Dear Diary

It's been a few days since i've last posted. I've been so active and busy over the past few days, too active, in fact, to catch up with the disturbance of having no internet connection. I've allowed this to prepare for the interview and put everything into preparation for tomorrow morning. I have set about 20 little tasks before I leave the house so that all details are prepared, but now I feel upset. Upset has slowed my thinking.

I want to say things, but I feel its easier to just bottle it up. Basically, I feel everything is against me. I feel I have no chance. If I'm honest, I want to purge right now. I want to purge and empty my stomach out. That would feel so good right now. I have nothing going for me right now, I have no chance, no hope, everything I've worked for is just falling apart and failing. There's no point in going on.  That's how I feel now. This is the reality of the situation, that I'm carrying in me all the time that I try to ignore.

Everything is so fucking hard, and so many other people dont have it this hard. Why cant I win just once? I feel like I've run out of luck.

Eat what's on your plate

28th January 2012: start time: 01:23 (am)

Dear Diary,

Right now I am using the fact that I cannot sleep to good use. I am also using the fact that I have no internet connection to good use. Right now, I am currently 'foldering', as I call it. I am currently putting my old folders into a new master folder, which involves putting them into a new categorisation schema. I also will need to, at some hopeful point, cleanse these documents and put them into digital form by scanning them. This is a usual ritual for me.

 

As I went through the documents of the past nearly 2 years, I found a lot of stuff that threw me emotionally. I found for instance, documents from the job centre; rejection letters (fewer than I thought); bank statements, lots more bank statements, and various unsorted items that represent memories. Over the past nearly-2 years, I have accumulated quite a few memories, some are good, some are neutral or I feel ambivalent, not many are really bad. Most of these show a story. I feel that these documents, those pieces of paper say more about me than I am able to describe with words. Maybe I'll give a selection to form a narrative:

·         MA Transcripts

·         Un-filled PhD application form

·         PhD thesis proposal

·         job centre paraphernalia

·         job rejection letters

·         Christmas card and 'thank you' letter from intern manager (who is now working with the olympic committee)

·         Leisurely pursuits: bbc concerts, ticket stubs, details about rail travel and YHA hotels

·         A 'welcome to the events pool' letter.

Today I made an attempt to reschedule the next few days. I had a big anxiety attack last night and this morning, part of that was because of a problem at work, which I hope is now ironed out. A larger part of this is the fact that I have 2 interviews coming up next week, and NO FUCKING INTERNET CONNECTION. I did a long-ass 12 hour shift yesterday, and after work I spent an hour in the library catching up on life, emails and stress.

I made a sketch of how I would try to construct my plan of the next few days without internet. It wasn't easy, and I felt a distinct sense of analysis paralysis. I think that friday fared better. Today I mde a start on prepping for my interview presentation task. I am also foldering which means I have obtained vital documents to show them to prove my identity. There are still lots of things that I need to do, but I can just do the tasks that I have on my plate and worry about the bigger picture later. That works at least for Friday. Being Saturday when I wake up, I'm not sure how that will turn out.

Anxiety is a necessary part of my life, and it seems to be soemthing I both need and hate at the same time. I wish things didn't go wrong to the extent that they do in my life right now, but it could certainly be worse, and I am on the apex of dealing with most of the problems right now. I think that right now, of a Friday night/saturday morning with no internet, I think that I'm sort of dealing with the problems now. Here's to the rest of the weekend and the month to dealing with them. I still have many other problems to iron out, but for now, I'm just going to sort what's on my plate for now. Those folders need -ering.

(end time: 1:43)

Swallow a frog

Dear Diary,

It was my first day of work yesterday. I felt anxious about going back, I had a feeling something might go wrong, I'm not sure what that was based upon. Anyway, I am going off to the train station now. I'm trying to sort ouf the next few days. After I got back from the gym after work I was exhausted, I'm not fully sure if I caught up on my sleep and low energy. However the show must go on and I've got to keep going. I've got lots of awkward little following up tasks that I'm uncomfortable with, but they must be done. I heard someone at the garden say a phrase from Samuel Clemens: swallow a frog every morning, its a metaphor for doing something difficult that you don't want to do.

 

I'm off to swallow a frog.

3 hours later...

Captain's log, supplemental (how can I never have started like that in my blog before?!)

3 hours on from 'catching up' with a couple dozen job boards, I've sent 8 applications to mostly agencies. Not bad, you might think. I still have more to do. There are about 3-4 proper applications to finish off, once I've finished them, I'll go to the gym and let off some steam. I'm going to talk about two completely irrelevant things, which I've really wanted to talk about for a long time.

