(topless in a friend's kitchen at 5:45 am)

Dear Diary,

 

I think that today, or yesterday was quite an achievement. My anxiety levels took quite a draining, but that is a thing I must make peace3 with in order to function. I did some driving yesterday, I drove on strange motorways and roundabouts, I managed to get over (a bit) my fear of driving, and to a large extent it was a great achievement personally. Anyway, now that the hard part is completed I am now working on having fun for the rest of the weekend, we got an unbelievably sleek car for rental, a sleek italian sports car which is FRUCKING AWESOME!! I may have looked like a wuss driving at ridiculously low speeds but I will say this: I was a wuss in an alfa romeo.

Anyway, its nearly 6am, and I'm the first one awake today. I have done well to get up so early, I am not even sure that I slept, my only track of determining the extent of my sleep was putting an audiobook on and having no memory of the chapters when I focused on it. Since I'm up early, I could spend the time catching up on internetty things or reading, I am feeling awesome being up awake so early when all the guys were trying to emphasise the importance of getting up, and they are the ones still catching their winks. I'll be on here for as long as my battery lasts. All the same I'm getting back on with few tasks, pass the time and get back on with it.

Dear Diary,

I have about 25 minutes before the plan starts: the plan is to go to the station, get to the rendezvous point, and within a period of 1.5 hours I get to the car rental place, and then, I dont know what I'm doing after that! The thought is on my mind: whether to collect the car or to wait inside it. I have a license but I also feel anxious about driving. I feel anxious that something will go wrong, I feel anxious that the guys will think that I'm a wuss and that I'm making things more difficult by not driving the car. I feel bad if I'll have to take out the rental car from the rental place and then end up making the guy who is driving get to the rental place instead of the station/house. I'll need perhaps to man up and take the wheel. Its not quite motorway driving but there are a lot of awkward roads and I might have to get to 70mph again. I don't feel terribly good about this.

 

Anyway, it took about 15 mins to write this post and now I'm doing final touches to get ready, i thought I was 100% ready, but nope, I still have a few more things before I go! actually its eagerness anxiety to stress anxiety now.

(listening to mass effect soundtrack)

Dear Diary,

 

I feel in quite a stupour today. Even though I didn't wake up late as such, I am taking my sweet time to get out to do things. One task that I've set myself today is to go to the post office to deliver the DVDs to get some money. In addition, its raining and the boxes are quite heavy. I am not so keen on that formula. I need to go and get it over with, then it will be done and dusted. I won't need to think about it anymore. It feels like so much effort right now. Even typing feels like a lot of effort. I just need to remember to take things one step at a time. One step at a time.

 

On becoming high functioning

Dear Diary,

One pre job assessment completed, that doesn't sound as definitive as a job application. However I am glad to say that I passed the entry criteria for this graduate scheme. Something is making me anxious today: that is namely: finances, and planning the weekend get-together. As it happens, I've sorted it out. Now the only thing is to get it over with.

Maybe I'll summarise my day in a list:

• Made queries on car rental, hired a car for the weekend
• Booked ticket to get to rendez-vous point
• Booked (and will later attend) GP appointment
• Completed pre-screening test for graduate scheme
• Job Searching
• Received call from recruitment consultant (she sounded cute, spoke with estuary casual elocution)
• (after GP) training

Two things affected my mood in a positive way today: hearing from the recruitment consultant: she said my CV and job profile look 'prospective' (read: I went to a good university). Another thing is the prestigue of this application I've been invited to. In terms of prestige and graduate job destinations, its comparable to an investment bank. (ugh, I wish my bank of england application went forward!). I find it odd that positive things can contribute to my anxiety. What it is, is that these thoughts turn into feelings, and these feelings stick in my head. I went for a date months ago where I ended up kissing the girl, that feeling stuck in my head, because it was the thrill of taking a risk, as well as the joy of appearing sexy in someone's eyes. I kind of get preoccupied with happy thoughts like that, when I lost my virginity I was glowing for a month (even with bulimia).

Doing these things make me feel like a real person.I felt anxious from negative thoughts: namely, the immediacy of trying to sort out this plan. I also find that with so much activity today, my thoughts are racing, they race in a way that an optimal rational agent would be affected in performance. I think my realisation of the past few days is that anxiety is in some way inevitable, like the discomfort of calisthenics, I have to survive through it in order to be someone worthwhile. For the past 3 years, much of my personal journey has been about an attempt to gain higher functionality. I want to be 'high functioning', but its a constant struggle, to be a person, everything has to be quantified as a task: from taking a shit to planning. In  a way, it makes all tasks on a level playing field, they are all equal if they can be quantified.

 

In the past few days, I have felt that I am on a journey of 'becoming'.

