what now?

Dear Diary,

About 25 minutes before I head off for badminton. It's quite cold today, for summer that is. I'm thinking about how I was so excited about the wedding and how much I was thinking about it and put so much into it, and now its over. Now its over I'm in a familiar mindset of thinking: what now? I guess you could call it an anticlimax. I'm thinking about this because I used to be in similar mindsets, whether its exams, piano performances or big parties. I look forward to it with all of my being, then once its over I think, what now?

 

Today I sent off two job applications, I did a bit of job searching and I'll be off to badminton. I'll think about doing another job application when I get back for civil service. I have about 25 minutes with nothing planned. I guess I could get my badminton gear ready, but mostly I'm thinking to myself: what now?

The olympics are awesome

Dear Diary,

 

Can't remember how much I talked about wedding. Fell asleep on sunday evening, then monday morning. Got up relatively early. Appleid to a job, caught up with things but not by large margin. I've been thinking about altering my schedule too. I'm feeling a bit less rough. Ate breakfast, hope that will help. Wanked a lot over the past couple of days, thought about website editing.

 

Basically. Back to normal. Here's to hoping things get better. Also doing badminton later today.

I must say, the olympics are awesome!

wedding observations (life is grey)

great wedding yesterday. Really tired today though and my thoughts aren't as lucid.

 

firstly: met some lovely women there, and some great men too. Although focussing on the women: one called me 'special' after hearing my piano playing, I got lots of compliments, some from actual musicians.

 

secondly: met my brother's ex girlfriend. Was it awkward? No. They seemed friendly and that was okay with us. It felt weird seeing her for a variety of reasons. Thinking about my brother for one, how awkward he got when they broke up and it started a downward spiral for him. My brother is better now, he's moved in with his current girlfriend. Also, I didn't realise how hot she was and I did realise that I found her attractive and fun and vibrant and an overall lovely person. Obviously she's off limits, but man...I must have been really drunk to have thought about this. There were some guys who were being a bit lecherous to her and I sort of helped her get away from that and disipiated their advances while also trying to make it look civil and amusing. I didn't feel comfortable with that kind of behaviour at a wedding, especially when it's my cousin's wedding.

seeing my brother's girlfriend reminded me of a lot of feelings. I was in the throes of my bulimia and doing my masters at the time. I also met Antonia and we were in love. Just having someone there from that period of time made me feel close to them. I think that';s the thing about memories and sharing them with other people, its a form of identity or identification that you have outside of yourself but also contributes to who you are. So in a sense, my memories of her and the times I had when I was with my brother and her have become quite a deep part of me. I miss those days, and even though it was a dark time, it had good moments. I think life is grey. Wonderful in some parts, horrible in others, sometimes both at once, often boring too.

there were lots of sad things happening around the wedding, bereavements, illness and so on. Beautiful moments in life happen contiguously with the ugly. Yesterday was a shining day. I think it is possible to have moments of joy in horrific times

my diary told me that 3 years ago i bought my first base layer. It's a symbol of a sense of transition in my life, of being interested into fitness. Its kind of a'look how far I've come since then' kind of thing.

 

Just came home from badminton, then dinner with the guys. I then practiced piano for an hour. For the wedding. I'm covered in sweat and sores. could I fall asleep from this? maybe

Nice day today

Laying in bed now. Tired

I like direct days,

went to a wedding reception yesterday, at a lot of junk food. Catching up on tasks today. Need to practice piano and do errands. Then I'm off to committee meeting.

In a sense I like days like this, because they are so defined and rigid.

 

Plan of day? Receipts, practice piano, catchup, training, committee meeting, maybe extra things

 

oh yeah, I do need to send some stuff to dry clenaing too...

 

So, if I'm always moaning about moaning, or moaning that I'm behind, well I can have good days too. Hopefully trigger free. Hopefully.

Also weather is gorgeous today

yesterday's incident

 

So today I've mostly been preparing and pampering and being vain about the wedding reception tomorrow. I'm hungry like a dog at the moment. I find that protein supplements seemingly reduce my appetite. Anyway, yesterday something happened in the family. I've told you about Merv in the past, my disabled family friend who is going through a lot of hardships. Merv's dad had a psychotic episode yesterday, my mum did an assessement and they took him to the hospital. They got a specialist and his condition stabilised.It was really bad. I think the technical term for what happened is mania.He's a victim of the times. Unemployment, funding cuts, stuff like this eats away at everyone, but it got to him especially.

Dear Diary,

 

Day before Wedding #1. Went to gym, achieved 5 new pb's on weightlifting. Now for manscaping.

had a nightmare this morning. I'd say last night but I think it actually occurred just before I woke up. I am tempted to describe it before I forget it. However, I think maybe I'll let this one slip through the annals of posteriority. Thinking lucidly about the dream, I realise some things are worrying me. I also realise I'm so broken and beyond repair, I've lost my big chances. I also feel like my life is over, this is too big an admission for my conscious mind to handle, but just the thought of it, is my most terrifying realisation.