The first thing is that my experience with depression and anxiety, and to some lesser extent, my eating disorder, has given me a bit of a critical insulation from some of the hurt and pain that a few of my friends are going through right now. I see how my friends are experiencing minor crises in their lives and moments of distress, and I have a great amount of sympathy for them. My counsellor from when I was doing my MA used to say that my friends were apprehensive about when I talked about my depression because it made them feel uncomfortable and insecure. I feel almost that my experiences in the past have given me a resilience today, like getting chickenpox early. But, following the metaphor, there are also shingles.

The second related point is that a good friend of mine is telling me essentially that he's got depression. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I don't want him to know about what happened to me. On the other hand, I don't want to sound like an arse. I find this difficult to deal with, not least because it's a problem with masculinity. I don't know how to talk about this with other men, unless they are mental health practitioners or related professionals. I don't know how to sound sympathetic with my friends or family either. There are men in my family circles (not necessarily family but family friends) who have depression issues, again, i don't know how to cope with that, especially when they know me in a certain way. Depression leaves its marks, and it leaves unresolved issues not from what I may be dealing with now, but how I deal with others.

Anyway, back to the grind. I'm glad that I let out that little thought.

and I thought lifting weights was hard

Dear Diary,

 

I've gotten the first proper interview invitation in about 2 months, and it comes after I have just gotten proper internet connection. Right now I'm trying to catch up on the next few days, and the previous few days in which I had no internet connection. There's a lot of things to do! I've put a lot (almost all) of my minor tasks in my schedule for today and it is estimated to last until 4:30pm, so basically the next 3 hours. It looks pretty daunting but I have to work at an extreme pace in order to get back on track. Once I'm back on the horse I'll start riding again.

I'm glad that I have internet connection again, I'm not so glad that I have such an intensive pace of work. I guess this is the sort of thing somebody in a real job would have to deal with. I should see this as a test of character. Once I've gotten these minor tasks done, I'll then attempt to do some job applications, and once even that is finished, I might try to get to the gym!

I do kind of miss Christmas and New Years. I know it was a month ago, but some reflection makes me feel that I had such a great time and it was the kind of thing I'll actually remember for years to come. I'm really happy for the experiences, and that revelation, is a sign that I know now that I'm trying to procrastinate in order to get away from these tasks.

Onwards!

The little creeping sounds of the otherwise silent library

Dear Diary,

 

I've been away for a few days. I've had no internet connection and things have been simultaneously busy and slow. I've been trying to make things work out despite this little hitch. I'm currently in a local library on their wifi trying to catch up on emails, GReader and making logs of my workouts, walking data, and my weight. I realise how much I'm dependent on cloud computing. It's great to have so many records but its also an inconvenience without an internet connection. Damn you virgin media!

This is the last task that I'm going to set myself while I still have internet, which is to write my log on here. Over the past few nights, I have been reading. I've been reading a bit actually. I've also dug into some audiobooks, Schopenhauer, Gibbon, Peter Singer, Hitchens... I enjoy being mentally engaged. However this is the very thing that I feel upsets me. I was sobbing last night, and I wasn't in a good way towards the later hours. I think the one thing that helps me is that I can pretend that it didn't happen in the next day. Keeping secrets seemed to be the one thing that kept me sane. I've been more tempted to purge than I've ever been in at least the past year.

Lots of things are going on in my mind, lots of things worth mentioning, others which would be better forgotten .I just hope that the internet connection at home gets sorted for one, and for second, once it is set up, I can get back to normal and catch up. I'm feeling increasingly hopeless.

In other news, I'm doing pretty well with my new years targets, which I should just call my weekly resolutions, or my targets. I applied to 8 jobs last week, if it weren't for the internet problem I'd certainly do more. I also did 6 days of training last week, I went to choir practice and I practiced piano. I also experienced anxiety, and read a few essays by Adorno. I am a very unique person, I feel this is the case because nobody else does what I do. Being unique may sound like a nice thing sometimes, but I feel quite isolated. I've been so lonely that I've resolved to texting people as a form of contact. Including my ex.

Anyway, I better wrap up and go home. It's bitterly cold outside. I almost feel like getting a coffee, all french and casual like. Or maybe I'll just trundle home and do some receipts. I've set a few tasks that don't require an internet connection. As soon as I wrote them down, I immediately refuse to do it. I think my plan for today is have lunch, go to the gym for an hour before badminton, and then after badminton get home, relax, play skyrim and hope the internet is back

this post indicates that I really should go to bed now

Dear Diary,

 

It's the 13th of January already?Thinking about this fact makes me miss my friends. I really enjoyed the two or so weeks in which I spent lots of time with a few of them. I enjoy the motivation that I recieved from the intensive training that I recieved by one friend at the gym. I've taken stock of that and kept to my resolution of a minimum of 3 sessions a week. This is actually a conservative estimate, as I did 5 sessions last week. I aim to do 5 this week, if my body would allow it.