Becoming whom, you may ask?

Perhaps the better question is: becoming what?

!!

Dear Diary,

when my mum is complaining about my dad's sloth, it affects me. I can't lie about this anymore, its affecting me that my dad is so lazy and doesn't care about anything anymore. i have a family problem and its hurting me. My dad doesn't give a shit that it affects everyone else, he's oblivious, he says stuff like 'waht does it have to do with you?' Everything, as it happens, dad.

I want to leave this place.

Nuanced grief is almost worse than overblown sadness.

Dear Diary,

It's saturday night and I feel as if I have been very creative, productive, leisurely and spontaneous. Objectively speaking I have completed the following: job application and a few job searches, those count as two main tasks for today. I didn't do any training, I ate a bit more than usual and even though I've cleared up a pretty large and daunting backlog of reading tasks from GReader (instead of allocating them to a later date), Its not big enough a task to merit marking on the main list of things.

In one way today has been unproductive, in another it has been quite a break from the norm. I've applied to a reasonable number of jobs this week passing, however I do feel that I've set a lot more than I have in recent months. I am in fact overwhelmed with tasks. I didn't observe almost all of my day's schedule today because I felt intimidated by my schedule. I've got about 5-6 jobs to apply to with a deadline of the 22nd, it's a little daunting if I'm honest. However looking at the actual jobs I've applied to and my activities of the week, it looks like my recent time has been more about cutting losses and getting a satisfactory amount completed, rather than getting 'everying' done. In that way I'm reminded of the old anxiety days of my second year of uni.

I feel the fear of getting older. I don't want to be old, I've achieved nothing of importance in my life. I think the realisation of my own inadequacy was at university. I didn't have many friends, and I found myself a bit more of a place in university societies, I had sort-of-friends at the societies, people who had to be there (due to shared interests) but probably weren't really my friends. But they were nice all the same. As committees changed each year, I realised the limitations of the loyalties and friendships. I got really worried when the philosophy society didn't have a potential committee in the coming year, I felt that I had to take up the position in order to maintain the good work of the society, and since there were no 2nd years in the committee or getting involved, I needed to step up.

What actually happened was that the whole society got infected by a committee of first years who never joined the society and then ended up in the committee. This happened time and time again as the next two years taught me, I then felt that I learned a lesson in life. Incumbance means nothing, there's always someone who is going to replace you, they are younger and probably better than you. My intentions, my anxieties meant nothing to them, the only thing that held weight was populism.

I felt disheartened at university, as if I wasn't disheartened enough with all the personal shit I was going through. The societies I was involved with, were an attempt to say: this is my activity and I'm helping out: here's something that no one can take away from me. But alas, they did. I guess I feel quite down about that. This week (it almost passed me by) was 'A' level results day, this usually makes me get all schmaltzy and sentimental about my 2004 moment, I've valorised that day so much that I'm tired of telling the story. Perhaps this year, as well as last year, were the first times in which I've just not been too bothered about thinking of those days.

If there's a lesson to learn it is that aspiration is totally false. All the optimism and hope that I had didn't take me very far, backstabbing, personality management in the style of Goffman, nepotism and blagging are the only ways forward. What kind of society promotes a message like that? A society that makes me feel strangled. I am a failure. I remember how people at the REED job scheme were bemused at how I could still be unemployed, I had more qualifications than most of the people in the room put together, and I'm applying for the same paid jobs as them. They felt sorry for me, they didn't think I deserved it.

I think the utterly sobering realisation is that I do deserve this situation. I live with my parents, I'm a loser who fucks a pillow every night for sexual and emotional comfort. I've only been with one woman, I can barely afford my counselling feeds, I've not got a decent job and (ed.) almost everything I apply to is pointless. I feel hopeless, I don'thave a stake in society, I want to kill myself. I want to purge, I want to make things better, I feel so utterly desperate that I would do something desperate to make it better.

I don't know what's worse, feeling this shitty, or realising that purging does not help anything. Nuanced grief is almost worse than overblown sadness. At least the latter gives me the impression of catharsis.

I'm so fucking pathetic.

Buffer times and busydays

"What day is it today?"

"It's Thursday"

*Pause*

"Don't you remember yesterday? [nephew] was in the house all day?" [enthymeme: that indicates it being wednesday yesterday]

Dear Diary,

This morning I woke up feeling very down, as each day passes by, the feeling of down-ness just keeps biting back. I have lots to feel down about, in spite of doing a whole lot, or in lieu of not doing enough, its all the same feeling: I'm a failure. It's something that I face in my mindset every day. The worst possible situation has occured, and it is my everyday life.

So, we just get on with it.

