Dear Diary,
Yesterday was a 3-task day, no job applications though. I did a job search, I was allocated an extra shift this August (the only shift available, and my probability of getting it was P: 6/45). I cleared up a good amount of the tasks set for myself that I had not performed over the long weekend, the one positive thing that I did do was go off to the gym after finishing as much as I could. I felt that my concentration was wearing out as I completed as many tasks as I could perform, I also saw that there was no impending deadline as regards a job application for yesterday. I barely even noticed the date yesterday: August 1st.
Let's go back to Augusts of the past.
2004
This was a great summer for me, in at least one respect: I got accepted into university. That's the official story I give. The real story is something more like this: I tried looking for a job but I was too lazy, I felt like I was being left behind as all my friends were going on 18-30 holidays and I was stuck in secondary school mentality (I know, that was 2 years ago from that age). I spent many days just fucking about on my own playing computer games and watching McGyver re-runs, and didn't really achieve much. In a way I was still trying to get over what just happened; I finished school and the life that I knew just ended. I had some great parties that year, whenever my friends had the time. Basically I was a friend for hire, when everyone else had time. There was a moment afterward where certain songs would be my anthem, one particular song was Queen's Princes of the Universe, as at the time, I used to watch a lot of FX and the TV show Highlander was on, that itself was a nostalgia programme for me. I guess my life was all about nostalgia, for the immediate past and my childhood. No wonder I found it diffuclt to grow up.
2003
This was a year I don't remember full well as the sands of time have obscured my memories. Even now I have other distractions. Perhaps that is the reason I'm writing this blog post, to escape. I started growing out my hair at this period of time. I started making a real group of friends, not just guys at school that I'd hang out with, but guys I'd contact and have fun with and we'd hang out and drink together. I feel like such a disappointment right now, I had so much potential but I did not bother to go out into the world and reach for all the oppurtunities I know that I can have. Didn't bother to get a job, just lazed about playing gamecube or whatever 17 year olds did in 2003. I do remember one sleepover, and a few parties (probably more like one party)
2005
This was the year I got depresssed for the first time (as in clinically depressed). Life was all upside down, 2004 and 2003 seemed like paradise by comparison. A year or two years difference seemed like an eternity, the gift of age has given me context. A year is nothing to me now, 2 years ago I was basically the same as I am now, which I am quite disappointed about, back in this time, however, time seemed to go on forever. At the time I was back home with my parents, disappointed by the events of the previous year. I was upset, jealous even, of how many of my friends had new girlfriends, new lives and new friends. I spent the summer waiting on them to finish their holiday and then we did have some fun moments: I saw a lot of my brother's gigs, I started driving lessons (I think) and I went drinking quite often with my buds. I started to find myself a little bit, but I ended up being a douchebag (I even shopped at douchebag stores. That took a few years to change. One thing I distinctly remember was a feeling of the insufferable and inescapable heat, that and being forced out of bed because the slovenian builders were working in the house and I had to keep moving around, those builders made me feel uncomfortable not least for their lack of ability to speak English. Many of the tradesmen who came to deliver goods had racialist things to say about builders who couldn't speak English, I remember one instance where a black delivery guy was racist, that was just weird for all concerned, a black guy being racist about Eastern Europeans to ME? It feels like my world had gone upside down, and that was just a delivery. My anxiety started at this time as well.
2006
This was a year where I gained a whole lot of weight (why? I can attribute to laziness and antidepressants), I started to feel better about myself, I had some good times, fun experiences and started to feel better in myself. There was one (well two) trigger moments during this August, one was finding out that a certain girl was concealing a relationship that she had. I might talk about this at another time but this led to a downfall of events which instigated my suicide attempts. Another event was a confrontation with a school friend, this guy opened up about his animousity with me and I realised that I was a real bastard. This I suppose, was a moment when I realised that I needed to change. Since I finished college, I didn't know how to be as a person, then when I did end up as a certain kind of person, I just hated who I was: I was a fat person, it took a slow process before I would rectify this situation.
2007
After graduation. What a relief! I have finished my degree, I have a Masters to look forward to, but I didn't plan well enough! I had a problem: I still was stagnant in my life, but I felt some small resolves had been made. My transition from the arsehole who was fat and self destructing back in 2006 still was missing something. I was well aware of the fact that I was still a virgin, I was stuck. I had really low moments, and I still had depression. My problems were still there, I may have finished my degree and passed a real personal challenge, I did not however, resolve what was wrong with me. I also had a problem finding somewhere to live for when I started my degree. I had one experience when I was texting Laura in a train station feeling totally alone and isolated, cold and hopeless. I'm not sure of I can ever convey that feeling of vulnerability, my MP3 player had died on me, my phone was low on juice. The platform didn't even have lighting and I was cold. All I had was a text to Laura, a girl that I didn't even really know. At the end of August I decided to purge, my first day was September 1st 2007. I will always remember that day. It was strange how it started, it just seemed alien to me, but it started to feel really right.
2009
So I've described the story as a narrative of change, change to adulthood (from starting uni etc) and then a change to an arsehole, and then a way of trying to find the real underlying problem, ironically by purging and starting a new one. August 2009 (I won't go into 2008, just read the posts from then) was when I moved back home with my parents, my girlfriend eventually dumped me, and I got fat again. For all the change that purging can do, my body took away. I lost the confidence that Antonia gave me, I lost my sexiness, and I lost my independence. I was thrown back years. In trying for so long to get over the problems that were inside me, I just reverted, just like that, so easily. Something I said to myself back in 2007 comes to mind. I used to have these real fits of anger, but anything that I'd throw down in my room in a rage would have to be picked up again. Everything that I threw down and fucked up as Mia took over me, I had to recover. Some of the damage may be irreversable, the rest of my life since August 2009 has been an attempt to put it all together again.
So what now? What am I doing now? I have a schedule of little tasks, every day gives me other jobs to look for and apply to. Since I have more free time this month I'll spend more time at the Gym. I've been at counselling for the past few months and I have lost weight. My lowest ever weight since 2009 is 209lbs (I just laughed out loud at the similarity of those numbers). I'm still overweight and I know that, but I'm working on it. I'm working at the gym regularly, I'm making more of a conscious effort at controlling my diet, and I am even enjoying myself with some game time after I finish my tasks of the day. Maybe life is getting better, maybe things are changing. I even have a new computer. I've actually felt a bit down lately due to all of the disappointing job rejections of July, but I am aware that this has been a process for me. I know that I'm a bit slower than everyone else in getting my life on track, but I sincerely hope that I'm making the steps forward.
I found writing this post hard, and now I'm getting back to my day.
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