In other news: my money worries are pushed back until about...april or so.

Dear Diary,

For the first 3 or so days that I upped my Sertraline dosage to 75mg, my brain went all fucked up and it was like I was severely depressed. I was bed bound and completely exhausted mentally and physically and ...spiritually. It wasn't a good feeling.

For the past couple days I feel that I've picked up a bit. However I still have anxiety and other worries hanging over my head.

I feel like I've died a little lately. I feel like my big social death is coming up soon. There's a big shitstorm coming soon and I'm frightened by it. I also have to accept it's coming as well.

today I did the following:

• had a haircut - slightly different style to what i usually get
• had insomnia
• lunch at mcdonalds (twice, in two different restaurants [i have a bit of a mcdonalds addiction at the moment])
• met a friend sporadically at mcD's - we talked a bit.
• Sent off my watch to the jewelers to change the strap
• went for a walk around in wimbledon, and also noting places that scenes from the it crowd were filmed
• Updated my pay matrix (I got 7 + 3 extra work days)

Upcoming I have the following today:

• Apply to a job at The Sentinel's news desk
• Go to body attack
• go to body combat
• Possibly get soem more mcdonalds on the way home

Dear Diary,

My fatigue reaction to sertraline is less intensive and less clawing at me. I'm still a cocktail of fuck at the moment.

In other news, I feel utterly depressed and of low motivation. I feel like I've undone 10 years of mental health wisdom and healing through my distress episode.

In other other news, I was given 2 days cover yesterday, which is now 3 days cover. And I also have been given 6 days of extra assignments/ shifts between feb-march. Which is nice. That will pay me through March-April-to maybe even may.

I've been bed bound for a lot of the past few days. which I don't like. Life is a struggle for me right now.

I'm off to badminton now.

p.s. I need to shave, and get a hair cut.

dear diary,

I'm going through hell right now. I'm exhausted and my brain feels like it's shut down. I don't know how I am going to face life feeling like this. It feels so hard to fight, I really need to shake out of it, but I can't seem to will myself out of it.

It's official. Depression is back.

The good news of today is that I am upright and can manage to sit on my chair.

Things I did on friday:

• Got paid
• Gym class
• Went for a walk - got lunch and put money into oyster, got a metro from the train station 
• Picked up my new meds
• Upped medication of sertraline - 75mg for a week, then up to 100
• stupour (if i'm honest)
• TV Catchup
• £20 in oyster
• went to restaurant

I don't think I'll ever feel normal. 

I fucked up.

dear diary,

I've upped my dosage of sertraline.

I've not been so well over Wednesday. The most effort I applied was to having a shower, getting out to the GP and picking up dry cleaners. I did watch a lot of netflix.

I'm going to try sleeping.

there as a time back in 2007 when I was in a really shitty place, or maybe it was 2006. I threw all my books off the shelf in a rage. Nobody else was there.

it felt a little bit good.

But then I had to put the books back together again.

I left the books on the floor for a day. Some of the books are still dog-earred and folded as a result of being folded over at the cover and first few pages having been thrown down.

I picked up those books. I learned a lesson then.

Anything I want to throw that's mine I'll have to pick up again.

Life's not too great at the moment, I'm remembering that moral quite poignantly.

Dear Diary,

My life's not what it was before.

I'm adapting.

I need to stay on the anxiety meds for a while. The anxiety attacks I feel are never too far away. Also I have lost a lot of my 'entourage' (a euphemism) that kept me sane. I have had to start over with a different crew.

I have a sudden urge to shit. I thought I was going to blog something deep tonight after my long day.

I better go...

no wait. It's an anxiety sensation, not an actual need to use the toilet.

I've finished working at the pictures desk of the Sentinel. It was a really interesting time. Now I need to carry on with life and move forward in some way. In some way...

10 positive things about me. because an app suggested it

1. I'm a survivor
2. I'm an adaptor
3. I'm open minded to change
4. I'm a learner
5. I'm determined
6. I'm a fighter
7. I'm loving to my friends and family
8. I have a good memory, too good sometimes
9. I don't have insomnia
10. I have redeeming features

dear diary.

i've been away for a while.

I'm going to keep a bit of a lower profile for the time being.

Everything is on emergency/panic mode right now.

Things are not as they were. Things have changed and I have changed.

Went to a party today. I felt almost normal.