Today I felt things may potentially go very slow, I realised that there was a massive backlog of tasks, this was quite worrying. I think I resolved to myself that I couldn't possibly do everything this thursday that I had planned, I knew of this when a certain work colleague was planning a drinking session. My funds and time could not permit this. I had a Fred Flintstone moment today, after doing about 4 applications today (yup, and this isn't the end of the story...), I had one task in my schedule: determine ways to make money from things in the house that I do not use.

First thought was Ebay, then I was thinking about other things. I then thought: aren't there places that buy DVDs? I found a site, they not only buy dvds, they help clear the clutter in the house. I felt a little bit weird about the fact that I've basically consigned away 10 years of dvd memories, but my parents won't miss "Celene Dion in concert" or my unopened xmas present to them. There are enough clips in youtube to remind me of what happens in the film "Commando" not to require the DVD. In an age of youtube and streaming and information comnig out of every orifice, one really doesn't need a DVD collection. It would cost nearly £40 if I sold the compiled collection. £40 in the bank is small potatoes in terms of what I need financially in the coming month, but I'm not going to sniff at it. Every little helps.

After 4 applications, scanning DVD barcodes into my laptop and job searching, I put the icing on the cake for today and applied to a 5th job, I tnen read a whole lot of articles that I've been meaning to catch up on, and then I closed the day by playing a game. I played that game so much that I got motion sickness twice. When I have fun, I need buffer time to process what has happened before I get back to usual activity, when I do a lot in a day, I also need buffer time.

It is my opinion that today went alright. Five applications, three covering letters, one form, one online entry and no triggers. Considering that today started with me feeling shit, I'm pretty pleased with myself. I suspect however that tomorrow I will feel just as shit. Is this a pattern? If so it might be a familiar one: when my anxiety was really bad I was productive in a way that could be seen as positive, the negative aspect of thiat period of time was that I suffered a great amount of anguish, I was constantly terrified and I felt like I couldn't advance in my life in any way at all.

Maybe there is a parallel after all.

In other news, I'm losing my sex drive: I've had 3 orgasms today and I feel tired.I think a healthy diet gives me a different libido.

Oh, a pps, I got a futureme email from myself a year ago, it's funny how similar I am to that person a year ago, one difference however: I am thinner.

My past self asked me if I was thinner, I think he'd be glad to know that I am. Maybe I'll ask my future self: Do you have a decent job yet? Maybe I'll be pleased with the answer, my fear of asking is that I'm afraid that I won't be happy with the answer. Here's to hoping.

Dear Diary,

 

My head is in quite a stupour right now. I'm going to have a shower to see if it helps. In addition, I should note that yesterday went fairly well, considering that I was also in a stupour but I managed to get some amount done, this included 2 job applications, a job search, as well as emailing two people i've been meaning to catch up with. My weight has gone down, it's nearly passed my second marker: 200lbs. Im starting to feel better about my body and even though I've not been to the gym in nearly a week now (I blame this on paintballing, feeling tired/injured over the week), but I think that I should go today.

Finances aren't so great right now. I'm really behind on money projections. It might be a good idea to start signing on again, as much as I hate the prospect...I need to admit that I cant make ends meet. I feel really shit about this.

 

on 'losing a day'

Dear Diary,

I have to admit that Sunday felt like a very, very strange day. I got home late after paintballing and hanging out with friends, but earlier than the official end of their day (I left to go home when they went for more drinks). I should pat myself on the back for avoiding alcohol altogether. I then attempted to write an email to a friend of mine, I didn't send it to her but I made it as a blog post. I had a bit of a catharsis in writing it. I had some feelings I wanted to deal with, and then the next day, after writing it, I moved on. Actually the main thing on my mind was that after I sent the email I noticed a mouse in my room, I jumped and screamed, and my mind was totally in a different place after that. It's funny how somethign completely irrelevant causes a shift.

I can barely remember yesterday/sunday. Yesterday felt like 2 days. I thought by the end of last night that it was in fact Monday night. I needed to check my calendar to realise that that long day was in fact just one day. I didn't actually do much yesterday, I was playing a lot of games, I tidied up my room and I read a few articles. I still have a lot to catch up with, in fact I feel its too much right now. I dont feel very motivated right now, and the added burden of loads of things to do is really getting to me and making me feel quite heavy.

I'm reminded of the past. I've been in situations like this before, in the same headspace. What feels different, and it is very different to back then: is my response. I would waste whole days doing nothing, I'd make myself not care about deadlines, things I'd need to do in the future and just push it all back and away out of consciousness. With my diary system I don't allow myself to do that, I remember so many of those wasted days, just passing me by, and then I would have the audacity to say that I'm not where I want to be. So many years of fucking around and now I realise what it did to my life: what it did to my future.