Today I applied to 3 jobs. I tried sorting out a laptop problem ,looked at some job boards, and then I got upset. I binged a bit (my fault), and other little things depressed me. One thing is the fact that my employers are getting a bit snooty. They are getting stricter on the working uniform, and they are enforcing a 30 minute pay deduction for a mandatory lunch break for over 6 hour shifts. This isn't so good from the perspective of losing 30 mins pay. A few things have had the potential, and actuality of upsetting me, my laptop's fan breaking down for one. Another is that I could have had a job interview if I just answered the phone 2 days ago. I fucked it up because of my anxiety. I feel really fucking pissed off at that. Private sector bastards.

They say you learn from your mistakes, I say to such people: fuck you. I'm tired of my lack of success, and I have nobody but myself to attribute this to. There are a few positive things to dwell on. I've got a choir rehearsal in a few days, I'm seeing my cousin later today for dinner. I got paid for tutoring and finished marking an essay tonight and I'm also learning to code. Things could certainly be a lot better than they are now, but they could also be worse. It's grey leaning on black. I had a few moments earlier today where mia (the bad one) was influencing me. I didn't purge, but I did play to her manipulations. The dark thoughts are hard to resist sometimes. Especially when one's brain becomes all 'fuzzy'.

My plan is to go to bed (it's bloody late), and then wake up for a Pilates class in the morning, then maybe do some errands, finish my book review to submit (I just need to format it to the house style), maybe some applications and then visit my cousin. The pace of the day is quite straightforward. I wish that I wasn't so mediocre. I'm glad that I've started to learn Javascript. I can upgrade my nerddom a bit more.

Just when the new year felt pretty good

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was pretty uneventful, however I did find that I managed to complete more than previous days. In terms of job applications I've sent two applications for freelance and editorial related roles. One was for a sorta academic publisher, another was for a one-off editor role for someone's manuscript. I started the day by going to the garden. I'm going to admit something a little bit dark, I looked up some of the people on linkdin and facebook just to learn about them. I then found that the girl I sorta had a twinkle for is seeing a guy (story of my life) who I'm guessing is either a junior doctor or med student.I then out of some bizarre curiosity, sought to look for a girl I had a crush on during my sixth form days. Exactly why I wanted to do this I'm hardly sure. I then found that she is seeing a guy, and judging by how many pictures there are of children, she's a mum now, also the guy is at least 40, and she's probably 25/26 now, I guess most people think that's not problematic. I'm really a fucked up voyeur.

So I spent the rest of the day mostly catching up on things. My body isn't aching like shit anymore, which is nice, and I looked at a bit of porn. Upon realising that I couldn't jerk myself off anymore I ended up doing productive things, which is generally the way with me. I reflected upon my targets and on review I have completed the following in the first week of January

8 applications (arguably 6)

5 Training sessions

2 Situations of anxiety

A bit of piano practice

Finished book review book - counts towards reading.

It's not a bad start, for high standards that I've set for myself I would say it's pretty good, exceeding in some goals but not others. I guess that's the reality of life. So now I'm getting on with my day. I almost forgot about what I went on here to post about. Over the past few days my alienware has been experiencing a loudness which I was guessing was in the fan area. I realised that the loudness was in the fan area and then I tried looking up on google and such to sort it out. It was nearly 4am last night and I had a severe anxiety moment. For some reason, my mind went to September 2008, when I was handing in my Dissertation and I was told that I failed an essay.

Reflecting on this is reflection upon the darkest period in my life, the darkest place in my mind. I find it difficult to talk about because it shows everything that I hate about myself, it shows my vulnerabilities and weaknesses in a way that I am deeply ashamed of. Because of my purging, because of my arrogance and because of my obsession to help people like Marie, I fucked up my masters degree and ended up chewed out of university at the time when the world's economies went to shit. I guess since then, I've been trying to get back pieces of my life, and moving on.

