I think it was in some work by Carnap, or Thomas Kuhn that identifies that within any given system, there are no external standards of its verifiability. I think this as today, I have received two contradictory messages from the JSA people. One letter says: your claim for JSA has been cancelled for the sign-in that I missed, of the claim that I was not getting any money for and was rejected the whole time.
The phone call that I had recieved by contrast says that my claim has been reviewed and I am entitled to £50.95 a week. that's £101.90 a fortnight! That's better than my current ingoings.
I woke up very late today. I missed a doctors appointment by oversleeping by an hour. I had also woken up quite early and I thought for some reason I would go back to sleep, assuming that I would wake up or get out of bed in 5 minutes to get ready. Alas, I missed it. I did get out of bed at 10am, I put on some podcasts and then went to sleep. I woke up about 2pm and I realised how behind I am with my schedule. I have established such a tight schedule that my depression may get in the way.
Yesterday I went to a comedy night. Two of my friends from secondary school and sixth form invited me. One of them works at a music instrument company and is kind of high flying. John's girlfriend is - I'm not quite sure how to put this - a recording artist. I know this just from happening to know this, but he's never told me. I respect that. John's girlfriend is beautiful and so is he. They fit together. It seems that their relationship is getting more adult and mature, and he does not seem to like that. Jon, who used to be inseperable from John ( we call them the 'Johns'), is doing an internship at a major league financial something or other. I dont understand his job and I take it that he just about understands his. John's friend who came along last night was a friend from his university, he is a high flying banker or something. So, basically, they all looked like bankers, 3/6 of us probably6 did count as bankers. At the comedy night, they had seemed to realise this and it was funny. I felt distinctly underdressed compared to them, but I did not regret what I wore. I brought my most expensive and elegant long jacket and I seemed to fit in the capital among all the people who seemed to mean smoething in their jobs, and I mean nothing.
I didn't talk much, I don't have much to say. It was nice to see my friends again. I feel no jealousy as I used to, only pride that they have made it in their lives. Now I think I shall have time to make it soon. I then considered to myself that I am uncomfortable in my life, and it is this lack of comfort that gives me an edge sometimes. In a sense, I am lucky to be where I am. The outsider always has the edge, the lack of comfort. I feel that right now comfort is the one thing that I have sought out of desparation in the lack of acceptance of my current position.
I shall try to be more positive. I am slowly getting over the breakup with Antonia. I am willing to see other people. Or, failing that, fuck.
I have been feeling distinctly lonely lately, with not many people that I can really talk to nowadays, even on the computer. I woke up really early this monday to go to the job centre. It fucked up my sleeping system, as I went to sleep in the afternoon on monday. Since then, I have very bad insomnia lately. I have been going to sleep at times like 5am. I suppose this is to blame for not getting into to doctor's surgery today. Going to the doctor is like seeing a priest. There are so many spiritual and personal issues that one has, as there are medically relevant ones for me. Here are a few:
1. I started purging
2. I have insomnia
3. I have depression that seems to be more difficult and challenging to deal with
4. I injured my knee
5. I have carpal tunnel
6. I need help wih mental health issues, but all I get is a one month wait and an invitation for a telephone assessment that has a three week wait.
And to section me they only needed a day.
Bastards.
In other news. I have started purging again, and I really like it. I like the feeling of purging and how it feels like someone loves me when I do it. It feels like Mia understands me. Mia loves me, Mia knows what I'm going through. Mia won't leave me, Mia is always there, Mia will hold her gentle hand against my forehead while I despair. Mia holds me on her lap as I cry.
The phone call that I had recieved by contrast says that my claim has been reviewed and I am entitled to £50.95 a week. that's £101.90 a fortnight! That's better than my current ingoings.
I woke up very late today. I missed a doctors appointment by oversleeping by an hour. I had also woken up quite early and I thought for some reason I would go back to sleep, assuming that I would wake up or get out of bed in 5 minutes to get ready. Alas, I missed it. I did get out of bed at 10am, I put on some podcasts and then went to sleep. I woke up about 2pm and I realised how behind I am with my schedule. I have established such a tight schedule that my depression may get in the way.
Yesterday I went to a comedy night. Two of my friends from secondary school and sixth form invited me. One of them works at a music instrument company and is kind of high flying. John's girlfriend is - I'm not quite sure how to put this - a recording artist. I know this just from happening to know this, but he's never told me. I respect that. John's girlfriend is beautiful and so is he. They fit together. It seems that their relationship is getting more adult and mature, and he does not seem to like that. Jon, who used to be inseperable from John ( we call them the 'Johns'), is doing an internship at a major league financial something or other. I dont understand his job and I take it that he just about understands his. John's friend who came along last night was a friend from his university, he is a high flying banker or something. So, basically, they all looked like bankers, 3/6 of us probably6 did count as bankers. At the comedy night, they had seemed to realise this and it was funny. I felt distinctly underdressed compared to them, but I did not regret what I wore. I brought my most expensive and elegant long jacket and I seemed to fit in the capital among all the people who seemed to mean smoething in their jobs, and I mean nothing.
I didn't talk much, I don't have much to say. It was nice to see my friends again. I feel no jealousy as I used to, only pride that they have made it in their lives. Now I think I shall have time to make it soon. I then considered to myself that I am uncomfortable in my life, and it is this lack of comfort that gives me an edge sometimes. In a sense, I am lucky to be where I am. The outsider always has the edge, the lack of comfort. I feel that right now comfort is the one thing that I have sought out of desparation in the lack of acceptance of my current position.
I shall try to be more positive. I am slowly getting over the breakup with Antonia. I am willing to see other people. Or, failing that, fuck.
I have been feeling distinctly lonely lately, with not many people that I can really talk to nowadays, even on the computer. I woke up really early this monday to go to the job centre. It fucked up my sleeping system, as I went to sleep in the afternoon on monday. Since then, I have very bad insomnia lately. I have been going to sleep at times like 5am. I suppose this is to blame for not getting into to doctor's surgery today. Going to the doctor is like seeing a priest. There are so many spiritual and personal issues that one has, as there are medically relevant ones for me. Here are a few:
1. I started purging
2. I have insomnia
3. I have depression that seems to be more difficult and challenging to deal with
4. I injured my knee
5. I have carpal tunnel
6. I need help wih mental health issues, but all I get is a one month wait and an invitation for a telephone assessment that has a three week wait.
And to section me they only needed a day.
Bastards.
In other news. I have started purging again, and I really like it. I like the feeling of purging and how it feels like someone loves me when I do it. It feels like Mia understands me. Mia loves me, Mia knows what I'm going through. Mia won't leave me, Mia is always there, Mia will hold her gentle hand against my forehead while I despair. Mia holds me on her lap as I cry.
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