I try to say to myself that every day for the past couple of years or more, I try to set a task, set goals and achievements, try not to push things back and be aimless (except if I'm ill, taking a day off or some other extenuating (sic) circumstance. I mentioned how sometimes I don't give myself enough credit for the good things, or overdo blame on myself to make it seem better. I'm going to be frank: I fucked up about certain decisions, I need to take ownership of that fact in a way that isn't overkill blame. I feel guitly, but this is part of sobriety for me. Not the overwhelming melodramatic guilt, everyday cotton-grain shame. The kind that's healthy.

Today I'm feeling not 100%, I'll try and do what I can, but that fear of losing a day is always there.

 

 

I wrote an email to someone, then didnt send it and made it a blog post

I have written this email as an excercise in communication. I think that it makes more sense to frame it in a way that communicates to someone else, I have a blog that records my memories and feelings throughout the day. One problem with my blog is that it can end up being repetitive, like an awkward conversation between not very good friends who talk about something such as a memory which is the only thing that holds them together (extended analogy-  homeric writing device).

I need to contact someone, and while I have lots of friends, few of them I really trust, fewer still I trust with the truth. The mind has ways of tricking itself, so being 'honest with myself' has its limitations.I trust you because you might have comparable or relatable experiences to mine, plus (as arrogant as it makes me as a person), become a doctor makes you a doctorate holder, thus by my twisted rhetoric, you have an authority that I can't trust others with, even most medical doctors.

This email may read as some kind of bleak note or moment of insanity, but I assure you it isn't. In fact, I had a great day today, all of the factors came together for a great day. I went paintballing with some friends, then later on we went to see a film, had a drink and they later went on to a guy's flat for more drinks. I decided to go home after the drinks and before the flat. I felt that my anxiety was tested enough. I had nothing to prove to myself, I went out to the film on a spontaneous basis. They are good friends, that normally means they are the kind of people you want to be around when times are good, who talk about superficial stuff and do blokey things like pranks and wield (legal) guns such as in paintballing and airsofting. I learned not to trust them with being myself.

I had a trigger today. I was watching an episode of House (the tv series), and at the point in the series, House was dealing with a psychotic effect of long term painkiller usage, yes, House was in a mental hospital. I suppose it triggered for me because the experience was painfully similar to my experience. It's a memory that always gets me angry when I revisit it, although watching the episode and thinking about my experience does not make me feel angry, but perhaps something else. I'm not sure how to describe it but it was certainly upsetting.

I like House, not just because he's Hugh Laurie, but because he's a doctor who takes a philosophical approach to his work, patients are problems, conceptual puzzles to be solved, much of philosophy uses this kind of reasoning, I suppose I see an unintentional aspiration to a character like that. Another triggering moment was that earlier today after paintballing I had a leg injury (related to a recurring injury) and I have had a few recurring injuries (ACL ligament, left knee) and for a few weeks i've been walking with a limp, and I've had problems with moving my legs: it doesn't do what i want it to sometimes. It seems such a strange issue because I don't think its a real medical problem, but its in my head. A superficial comparison to House was also made in my head.

I'm going through counselling at the moment to deal with my eating disorder history. Because my counsellor is not very helpful, I normally frame sessions beforehand like excercises. I am good at using digressions as an avoiding technique in a conversation, but also I find digressions helpful to say what I really mean (see House episode reference). I am dealing with the past, I am dealing with mistakes, I am trying to accept mistakes. I am trying to see decisions and experiences as both good and bad. Memories of specific periods of my life are both good and bad. The wrong judgment is when you see it as univocally (cannot find relevant word so used medieval term) good or bad. With the bad also came good things, and sometimes I miss the good things about what was an otherwise bad time. This kind of 'sober' approach to my past is how I am trying to frame it. It's not about simplifications like how everything turned to shit but its more an acknowledgement that there were both shitty things and not so shitty things. This also makes me feel guilty and responsible for certain decisions, as seeing things in extremes makes my memories seem almost justifiable, or some kind of inevitable process. I was responsible for what happened, and I had flaws, I want to try and work on those kinds of things, and many of these flaws will put my in uncomfortable positions and feelings.

An example of a 'sober' approach is that I try to acknowledge my vulnerability a little bit more, often I find that getting angry or overly analytical is easier than accepting that I feel scared, uncertain or out of control. I used to be an arrogant person (as you very well knew), and I think that I realise that if I were truly happy in the world, I'd be an arrogant person again. My decisions had implications which have knocked my arrogance down a few pegs, I am eating my own humble pie, and I have only myself to face for it. This is another example of sobriety, I could blame others, or overly blame myself. I am also willing to reflect on my feelings about memories with a different gloss. Many of my friends think of me as a nice and caring person. I suppose that I am, but after a whole lot of gruelling experiences and being reduced further and further as a person until the only thing that I can hold on to is my vulnerability.