I'm reminded of that moment because it defined EVERYTHING, and it still does. I used to be arrogant and rude and daring. That one moment took everything out of me and transformed me into something else. In some ways it made me better, in lots of ways it made me worse. It is a metaphorical punch to the chest, a car crash. Just a messy computer fan would remind me of this and make me regress. When I woke up this morning, I didn't go to the gym. I soberly got out of bed and tried to get the dust out of the fan by using a vacuum, it worked, at least so far it seems to work, but I can't remove the trigger experience, nor can I forget what it reminded me of. I'm still reeling from that punch in the chest. The rest of my life could be defined by how I respond to it. What I do now, right now as I post this blog and go on with my day, defines if I'm affected by what happened those years ago...

Blushing (and other things that happened today)

Dear Diary,

The moment when I realised that the holiday is over is when I looked at my bank balance. Shit! I bought quite a lot of things lately, many of which are 'reasonable' expenses, primark trousers, a new pair of earphones, expenses for going out with mates. I don't think there will be any other legitimate expenses that I can make for the time being. I have a lot of job applications to do, and the financial situation is going to get worse before it gets better, since I am going to get >100 for my Febuary payment. Today I woke up late, however to compromise this, I managed to do a pretty intense session at the gym.

I managed to break about 3 records and get 5 different quest achievements on fitocracy, so I had to calculate quite specifically the workout that I wanted. Today I'm off to a family event, we have been preparing for the past hour or so. My friends have invited me out to central london to some club or other, apparently my friend has gotten a guest list name. This is an instance where I would respectfully decline. My friends have been going out virtually every night since new years eve, its ridiculous! Don't they have a job to get back to?? I guess what they do with their annual leave is their own business. With relation to myself, I can't afford, financially and in terms of my time, to go out so much. I'm going to turn them down but pretend I'm interested.Tomorrow I'm helping at the community garden, and then I'll see what I'll catch up with in the afternoon. I say it so often that it's a painful cliche, I need better skill with time management. Right now I'm just about managing.

As I get on with my schedule, I'll inform you what happens with them. Perhaps another thing I might note is that a girl I used to know from my support group is chatting to me a lot lately, we are sharing a lot intellectually. I need to be cautious not to have feelings for her. This girl is trying so hard to be Lou Salome, and she even said I am like Nietzsche. This seems like a highly distasteful analogue, in addition, I shouldn't try to be Nietzsche, because Paul Ree is just around the corner.

Anyway, Off I go.

Let's be positive: I feel really fit and I feel a sense of optimism and self determination which is unprecedented. My friend said that if I keep up this pace of physical activity for another 2 or so months, I'll be irresistable to women! I blushed at that point.

soberiety

I observe people but I rarely get involved. I feel very strange about my night out which happened spontaneously as I ended up in a club with some friends. I chose to stay silent and not get too involved in their pick up routines but instead remain supportive and distant. It did make me feel a little left out at times, but it also made me seem accessible for my friends to talk about the other friends who weren't present at the time.

I observed much of them and listened to much of them. One guy motioned that we go to the club, because after losing lots of weight (I've mentioned him before), he thought that he is a different person. This guy insisted on going out and picking up girls, trying his 'routine', keep in mind that this is not really how I've ever known him as a person so this side of him seems completely new and unfamiliar. My friend Greg is trying to be a player.

Most of us observed Greg trying to be a player with girls to varying degrees of failure, we laughed at times at how ridiculous and overly heavy he approached women, but I had to comment that his courage is more than anything I would have done to approach new women, and that deserves some credit.

Greg was jealous of a few other friends who were 'successful' at charming women. One guy did silly tricks like dance like a fool and talk about how he plays so many instruments and showing off about little gimmicky things which are really not core to his personality. I told tony as the objective observer that they were amused by the frivolous artifice, but he should note how different people attract women in a variety of ways, so that he may find his own.

As an observer and a neutral/quiet party I was privvy to the honesties of many friends. One friend was feeling insecure so he drank himself silly, by the end of the night I had to make sure he didn't fall over or throw up in the wrong place. This is a role I've taken before. Another friend drank himself silly and bought rounds of drinks for women he didnt' know (who also happened to gravitate towards him through most of the night) reported to me taht he has sever liver scarring diagnosed recently. Seemingly, drinking stupidly is his way of dealing with it.

I felt comforted in my role as a distant observer, until I felt the need to imagine mia talking to me. I realised this was my cue for feeling insecure in public, so I didn't imagine mia and acknowledged this feeling of anxiety. While I wouldn't say that I was jealous of how my friends were forward with women, I was the only person sober and I did feel I was missing out on being drunk. If I were drunk I would have been more foolish and shouted and talked a lot of bullshit conversation pieces. I felt sort of comfortable by keeping sober among drunks.

