23 coffee stirrers over the past couple of weeks.

Today I was thinking to myself. I was thinking about the amount of money coming in, and thinking about the steps I'd need to getting my life together. From the basis of a steady and decent income the steps would be something like:

• Pay off overdraft (in process)
• earmark amounts of money as 'minimum balances' required to avoid going into overdraft situation again - would require making a few matrices
• Once monies are paid into overdraft, I would start going above zero and set up regular payments into ISA
• once I start earning more from this point (and this is really beyond the earning stage I am at now) - think about 'life upgrades' such as:
• moving out
• getting a better body
• upgrading my wardrobe
• updating other kit (such as computer)
• re-think my goals at this stage to what my tasks should be (more job search? less job search? more gym? more social life?)
• Get 'aspirational' things such as musical instruments
• Buffet E11 or E13 clarinet
• Get a saxophone
• Maybe get an intermediate level saxophone
• Upgrade your piano
• Get an A clarinet,
• Maybe an Eb clarinet?
• Maybe a bass clarinet?
• Maybe other saxophones?
• Think about what you want out of your life and how you can get it. 

Aspiration. I feel like given the life that I've had, I really just want to aspire. I want to be more and feel better about my lot. I'm in no position to have a serious relationship or buy a house or the other stuff some of my friends are starting to do. Maybe I can do a course in massage, do a part time PhD? 

Right now, I feel like all those things are possible, if I just went next door to the toilet, and put two fingers down my throat.

It seems more appealing than the alternative

The alternative being: go to bed at a reasonable hour, do my pre-planned activity, get home, do some housework, do more pre-planned activities, and hope.

Hoping.

Hope - is really the nectar I try to thrive on. I bought some new shoes on thursday. I got badminton shoes and shoes for the gym. I also got a badminton wicking top, a badminton racket and a base layer. Aspirational cclothes.

 

Dear Diary,

I'm working an evening event tonight. I'll get a taxi home, which is nice.

I will be playing ingress as I get home hopefully. I have been lazy today. I kept telling myself: office hours, office hours, office hours. Then I wanked myself silly.

In other news:

• Doing some job searching
• Got an email about a placement in sentinel newspapers - i didnt get it but ...it shows they are still thinking of me. And maybe I'm still on contract???
• I got 2 extra shifts over june, by replying to an email in the morning (hurray for waking up early ish)
• I also got one shift extended by 1.5 hours. Which means I have to get up early in the morning but I will also be doing 2 shifts which will be something like 7 hours work (almost like a day at the sentinel - actually it will be as they charge 7 hours anyway).
• Tomorrow I'm going to oxford to see Hannah (Is that what I named her here?) - Hannah is lovely and I look forward to seeing her. However anxiety is making me not feel so good about things. Anxiety and food.

I gotta go.

Things that happened today: 27th May 2014

• Went to work
• Anxiety episode
• decided to cancel events shift on Thursday 
• Got June shift list and entered it in
• Examined some postgrad courses
• Job searching
• Got extra shift at events
• Got another extra shift at events
• Played piano in public as there was this weird piano installed near work
• Badminton
• Post-badminton dinner
• Newspaper and TV catchup when I got home
• (no fast food)
• (organised most of the data for my monthly review report)

That's a 13 task day.

If that's not a high gear, I don't know what is. 

Now its up to me to keep that pace up.

Tomorrow is my last day at the department, and very very possibly, my last ever day at the Sentinel. I'm a bit sad about it, but I am glad I made some money and got some valuable job experience.

Now, I have to think about sleeping at a reasonable hour and going to the next phase: tomorrow. 

Sometimes going at a high gear means not stopping to look behind so much. That's part of why I haven't had the time or attention to blog lately.

dear diary,

had an anxiety episode just now

i didn't like it.

dear diary,

working as a PA has kept me busy. I haven't even thought about the money I'd earn from it. I am sure it will be quite nice to get decent money next month and the month after. I also have to be conservative in terms of my spending.

I am writing this post about 1:30am, I thought I'd write something because I haven't updated you much on my life.

I've been really active with things, work, gym, garden stuff. It is quite a lot of energy just being 'normal' and keeping my head down.

In a way this might be what I've always wanted. This is a bank holiday weekend and I aim to get some applications and other things done. In addition I am finishing work this wednesday. After Wednesday I'm working Thurs and Fri in events at shambly. I haven't worked at shambly in nearly a month. I feel a sense of dread going back into events work.

Anyway, I better ...get to bed, lay down and wait until tomorrow.

Tomorrow I'll get stuff done. I hope. Today I got some stuff done. I also caught up on sleep. Which is just as important.

hey diary,

i've been busy lately. but thats a good thing in some ways.

With work and life being ...full on, i need to take things to a higher gear.

I'm trying to manage that.

Money's a bit of an issue, but hoping to be paid this thursday. That would be tickety boo.

I'm feeling a bit of negativity, bit of darkness, bit of ...angst. I saw 'a beautiful mind' and it kinda brought me back to my own period of darkness.....remembering is re-living.

I'm a different person now. for better or worse.

21 coffee stirrers

sup man,

today I felt really tired. I had a dirty hangover this morning. I was at a house party lat night and there was a jam session. This morning I did a bit of a jam with this artist who is involved with the community garden, she had this amazing indian musical instrument and I am starting to think more seriously about indian classical music

Dear Diary,

I'm tired and it was only a 4 day week.

I like working as a PA, it has its hard bits but fortunately I've persevered. The anxiety levels have gone down a bit. I think that was just a matter of unfamiliarity and uncertainty.

In other news...what other news is there?

I'm currently trying to catch up on shit today. There's a party going on later on. I feel tired

Things I've done today:

• Book review reading - thinking quite a bit about philosophy during the commute
• Called other work about cancelling a shift
• Working 
• Newspaper reading 
• badminton
• post-badminton socialising
• paid £25 into overdraft
• no takeaway or snacks today :(

I' think that's enough for today. Now just to go to bed and prepare for the next day. I'll play Asking Alexandria in my bed as I try to sleep.

Need to apply to more jobs. But I am also trying to work out how to adapt to this work as a PA.

dar diary,

I had been chatting with 'activist girl' a lot lately and she's been affecting the way I think about things. My mind has gone to really black places. I am starting to realise from her that the time I knew marie counted as a form of abuse according to activist girl...I'm...not sure how to feel about it.

dear diary,

I've been busy with work lately.

Really busy. Like sorta full time hours (except for last monday and of course this monday being a bank hliday).

After work on friday I went to a gig. A metal gig. It was fun. I then had dinner with friends on saturday. I organised it and my friends were very nice about how I organised it well. Among my group of friends there's a reputation for people to have pie in the sky plans that don't follow through.

After Sunday I felt really beat. I had a good nap during the afternoon today as a result of my body just crashing. I set all my 'non priority' stuff for today. I now need to get out of 3 day weekend holiday mode and get back to work tomorrow.

I heard a story from actor paterson joseph earlier this week which said that as an actor he has a lot of time off work, but when he is on work for an acting job he counts the days that he has off as some weird irony.

I almost feel the same.

I need to focus more on...stuff.

Onwards with work and life.