My friends mostly know that I'm having trouble finding a decent job, or getting into a PhD. They see that I am determined and pity me. I feel that many people pity me as a victim of circumstance. I wonder if I really am, or if I just was not determined as them in life. I then am led to feelings of entitlement: namely, that I am entitled given all my reading and activity and effort to a better situation, but so many people end up with better, for so much less effort. Perhaps this issue I cannot be 'sober' about. When I think about how people 'pity' me, it makes me tempted to purge.

I feel isolated in a variety of ways. I feel isolated in that many of the insights I have had about human character (sometimes people may call this life experience) can be distilled in reading many works of literature: George Eliot, Spinoza, Kant, Homer, all I need is a reference to make greater sense of what is going on in my mind. The acceptance of my flawed arrogance and being broken down to humility is an instance of what Aristotle calls Magnanimity in his account of ethics, for example. I feel isolated in that I do not think many people understand. Perhaps you do not (I don't expect anyone to), but more people feel sympathy than empathy. Perhaps the one thing that isolates me is a  certain thought process.

If I thought that there is some problem, and address the issue as a problem, you can also see it as something to 'fix'. Many problems people see as fixable, romanticised notions of love where the partner can 'complete' you, or what I come across often is a girl who feels some kind of attraction to me being 'tortured' and wants to fix me. Experience, plus literary familiarity tells me that this kind of relationship ends normally in the following way: other person 'fixes' but then their need to fix still remains, and the dynamic of said relationship falters. I am tired of the notion that I have a problem that can be fixed by one thing. I realise that real life is more a matter of dealing with the boring as well as the glamorous, as well as realising that novelty of the new lasts until it becomes routine. I am not interested in being happy as an important goal, I realise mainly that there are an assortment of experiences that make life fun, and then lots of boring things that need to be done.

I also realised that I do not feel excitement very much, or hope.

putting exclamation marks is my way of stating trigger warnings on google calendar

Dear Diary,

 

I'm having a trigger. I'm having an upset trigger. For all the apprehensiveness I have to other people I can be honest with you, a blog that no one will care to identify with the real person. I got upset just earlier because I am watching an episode of House. I love that series, I love it because it has Hugh Laurie, I love it because the character is complex and in pain, I love it because he's a brilliant mind. I kind of wish I were a Hugh Laurie character. I am probably in the sense that I currently have a limp. In the House episode, in the aftermath of losing a colleague so soon after losing another colleague (as well as his father dying), House has a mental breakdown evidenced by hallucinations.

I got upset by the proximity of a character that I idolise with such a horrific situation. Such a situation that someone so cool is not invulnerable to: mental illness. It's cool to be brilliant and 'tortured', but when it gets medicalised it just doesn't seem as cool anymore, it just reminds me of my history. I'm having an upset trigger, in fact I'm crying a little bit. I'm crying as an expression of honest and vulnerability. I can't remember what I'm supposed to be doing today, I don't really feel like caring. I've got paintball tomorrow and I'm preparing my gear. I set tasks for myself so that I can keep in touch with the world. Today my overwhelming desire is just to lay in bed and think, that kind of thinking is always bad.

Let me just say what I feel in short statements:

• I'm jealous of other people
• I have a problematic and unjustified sense of entitlement
• I feel down
• I feel lonely
• I find much difficulty with opening up to people, trusting them to tell them what I'm feeling, how I'm feeling, and that I'm vulnerable
• I feel left behind
• I want to lay in bed for a while.

What changed?

One thing that I have been thinking about in counselling is perhaps put as a question: what changed?

This requires context. I'm thinking about my past issue with purging. I used to be a very different person, especially when I started this blog. I had aspiration, confidence, arrogance and hope. Now I feel deprived of many of my motivations, mostly disappointed with life. Aspiration is something I am not allowed to have, and I'm stuck in a career vacuum with no hope of getting out of it. I liked the analogy that I heard earlier this week, emailing a former colleague of mine, who said that she's applying to lots of jobs, and seeing 'which one bites'. It's a fishing analogy (it is to be assumed). Throw bait, see the good areas, and see which catches the worm (or whatever bait it is).

I'm very much a different person to who I was at 21. Right now the phrase comes to mind: those with glass houses should not throw stones. I am not entitled to say that I'm better than anyone else, I'm not entitled to say that people are doing shit compared to me, I'm not entitled to be intimidating on the basis of status and ability alone. I don't even have a proper job, I don't have career prospects and I'm barely making enough as it is. The short of it is: I'm vulnerable and that affects the kind of voice I can have, as a person and I suppose as a political voice. Back in the old days those factors didn't impede me. I'm not saying that's the basis of what changed, but these things affect me, inter alia of course. Always needs to be an inter alia.

