Eat what's on your plate

28th January 2012: start time: 01:23 (am)

Dear Diary,

Right now I am using the fact that I cannot sleep to good use. I am also using the fact that I have no internet connection to good use. Right now, I am currently 'foldering', as I call it. I am currently putting my old folders into a new master folder, which involves putting them into a new categorisation schema. I also will need to, at some hopeful point, cleanse these documents and put them into digital form by scanning them. This is a usual ritual for me.

 

As I went through the documents of the past nearly 2 years, I found a lot of stuff that threw me emotionally. I found for instance, documents from the job centre; rejection letters (fewer than I thought); bank statements, lots more bank statements, and various unsorted items that represent memories. Over the past nearly-2 years, I have accumulated quite a few memories, some are good, some are neutral or I feel ambivalent, not many are really bad. Most of these show a story. I feel that these documents, those pieces of paper say more about me than I am able to describe with words. Maybe I'll give a selection to form a narrative:

·         MA Transcripts

·         Un-filled PhD application form

·         PhD thesis proposal

·         job centre paraphernalia

·         job rejection letters

·         Christmas card and 'thank you' letter from intern manager (who is now working with the olympic committee)

·         Leisurely pursuits: bbc concerts, ticket stubs, details about rail travel and YHA hotels

·         A 'welcome to the events pool' letter.

Today I made an attempt to reschedule the next few days. I had a big anxiety attack last night and this morning, part of that was because of a problem at work, which I hope is now ironed out. A larger part of this is the fact that I have 2 interviews coming up next week, and NO FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION. I did a long-ass 12 hour shift yesterday, and after work I spent an hour in the library catching up on life, emails and stress.

I made a sketch of how I would try to construct my plan of the next few days without internet. It wasn't easy, and I felt a distinct sense of analysis paralysis. I think that friday fared better. Today I mde a start on prepping for my interview presentation task. I am also foldering which means I have obtained vital documents to show them to prove my identity. There are still lots of things that I need to do, but I can just do the tasks that I have on my plate and worry about the bigger picture later. That works at least for Friday. Being Saturday when I wake up, I'm not sure how that will turn out.

Anxiety is a necessary part of my life, and it seems to be soemthing I both need and hate at the same time. I wish things didn't go wrong to the extent that they do in my life right now, but it could certainly be worse, and I am on the apex of dealing with most of the problems right now. I think that right now, of a Friday night/saturday morning with no internet, I think that I'm sort of dealing with the problems now. Here's to the rest of the weekend and the month to dealing with them. I still have many other problems to iron out, but for now, I'm just going to sort what's on my plate for now. Those folders need -ering.

(end time: 1:43)