Just earlier I went on Facebook. I did something I haven't done in a while. I was 'stalking' a few profiles. Mostly people I went to school with. Looking at their pics I see their lives and I feel as if a fly on the wall of their most hallowed memories.

I feel a sense of detached happiness for them. They have beautiful lives and happy memories. What feels odd for me is seeing their not so recent pics. Pics from times since I last knew them. When I was going through my own life, they were living their own adventures and challenges.

I feel an odd closeness to people I knew from primary school. They are almost certainly unrecognisable now
But I still feel happy when I see them smile on their Facebook memory wall.

Perhaps this is what magnanimity is like

dear diary,

lately i've not posted much. I guess I have had less interesting thoughts, or scary realisations and dark revelations that I'd rather not share. I don't like much of who I am. but I do realise I need to work on my problems.

dear diary.

today I'm trying to motivate myself to get some boring shit done.

I think my best motivation presently is to say: iff you get enough stuff done in a couple of hours, you can go to the gym.

If it works...

I was watching the fim Ghost Rider (the second one) in recent days. I was drawn to the idea of Nicolas Cage as a person who had a demon inside him. The dark side inside him that was a perverse senes of good. I guess I can relate to that at the moment.

I have a lot of demons at the moment. Demons which are ruining my life. I really want to change myself and I must change with every draw of breath and every sinew of effort.

I woke up about 7am today, and I listened to the radio. Radio 4, it was quite ccomforting. Then I felt exceptionally tired and then I managed to get up and out of bed by about 10:30. Since then I have been attempting to blaze through a pre-ordained set of tasks that I have set for myself today.

I still feel the demon inside me callling, sloth, pride, accidie. All of those horrible things. I am looking forward to a few things in social life coming up:

• A friend of mine is in an opera and I'll be seeing him after work on wednesday next week
• tomorrow I have a discussion group
• I might be going on a date next monday with a person i've not been out with before, but whom I know.
• Stag party in a couple of weeks. 

Dear Diary,

I've not been posting much. I think that's partly because I have a slow computer where RAM is a bit difficult to load a page, so I've stripped down things to the essentials.

In other news lately:

PhD

One university is asking if I'll take up their offer from last year. While another I am considering applying to.

Money

I'm worried about money again. I've lately started betting to try and get some more money. I've been making slow gains in terms of the betting.

Health

My health has good and bad days. My body has gotten better from doing the gym and weating a weighted vest, oh yeah, I've bought a weighted vest. I have , as of today, re-started my Sertraline. My night terrors continue and I'm not very well mentally.

Work

I am still doing 2 temp part time casual jobs. I re-start at the Sentinel this week. I'm kind of relieved/glad to do so. That will help with my money woes.

Relationships

Things are going well with Hannah, I am starting to feel all goey and lovey about her with really small things, like listening to the lion king soundtrack and we have nicknames for each other. In other news, my ex Antonia has re-contacted me and things are on okay terms. Casual, as it were. Another woman-girl whom I have had some online contact with over the years has started to contact me a bit more, and I'll be meeting her next week I think. Details to come soon on that front.