I speak with a muted voice. Sometimes my true voice is the one I have on here. I'm not as good at being honest with real people anymore, because I trust everyone less and less. I used to live in my head a lot more than I used to. I've just taken that head space and put it in my waking life. I did something quite drastic today, I destroyed a present that my brother gave me to give a message to my dad that he needs to change. My mum is very upset, angry at me. My brother doesn't earn much, its a very sentimental and heartfelt gift. What I did was callous, calculated and cruel. Maybe I regret what I did, maybe the price was too high. My brother is weak, socially powerless and a victim of all these changes going on: just like me.

I'm a real bastard.

sailing

Dear Diary,

 

I am sailing. Sailing through my schedule. Even if I quit everything today, I will have achieved a good amount, but lo! it is still only Midday. Maybe I should masturbate in the mornings more often, I sure feel motivated! I have applied to 4 jobs today, and preparing my 5th application. Maybe today is just a freak, a fluke, all the same, I need to sail it. I've got a busy few days ahead, and a lot planned in my schedule. I need to sail if I can succeed, and really its about the next step: Interviews.

 

The real reason I want to sail forward today, is that I can get to play mass effect! I bet lots of the people who I saw at REED in partnership were looting, I know their kind. I sort of feel sorry for them too, they have no aspirations, and it doesn't help if there aren't any prospects for them in terms of jobs. Maybe they are more rational than me, I still think there is hope...

So onwards I go, hoping, perhaps falsely. Now for my 5th application...

Life during Riots

Dear Diary,

I haven't been up to much lately. I haven't posted much either. If I'm honest, I had been scared for the past couple of days. There's nothing like a shared social experience to give people a sense of identity. So, if I'm reading this years from now I should just say it outright. Since Saturday night, there has been civil disobedience around the country. At first a Riot in Tottenham, London, then lootings the next day. At first it was a demonstration first peaceful then which turned aggressive, the next day it was more that people saw how the police didn't cope as well and attempted to get free stuff. The third day (Monday evening), it got really bad. I could smell the fires from where I lived, looting happened all around the city, and then started in other areas, probably because of 24 hour news media giving people ideas.

Last night it was apparently quiet in London, however, there were riots which were problematic around England. Last night was the first night I got some proper sleep, where I didn't feel as worried. I almost felt like my deepest fears about the world came true on Monday night, the kind of stuff nightmares are made of. Last night however I felt a little bit more detached, It felt comparable to that feeling after a nightmare: it didn't happen, the fear is just in your mind.

I haven't applied to any jobs in a few days. I need to get back to that. I have trained twice this week, which is nice. I had an injury from my knee again. It's better now, but its a not so great.

I'm apprehensive about getting stuff done. Keeping active is the gift that keeps giving, as you keep a routine of it you feel better and keep it up. When I have a change in my routine or a 'leisure' day, that keeps taking time away from me. I feel lazy right now. No one wants to be called lazy, I feel like I could just lay in bed for an hour or so and just get back to it later. I'm not 'tired' though, I was tired on Monday, physiologically tired. I could barely keep it up in the gym, but I still did it. It's not about being weak, it's about being determined.

I wish my dad wasn't so lazy, it affects me in a bad way. It affects me if there are negative people in my life. A generation of kids with bad families who don't look out for them: those riots are what comes from such thoughtless parenting. I hate myself

sad drunk

Dear Diary,

I drank some scotch, I hate scotch, why did I drink scotch tonight?? As it happens, today was fairly eventful, meet up with friend, hang out with my musician brother, hang out with his crew. I also got drunk, possibly stoned by smoke inhalation. Overally today was good, however when I got home I felt quite down, a cute girl that I'm messaging has found a guy. Story of my life. Why would a girl be interested in me if I don't have a PhD? The friend I went to see is a PhD student, we were talking about where mutual friends have ended up since university: many are successful bankers, lawyers, doctors and a few PhDs.

"But what about you, Conatus?"

I'm kind of a weak link for everybody. I'm not in a decent job, I'm a deficient human being by social standards. I'm always their little brother, the little guy, Joe Pesci in a cop movie. This is what I feel, no girl would want me without a PhD, a research record or some kind of distinct means of individuality.

