ABC Please: 29 January 2024

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I cycled about 50 miles last week

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident - I did my treadmill running in an acceptable amount last week

C: Cope ahead - This is a constant challenge but last week I was in a good place with it, this week...a challenge but Resilience is the name of the game

P: Physical illness prevention - my mental health has taken a big dive this week and last

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - see above

E: Exercise regularly - I did a rest day on Sunday and it made me feel super uncomfortable to force myself to have one. In other words, yes I'm exercising reegularly

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - drug of choice yesterday was a 14 inch pizza (I still lost bodyfat after eating it, gained weight hto)

S: Sleep healthy - I think I'm doing okay with this

E: Eat healthily - I'm enjoying my food but I'm also working out hard. Let me just say it like this: my bodyfat is at a good place at the moment. I did eat a bit more on Sunday, I was at a party on Saturday and so there was party food and snacks on Saturday, but in spite of that, I achieved my cardio goals, my cycling goals, my pokemon go kilometer goals

All in all, in spite of the mental dip (I need to lay down a bit...) it's been okay in pure terms of the numbers and the  metrics I've set. Fighting. i need to lay down now I am quite unwell

 my hopes for the future

• I want to be one with my gender expression and without judgment
• I want to be myself
• I want a clear room
• I want a clea rmind
• I want to be healthy
• I want to be valued
• I want to be respected
• I want to be me
• I want to feel agency
• I want to be organised

 Savings are 69.48k at the moment which means with regards to savings goals, the following are achieved:

• 64k by end of October (ambitious 10/07/2023)
• 65k by end of October (set 05/08/2023)
• 65k by end of November (ambigious 10/07/2023)
• 66k by end of November (05/08/2023 set)
• Reasonable goal: 65k by end of December 2023?
• 65k by end of December (revised goal 10/07/2023)
• 66k by end of December (ambitious 10/07/2023)
• 67k by end of December (revised goal 05/08/2023)
• 65k by January 2024 (Lowball, set 10/07/2023)
• 66k by February 2024 (lowball set 10/07/2023)
• 67k by March 2024 (lowball, set 10/07/2023
• 68k by April 2024 (set 10/07/2023)
• 
  

ABC Please

 ABC Please:

21/01/2024 (I accidentally put in 2024)

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I had 121s with staff going through a difficult time. I'm writing a lot for my therapy, I'm 'doing the work' in terms of therapy. I'm cycling, I'm running and I'm giving up gym today to focus on admin. Positiv things I think so

B: Build masty in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless. I'm working on therapy pre-write, I'm running and I'm working a lot to keep to a plan. I think these are things that help my sense of agency

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing better at this than previous weeks. I know I have some challenges ahead and I know there's difficulties. I have to put the time in I suppose. I get tired a lot which affects my ability to plan

P: Physical illness prevention. My bodyfat has stayed at 32% the past few days. It hasn't gone up, that's good. I'm surprised it hasn't gone down though

L: Low vulnerability to diseases: I've cried a lot this week, been unwell with distress. But I'm fighting in many ways

E: Exercise regularly: I'm hitting the minimums for sure: 30 miles strava, 50km on pokemon go: indoor cardio 5000kcal (goal is 2500), 90 mins, theo nly thing I haven't done is the 30 miles indoor cardio but that's because Running doesnt go as far as cycling and I dont go fast on running 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. I had a couple takeaways and I had a cafe breakfast, I haven't had any alcohol or cigars, not much wankohol either.

S: Sleep healthy: I'm up at usual hours. Some insomnia I won't lie but I haven't woken up late in the morning or afternoon. I was up almost all night last night/this morning though. Maybe keen to sleep earlier tonight

E: Eat healthy. My weight isn't going down, but my bodyfat isn't going up. BF is harder to lose and easy to gain. Weight seems hard to lose and easy to gain.  My BF is stabilising is the key thing.

 Things I'm positive about

(not posted in a while I know...)

1. Im exploring some deep stuff in therapy atm
2. I've come out as genderfluid to afew colleagues
3. Chatted with J helped dissipate how I'm so deeply pining for her
4. I'm doing some deep work before the next therapy session
5. I feel affirmed when A at work told me she's also thinking of moving away from cisgender

oh yeah so im not sure if i mentioned. a series of events last year helped me realise I want to change things up with gender. I'm still *mostly a guy*. Wearing the tucking shorts helps, making my own aromatherapy blends, wearing more pink, purple (Like Aquaman). My kimono I wear and use as a blanket, also the fact I have an alter in me that's a she/her.

