I'm in the middle of a nasty flu-cold and my only bit of lucidity is doing some admin. Anyway I thought I'd take a quick pause because one of my rumination exercises have come up.

2010: I discover Florence + the Machine. I'm surprised I like her music. I like that she's about my age. I like that it's otherworldly. I feel like it touches a part of me inside myself and it contnrasts so much with my other music interests which are mostly metal. Given the recent gender questioning I'm having lately I feel like maybe there's something in it. I'm currently watching the music video (originally unreleased) of Hurricane Drunk. 

Gosh the 2010s were shit. I was just struggling to get into job interviews, struggling to get work, struggling to make money and if I wasn't doing the aforementioned I would be depressed. I think the main thing that was a respite was going to body balance class and then later on i started body attack and body pump classes and explored the other classes. I felt post university and post breakup I was moving into a new sense of identity. One not based on educastion and a sense of status, which I had neither of those anymore. 

3 things I am positive about today

(For Saturday)

1.  In spite of a difficult start to the day, I made decisions to aim to get everything done even if I might not get the perfect execution. I did fairly well all things considered.

2. I got the physical tasks done today: I serviced my bike, I did my manscaping, I went out to get the paper, I cycled to the other supermarket for some cheap drinks and supplies. 

3. I wasn't originally planning to do it but I did 40 mins of cardio in the gym. My original goal was to do 100 heart points but I ended up doing 201 by the end of the day thus exceeding the amount. My fitness is perhaps at an all time high although my weight is not dropping or my bodyfat. 

ABC Please 05/11/2023

 ABC Please 05/11/2023

A: Accumulate positive experiences - I went on a date

B: Build mastery in experiences - treadmill is at a good pace

C: cope ahead - I'm struggling at the moment but I think writing my schedule ahead helps

P: Physical illness prevention - I am not sure 

L : Low vulnerability to diseases : physical activity is at an all time high

E: Exercise regularly - see abouve

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - less chocolate, no booze, lots of burger king

S: Sleep healthy: I have beeen tired and depressed a lot, so yes?

E: Eat healthy: could be better honestly

 I wrote in my diary on sunday a few weeks ago to check in myself if i have any follow up on therapy. It is the case that I have a first appointment on 7pm Wednesday. 

So I haven't written about it on this blog but in the past few months and weeks I've wanted to explore my gender expression more and i've felt very upset at how long I've been ignoring this issue for so long. I have this cycling bib and it compresses my junk and it feels like a big relief to wear it. I think if I were to give a label, I am 'genderfluid'. Wearing the kimono at comicon felt like such a big relief. 

I'm getting into some problems at work and i think therapy helps