Wednesday, May 10, 2017

dear diary,

it has been two weeks since I've started citalopram. My brain feels very disordered. My head is aching constantly and I am frequently confused or distorted and I feel lows. But they are less frequent.

Perhaps a mild headache or dizziness, the kind of thing that comes with a second or third drink, will not be the end of me. On the plus side. I have lost weight.

The time is 1822. I'm at work, 2/3rd of the office have gone home. It's not a big news day and its a beautiful sunny day. It has not been this sunny in a long while. We are all hoping that it may continue.

I am at my desk at work because I feel that my job is the only thing that justifies my life.

Relations with my parents have met an all time low. I really need to rectify that. My wider family I suspect must be talking about me. My friends, well, at least I still have a few of them.

My life revolves a lot around routine. It helps me to have Google Home. I say: Hey Google, set me a timer for 8 hours, set me a time for 9 hours, set me a timer for 10 hours. And I sleep, I am woken periodically by many timers which eases me to wake.

A disaster looms upon my life.

A disaster of my own making.

What was it that Ultron said? We create the things we dread.

I sincerely hope there's a future after this. But before there's an after, there's the eye of the needle, the camel going through the impossibly tiny gap (that's a biblical reference).

My mind is not in a good way. But at least my body is in one of the best shapes it has been in years.

At least for now. I expect much to change.


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