Wednesday, April 1, 2015

Dear Diary,

I'm a little bit too busy to talk about the minutiae of my life lately. However I thought that I would try when I can to express thoughts here and there.

Maybe an update on my life:

  • I'm the desk administrator/payroll/freelance contact for a magazine in the Sentinel right now - that involves 1 day a month of cover. I'm still a temp, just one who is setting up the administrative systems of a single magazine, it seems.
  • Last week I spent 6 days working from sunday to friday. God damn was it tiring.
  • In that last week I was working on the foreign desk of the sentinel newspaper, and the illustration/pictures desk. I have worked with the woman on that desk before, but usually to cover for her when she's on holiday. Let's say that her name is Janelle
  • Janelle makes me feel a lot of unease -- but I think that she respects that I am doing a job very well, she got me to do all the caretaker and dull tasks. I used my coding skillz to make a super sophisticated pay spreadsheet and a semi-automated interface for logging holiday.
  • The thing that I feel is unsettling is the amount of unresolved thoughts that Janelle throws at me. For one, she said that 'I wasn't supposed to come in for 5 days' when HR told me that I was. Eventually she told me that her manager said it was 5 days and she wasn't aware of it and I felt for that whole week that she was reluctant to let me do the 5 days. That felt very unclear to me.
  • The other thing that felt exceptionally unsettling about Janelle was that through the duration of friday, she was sort of asking if I'm coming in next week to help out, she then said that her boss wanted me to come in on a semi-regular basis to help out at her desk, but without any resolution or confirmation either from herself, her manager or HR about whether they want me to cover. 
In other news - I'm having regular night terors, anxiety, eating problems and my room and life is a fucking mess. I'm trying my best to live with what is moderate anxiety and moderate depression. I guess it is a matter of life with blight --some of it is sunshine, and some of it isn't.. It's not all bad. I've got to see it like that. I didn't really accept it was possible to enjoy life with depression. Back in the day i thought life was a lot more absolutist and anything that wasn't perfect success was an abject failure.

Okay,, so that's me expressing myself.

Good night.

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