 

I also want to say that another reason I refuse to discuss the dream is that it was really bad. The dream was of a really mundane situation, sometimes mundane can be the most terrifying, and real of calamities.

dear diary,

 

feel like i've given up today. I'm not feeling it. I got suddenly tired during the afternoon and woke up around 4pm. Done this 2 days in a row. I feel shit. Everything is lots of things are shit right now

Gotta spend money to make money

Dear Diary,

 

Was paid in today. Like using self descriptions without using first person pronoun. Think this is a good change of writing style. Anywhoo, I spent today trying to catch up on things. I made a good effort of this. I practiced some piano, I put some money in the bank (the birthday moneys), and then I thought about other things I should buy: gift for nephew's birthday for example. I saw some half price protein, so I bought a bucket (that must sound a little grim). Looked for some trainers in the local high street but I couldn't find anything for badminton or training. All I could find were these rude boy shoes that aren't actually good for anything except finding a mate who is a rude girl, I would presume. There's an irony, I need to get sports gear from a sports store, but the audience they have are the people who buy sports gear that is all flashy, but isn't actually used for sports.

 

I practiced a fair bit of piano, caught up with correspondences. I also thought a bit more about going into escorting. The idea of getting £360 for a day of work is very attractive. The agency asked for a deposit, finally paid it now. I wonder if they will find me any work. Would quite like getting a few hundred quid into my account even if it were once a month.So what of this weekend? More piano practice, get some shoes that are good for playing piano at a wedding, get gift for my nephew. Then there's sunday: that involves gardening and going to a birthday party.

Did I mention I had an interview this week?

 

It sounds like my life is busy. In a sense it is, in another, its empty. I was reading an audiobook lately called 'The Noonday Demon' by Andrew Solomon which says that getting over depression isn't about getting rid of sadness in your life, its about managing and accepting the trials that come to you. I think that's How I see my recovery from being depressed. Anxiety? That's a different issue.

 

Anyway. I wish I could sleep now, but not tired!

just want to say as well: it is good that I am so busy. I just need to get it done now

Just touching base with you.

 

Yesterday was so busy. Went to work, practiced piano before work, was told that I have an interview after work for a government department. Walked to the place after work, managed to get there on time. I then got home to a body balance class. Getting home I felt totally wrecked. I didn't look at anything once I got home, didn't care about any tasks I had to do, all the activity from tuesday and wednesday really got to me and I just crashed. I had a pretty good sleep, I think.

 

Now I have to get back to everything. Prospective tutoring jobs, selling stuff on ebay, job searching, email correspondences....

This should be a good thing, but I'm not prepared.

Dear Diary,

 

What can I say about the past few days? Its made me feel tired all the time but I manage to survive it. I did a bit of jogging last week. A fair bit of piano practice as well, a reasonable number of jobs applied, still not as much as I should. Anyway, I've been contacted by an agency and they want to interview me. Now I have less than 45 mins to get a shitload of documents together. Ugh...

 

This should be a good thing, but I'm not prepared.

i have friends. I have long time friends, maybe they are good friends.

I want a friend like Marie was to me. I was vulnerable around her and I could be myself. Some friends I open up aspects but when soem incident happens that opens me up, I close myself to them. There's a female friend who goes out with a good friend of mine who has been messaging me a lot lately, its fun sometimes but when I'm sad its just too much for me to put up a front.

Right now, the facade is breaking. My friend suggested when I feel this way I should run. Run and don't look back. I'm tempted right now.

when i hear stories about how graduates are having a fucking nightmare to get into work it makes me sad. There's a lot of these stories right now

 

I also have a thirst for the news.

 

It's insufferable right now. I could just retreat somewhere away from the news and current political affairs. This would mean changing who I am. I think the circumstances of my time are forcing me to change who and what I am.

Shit. July already

Dear Diary,

 

On paper it says I did a lot today. I'm about to leave the house, to do 2 more things before I end the day: train and go to a meeting about carbon footprints. The main thing I did today was apply to 2 jobs. I also cleared up a backlog.

 

Lots more to do, but for now: Gym

Archives

Dear Diary,

 

On some days the distractions prove the most productive. I found out a way to keep pictures, maintain their privacy and also provide a more permanent basis for storage. This will serve as an interesting future avenue. I've also managed to dig into my archives and found some videos and other things that may serve a purpose in the distant future. I tidied up my mobile phone memory, I set up some new things to sell on Ebay. Other than that I've not done much today. I watched the tennis, which was nice.

 

Going through my archives has been an emotional process. Many of the pictures date to 2009. There are a few from 2007 when I started my masters, and then lots from the time after I sent off my dissertation, not much in between. There aren't as many pictures from the time after I left my flat share to live with my parents. Life sort of died out, and for the past 3 years it has basically been 'more of the same' (bullshit). Tomorrow I'm helping out with the garden, if I wake up on time!

 

I should be content that I've done what I've done for today. Now I can try and sleep. Right?