Maybe I'll finish today on positive notes:

• I don't think that I ate *too much* (but didn't eat healthily)
• I lost some weight this morning in my daily reading
• I feel more confident in a T-shirt
• I can't think of anything

I really liked this girl, even though I saw it coming. It's the same fucking story. This girl deserves better than me, better than what I can ever provide. Good for her. I think its fair to say that I'm an sad drunk tonight.

machine guns and tables

Dear Diary,

 

I've had another 5 star day, that meaning that I've undertaken 5 main tasks that I've clocked. 2 job applications (yesterday was 3, 3 is better); job searching (counts as one task); one passive task (contacted potential tutee) and trained for about 45 mins. My training routine changes every month, it seems. I have adapted it so that I don't wear myself out on the cross trainer, but I still get a draining from the rowing machine and HIIT excercises. I've gymed it for 5 days in a row. The past 3 days have been the same format, apply to jobs, search, catch up on tasks, and then I go to the gym. I'd love to do 4-in-a-row. I'd do it tomorrow if my body allows it. This morning I was really drained when I woke up. I felt as if I had slept for 12 hours, but it was more like 7-8. I suppose its positive in the sense that I haven't slept too long, but that kind of fatigue is unexpected. I also had some slight bicep cramps, not strong enough for me to cry wolf, but noticeable enough for me to feel uncomfortable.

I've had a few triggers today, I don't think they are worth going into but I think one way of saying it is this: moving on means passing the memories you want to move from. As I 'move on', I am reminded of what once was. My sources contacted me about something the ADC members are up to these days, and in a sense I don't really want to know, it just makes me upset. I've had little triggers during the day as well. Triggers are experiences where I am reminded of a memory, and it throws me off for a bit, triggers can be hard and some you just can't dodge like a big table being thrown at you: even if you jump and miss you still responded to it. Today's triggers feel more like machine gun fire, small little bullets coming at me at once, not gunning me down completely, but coming so fast that I have to take the bullet one after the other. Perhaps disanalogous to the machine gun, I have found myself still standing. Still standing but a little hurt. I've found my distractions.

In other news, I've also found another potential university to apply to. This time it's for an MA, but they are experts in my area. Very rare. This needs more thought.

I'm lonely.

I'm disappointed

I'm upset

I'm isolated

I'm socially immobile

I'm a victim

I'm hopeful for change

A covering letter that I wrote, (later edited)

I am most interested in being considered for the advertised x Assistant Vacancy with the xx. I am particularly interested in working for a charitable organisation. I hate you you fucking bastards, I hate how you have hindered my social mobility in such a way where I beg for the dreg jobs, I have a higher degree than you, do you know that? I have better qualificiations than you and I hate everything that I have become, asking you for a job is begging and I absolutely hate lowering myself for this job that I probably won’t get. FUCK YOU, FUCKING BASTARDS!!!

A history of Augusts: From 2009 to 209lbs

Dear Diary,

 

Yesterday was a 3-task day, no job applications though. I did a job search, I was allocated an extra shift this August (the only shift available, and my probability of getting it was P: 6/45). I cleared up a good amount of the tasks set for myself that I had not performed over the long weekend, the one positive thing that I did do was go off to the gym after finishing as much as I could. I felt that my concentration was wearing out as I completed as many tasks as I could perform, I also saw that there was no impending deadline as regards a job application for yesterday. I barely even noticed the date yesterday: August 1st.

 

Let's go back to Augusts of the past.

 

2004

This was a great summer for me, in at least one respect: I got accepted into university. That's the official story I give. The real story is something more like this: I tried looking for a job but I was too lazy, I felt like I was being left behind as all my friends were going on 18-30 holidays and I was stuck in secondary school mentality (I know, that was 2 years ago from that age). I spent many days just fucking about on my own playing computer games and watching McGyver re-runs, and didn't really achieve much. In a way I was still trying to get over what just happened; I finished school and the life that I knew just ended. I had some great parties that year, whenever my friends had the time. Basically I was a friend for hire, when everyone else had time. There was a moment afterward where certain songs would be my anthem, one particular song was Queen's Princes of the Universe, as at the time, I used to watch a lot of FX and the TV show Highlander was on, that itself was a nostalgia programme for me. I guess my life was all about nostalgia, for the immediate past and my childhood. No wonder I found it diffuclt to grow up.

