Dear Diary,

I think that I have some very bad addictive problems. It's slowly eating my mind and I dont know if I can come out of what its made me. I feel very bad for how my compulsive behaviours are taking me to places that I don't like.

I got a lot done at work today. The Sentinel paper has gone through a wave of voluntary redundancies and there's a lot of red tape around all the administrative processes .

I spent a lot of the day watching netflix and iplayer documentaries. I must admit there's a good series on about 19th century social science wank figures (Marx, Nietzsche and Freud).

Something inside me is screaming. I've been training a lot lately. I did about 90 mins of weights and calisthenics at the gym today after work. I find that I feel a lot more energy, I feel that because I am less in pain and less tired and my appetite has less of an affect on my emotions.

For the past 4 days I've come home and sat at my desk. I've had a list, items in an agenda to complete a selection of tasks. Some of these tasks are quite long. One task is to write up a list of the 2016-2017 premiership football matches (for betting purposes where the teams are unbalanced). I don't think I'm even half way through.

Another thing I want to do is to keep up with my reading. I really need to be serious about this. Yes, I read a lot of broadsheets (working in one helps) and magazines but I need to catch up on journals. I need to catch up on what my friends from uni days are doing nowadays. I need to find out what the latest thinking on philosophical issues are. I also need to learn a lot more maths.

I have so many ideas for myself and so many ideas of what I want to be and who I want to be, that I'm not very good at actually realising them. Well, it's a matter of scheduling, and energy.

I've been reading a lot of news stuff. I am keeping up pretty well with my fitness routine (although I'm only as good as my last workout). I did 17 hours of training last week.

Perhaps the best thing I can do with all of my goals to be a musical-fitness-intellectual polymath is to get a good amount of sleep.

p.s. I feel very very lonely and isolated. I really wish I was hanging out with more people my age.

dear diary,

I've asked to take a day off from work. I think I need it. I've been overwhelmed with everything lately.

I have spent my morning sleeping in, I got up about 12. I had some horrible panic dreams, which sucked. It was like when I was depressed back in the day. I'd want to stay in bed because my body just felt like giving up. But then there was the feeling that if I stayed in bed I would be more misterable because I wasn't living my life and wasting away. This feeling was only brief as I eventually got up out of bed.

I had a big lunch (note to self: log it on myfitnesspal), and I've been going through my admin tasks that I'd normally do on a sunday. I realise that I have about 2 hours before I need to go to badminton and my day is basically done. What a shitty, grown up boring day off. It really sucks. I end up doing things that I really need to do and I have even been working a bit by email.

Working in a national newspaper is a lot of strain, even with a relatively lowly position such as mine, the organisation is going through so many changes with the decline of print media and it has a knock on effect on the workload and the scope of my work. My physical health is the best it has ever been. I think it is the best it will ever be. The guy at the work boxing club called me muscle boy. That's kind of a compliment.

I also went to a kink party last weekend. I want to talk about that but I feel like I've got so much else I need to focus on right now.

I have to do everything and hit the ground running. I don't have space to stop, I don't have time to stop. Most importantly, I have the wellbeing and health to be stretched in this way. Perhaps this is the person I should be right now. Except for one thing - I feel like I'm so very close to my own death. I feel like I know when its going to happen and how, and it saddens me.

I better get back to work.

dear diary,

One of the problems I have with setting such a high bar for myslef is that I hardly get things done and finalised.

Last week I asked to join a boxing club set up at work. The first session is tomorrow (wednesday). I'm a little bit scared but I think it will be exciting.

I think I have observed sometrhing in myself lately.

Over the past few weeks, I think, I might be right here - that I have a bit more physical energy. It's nice. It's nice to feel that.

Anyway. I better go to bed. I was really deliberate about how to spend my time after I finished badminton.

Getting enough kip has been so important to me lately.

dear diary,

I just wrote a letter to myself, in the future. Three selves: 39, 49 and 59.

God that fucking scares me.

It also made me feel a little philosophical.

It reminds me I need to email another friend of mine.

The ambience around me

Today was a busy wednesday at work. For some reason I missed the train, so I got the later one/made an alternative route.

Today was moderately busy at work today. I managed to get a lot done. I finished work late and most of the people around me had left already. I thought that I would go to the gym after work. I may have mentioned that I am doing a second Men's Health workout programme. This one is called 'beach body', it's 10 weeks and I'm into week 3. The workout that I did today was punishing. I felt like I pushed myself to uncomfortable physical places, some of them were in jobs not dissimilar to what I did or what I do now (which is in no large part how I know/knew them). The other thing is that a lot of them went to pretty decent universities and then ended up working at the paper and moving on elsewhere.

I feel unremarkable after looking at their lives. Part of me feels disappointed. A larger part of me feels a general sense of: I wish that I lived a more fulfilled life, or a life of more distinction. Then some other parts of me are the demons.

When I was without my laptop I was cherishing the moment that I'd be on my desk, having the time, energy and space to just sit at my desk and philosophically reflect on my life as I am doing right now. I valorise this experience and yet it seems so mundance. I am silent in the ambience of my comptuer fan and many TVs of neighbours (and Dad downstairs) in the distance.

Something else has upset me recently. The feeling that I am isolated from the world. A feeling of being...lonely? This seems almost bizarre because I feel that I'm around so many people and my personal relationships have been (with a few powerful exceptions) at an all time great.

Something hit me emotionally, which spurred me to write right now. A feeling of underachievement, a lack of significance. Then the realisation hit me. Despite all the ways in which my life has (radically) changed in recent months. Something deep inside me stays and sticks. It's the thought of: I'm not good enough

It's still inside me. It is almost comforting to revisit that realisation, it is comforting because there is a resounding harmony between myself and the self of the past..

If there's one thing that I need to do before the night is out, it is to write some emails to myself on futureme.