I don't wanna transition medically I don't think...just changing things up a bit, some of it I've already been doing and I'm just acknowledging I'm doing it helps a lot.

 Fitness goals achieved:

Get to 32.5% (25/09/2023)

Keep under 32.5% for a week (27/10/2023)

Get to 32.0% (25/09/2023)

keep under 32.0% for a week (27/10/2023)

Long hair

 Long Hair

I'm going through my magazines at the moment. I'm mreading National Geographic history and they are talking about Louis (the fourteenth) XIV in the early 17th Century. Louis the XIV and (to some degrere, Charles II, the english monarch who was in exile in france) took to a fashion of wearing long curly hair and because Aristocrats were basically the influencer culture of that time, many others followed suit as did the depictions that valorised an aspirational life.

What does it say that in the 17th century, masculinity was long hair and then when politics changed, (particularly with Louis XV moving away from the wigs and Louis XVI being the end of French Monarchy) that our gender presentation is not some fixed thing. 

There's all this talk about 'sex is real' and so on, Sonia Sodha says that 'trans rights activism' is the idea to replace gender away from sex. That's absolutely not the case and that's absolutely a strawman argument. Hair, clothing they are all gender signifiers. I tend to find the 17th century interesting for ideas, I find the 18th century more interesting. 

Things like facial hair are very seasonal and generational, as are hair styles. To some degree we could say: who cares, why does it matter, just let people do what they want. But the thing is society is defined by penalising and implicit rules. Some are to the legal system itself and some are social sanctions. Its important to be upfront that social sanctions exist entirely in the space where we accept them but do not mention them by name. I feel that my hair is an important part of gender expression. I don't know what it says but it feels right. I don't especially care to think what it means. I feel as I explore myself more I will find more expression aspects of me I've hitherto felt closed to myself

Bracelets

 Since October MCM (Comicon) I started wearing a bracelet. I went to this LGBTQ+ stall at comicon and I saw they had these stimming bracelets (for autism) and one was in genderfluid flag colours. I decided it was an amazing thing and it felt like it was meaningful to me.

I want to talk about Jewlerry. Today (7th January) I'm reading a supplement about watches. I used to say, and perhaps I still do, I don't Jewelery. Jewellery feels like something you can lose easily and I dont understand the meaning of jewellery. I remember in school I'd see people with plasticky cheap jewelery and it felt like if that was some personal expression it seems cheap. If you wear something that's cheap it is a statement about you, was how I saw it. If I ever wore something it would mean something to me. 

I got into watches. Watches I could afford or aspired or saved up to afford. When I was 11 or 12, in year 7, I saved up for a Seiko automatic. I think it must have been £40 and it took me weeks to save up. Then in year 10 I got a seiko kinetic and that was mabt £70 or £80. It meant so much to me and people would joke how I was into automatic powered watches. I have a Tissot watch from my brother in law. Matt got it for me and gave it to me on his wedding day. Matt's wedding was on the 7th July 2007, 3 days before my 21st birthday. It was a 21st birthday gift, also I did loads of favours for my sister and brother in law before their wedding. I used to house sit for them for days while they received all sorts of weird stuff in the mail. This was an era before Amazon prime and professional delivery services, so when something didn't arrive it was really hard to get to a depot. That watch still means something in that sense. I also have a Seiko Sportura which I think cost about £350 in 2009, i think by today's standards that's more like £500. 

I used to like wearing those masculine watches until I got into smartwatches. I do quite like my smartwath. I have a pink watch strap. I like wearing pink. Anyway all of this is a distraction I wanted to talk about bracelets. 

I had this bracelet in October. I ended up losing it in November. I got really distressed when I lost it. I'll explain why. I felt when it was gone I didn't have anything that said 'genderfluid'. Sometimes I feel very much located in my masculinity and a man, sometimes I don't. Sometimes I go for so long as a man I worry all those things I felt as Mia were never real, or like some fundamental part of me is gone. 

In the context of where I work, the politics and society of transphobia, I feel like my bracelet is my ownly form of exprssion. When I lost it, I was looking on Etsy for a new one. I didn't find one but I saw one in the flag colours for the bi flag and I asked the vendor if I could have a custom made one. I explained to the vendor how wearing that bracelet is my only current form of expression and I dont think people will approve if they really knew what I was feeling inside, they made a custom bracelet for me and I was happy to receive it. They were happy to make it. I still have it to this day. 

I guess what I'm trying to say is my mind changed. When I was in primay school seeing those people with the cheap bracelets. I feel like I'm allowing myself to enjoy what they did. It's not the price or even the quality of the materials, but I feel like I understand what the meaning was, its' their self expression