2003

This was a year I don't remember full well as the sands of time have obscured my memories. Even now I have other distractions. Perhaps that is the reason I'm writing this blog post, to escape. I started growing out my hair at this period of time. I started making a real group of friends, not just guys at school that I'd hang out with, but guys I'd contact and have fun with and we'd hang out and drink together. I feel like such a disappointment right now, I had so much potential but I did not bother to go out into the world and reach for all the oppurtunities I know that I can have. Didn't bother to get a job, just lazed about playing gamecube or whatever 17 year olds  did in 2003. I do remember one sleepover, and a few parties (probably more like one party)

2005

This was the year I got depresssed for the first time (as in clinically depressed). Life was all upside down, 2004 and 2003 seemed like paradise by comparison. A year or two years difference seemed like an eternity, the gift of age has given me context. A year is nothing to me now, 2 years ago I was basically the same as I am now, which I am quite disappointed about, back in this time, however, time seemed to go on forever. At the time I was back home with my parents, disappointed by the events of the previous year. I was upset, jealous even, of how many of my friends had new girlfriends, new lives and new friends. I spent the summer waiting on them to finish their holiday and then we did have some fun moments: I saw a lot of my brother's gigs, I started driving lessons (I think) and I went drinking quite often with my buds. I started to find myself a little bit, but I ended up being a douchebag (I even shopped at douchebag stores. That took a few years to change. One thing I distinctly remember was a feeling of the insufferable and inescapable heat, that and being forced out of bed because the slovenian builders were working in the house and I had to keep moving around, those builders made me feel uncomfortable not least for their lack of ability to speak English. Many of the tradesmen who came to deliver goods had racialist things to say about builders who couldn't speak English, I remember one instance where a black delivery guy was racist, that was just weird for all concerned, a black guy being racist about Eastern Europeans to ME? It feels like my world had gone upside down, and that was just a delivery. My anxiety started at this time as well.

2006

This was a year where I gained a whole lot of weight (why? I can attribute to laziness and antidepressants), I started to feel better about myself, I had some good times, fun experiences and started to feel better in myself. There was one (well two) trigger moments during this August, one was finding out that a certain girl was concealing a relationship that she had. I might talk about this at another time but this led to a downfall of events which instigated my suicide attempts. Another event was a confrontation with a school friend, this guy opened up about his animousity with me and I realised that I was a real bastard. This I suppose, was a moment when I realised that I needed to change. Since I finished college, I didn't know how to be as a person, then when I did end up as a certain kind of person, I just hated who I was: I was a fat person, it took a slow process before I would rectify this situation.

2007

After graduation. What a relief! I have finished my degree, I have a Masters to look forward to, but I didn't plan well enough! I had a problem: I still was stagnant in my life, but I felt some small resolves had been made. My transition from the arsehole who was fat and self destructing back in 2006 still was missing something. I was well aware of the fact that I was still a virgin, I was stuck. I had really low moments, and I still had depression. My problems were still there, I may have finished my degree and passed a real personal challenge, I did not however, resolve what was wrong with me. I also had a problem finding somewhere to live for when I started my degree. I had one experience when I was texting Laura in a train station feeling totally alone and isolated, cold and hopeless. I'm not sure of I can ever convey that feeling of vulnerability, my MP3 player had died on me, my phone was low on juice. The platform didn't even have lighting and I was cold. All I had was a text to Laura, a girl that I didn't even really know. At the end of August I decided to purge, my first day was September 1st 2007. I will always remember that day. It was strange how it started, it just seemed alien to me, but it started to feel really right.

2009

So I've described the story as a narrative of change, change to adulthood (from starting uni etc) and then a change to an arsehole, and then a way of trying to find the real underlying problem, ironically by purging and starting a new one. August 2009 (I won't go into 2008, just read the posts from then) was when I moved back home with my parents, my girlfriend eventually dumped me, and I got fat again. For all the change that purging can do, my body took away. I lost the confidence that Antonia gave me, I lost my sexiness, and I lost my independence. I was thrown back years. In trying for so long to get over the problems that were inside me, I just reverted, just like that, so easily. Something I said to myself back in 2007 comes to mind. I used to have these real fits of anger, but anything that I'd throw down in my room in a rage would have to be picked up again. Everything that I threw down and fucked up as Mia took over me, I had to recover. Some of the damage may be irreversable, the rest of my life since August 2009 has been an attempt to put it all together again.

So what now? What am I doing now? I have a schedule of little tasks, every day gives me other jobs to look for and apply to. Since I have more free time this month I'll spend more time at the Gym. I've been at counselling for the past few months and I have lost weight. My lowest ever weight since 2009 is 209lbs (I just laughed out loud at the similarity of those numbers). I'm still overweight and I know that, but I'm working on it. I'm working at the gym regularly, I'm making more of a conscious effort at controlling my diet, and I am even enjoying myself with some game time after I finish my tasks of the day. Maybe life is getting better, maybe things are changing. I even have a new computer. I've actually felt a bit down lately due to all of the disappointing job rejections of July, but I am aware that this has been a process for me. I know that I'm a bit slower than everyone else in getting my life on track, but I sincerely hope that I'm making the steps forward.

I found writing this post hard, and now I'm getting back to my day.