My friend Greg is as shy around women as I am, but he is working on his issue. I found it anxiety riddling enough just to be in the club, especially when it wasn't set in Lampe to go there. This should perhaps count as my quota of one spontaneous and anxiety-filled social situation a month, don't you think?

As the observer I realised myself in these people. One guy drank himself silly because he was obviously shy with women and felt nervous. I know how this feels even when I chose to sit with my sobriety and anxiety. Perhaps the thing that gets me most tonight is the fact that one guy said he was upset at a comment i made when he was talking to some women. My friend was being sleazy and these women were seemingly offended by how cheesy his pickup lines were and how disgusting it is. I said to these girls that I apologised for their behaviour and they are being idiots right now. Apparently my comment cut very deep. I replied to his text saying that I was not apologetic, also its not cool to be so rude to women, especially when they are friends of a mutual friend's girlfriend who will hear back from those girls of our behaviour.

In short, staying sober sucks, but I think the guys who ended up drunk had a sucky time too, but even worse because it was drunken. This is a lot of data for me to understand today, I'm essentially telling a story where I played a very little part, but it reminds me of my own flaws.

Listening to KT Tunstall (first normal day of the year )

Dear Diary,

This is probably a strange comment to make: I am totally entrhalled right now by the KT Tunstall album 'Eye to the Telescope'. It takes my mind back to the days of 2006, when my anxiety was at its worst. That was 6 years ago now, but in my mind those feelings are never far away. Today is essentially the start of a new year. My body is wrecked, and I have to push a little harder to get to the gym today. Maybe I'll just make it a cardio day. There's a lot to do today, I have lots of expectations of my life, with little results. The solemnity and twee of KT Tunstall really captures my vulnerablity of 2006.

Off to my workout...

A holiday from my mind

Dear Diary,

If there is one thing I remember about new years eve parties and getting with my friends, it is the feeling and distinct sense of holiday. I felt a sense of holiday more from my mind and everyday mindset than anything else. This year I suppose, crystallised this feeling in my mind. I could talk about the past few days, I suppose. New Years Day is the after-party-party which is a tradition for a few years now. In addition, I have found a new recent routine of going to the gym early in the morning, My bootylicious goodness has that been a chore, I've been pushing my body to untold limits on a regular bassis since just before Christmas. My friend has nearly reached his 12 days, my other friend is soon going to end his. One of them is going back to Central Europe where he works, and I'll be on my own again.

There is one thing about holidays, and it is that eventually, it ends. My initial reaction is that I couldn't be happier about coming back to my routine, until I actually saw it when I came home. I realised that I'm behind, my other blog wants me to write some summary posts about the new year, as is customary this time of year. I also wanted to write one for this blog, and I think that the oppurtunity is lost now. I'm just too mentally occupied and tired. I am mentally tired and physically tired, but my mind is still ticking in a strange way where I cannot sleep. Maybe I'll talk about the future. I've set targets: tomorrow I'll go training in the morning and aim to complete 5 job application forms (wow that's pretty intense). I then need to read about 60 pages of a book to finish my book review, with the intent to write the book review, and then apply to some more jobs on Tuesday. I have badminton on tuesday and I may think about going to Pilates tomorrow evening. I am putting my body through a regime that is quite extreme, all that needs to change is my diet. Christmas weight has given me a few extra lbs, but not that many. I have a routine whereby I am going to burn off a lot of energy, but luxurious eating is not the way to go for me.

I've commited to a few minor tasks as well: got a hair cut, bought new earphones, got new trousers from gap. I still have some extra gift cards, which will come in handy later on in the year. I used up the uniqlo ones from last year only about 10 days ago. My bicep is hurting from all the training and I have even more to commit to. This January, I have not much work so I can afford maybe to do the gym every morning. I'd like to create a routine, and there is something that excites me about january. I am reminded of this time last year when I first started the gym, and I was a very different body and mind. Who am I now? I feel in my mind that I am on a journey of self-realisation. The journey requires 100 rep sets of crunches, 5x20 russian twists, deadlifting heavier weights, leg pressing my body weight x .5 and pushing my mental and physical limits. Fatigue and pain are my friends, so my training partner says.

If there is one thing I've enjoyed in this holiday of the mind that is Christmas and New Years, it is the joys of fellowship and the unique gifts and talents and personality of my friends. I have them as memories as I venture on with the year on my own. I'll miss them, as they venture out to their own lives and places of work and habitation around the world. I'm the least successful of my friends, but I also feel that I'm the most determined. I think those two facts are related, and one of those facts is subject to change. I've also learned self belief and confidence from those friends, too.

Happy new year.

(I think that was a positive sounding post)