Monday, November 2, 2009

...as mud

Moving forward is a bit difficult when you choose to struggle with the present.

I have a lot of things to dwell on, lots of things that I can say that upset me and that push me into a depressed state of mind.

What is important, however, is to move forward, move to the future and immerse myself in the future that I am building for myself. I have felt myself reluctant to move with my schedule this week. I attribute this to the task I have set for myself last week, I have been ripping CDs into my Dad's new hard disk drive. It has been a lot of effot and some agitation.  It has been an agitation because my dad was supposed to do this task but seems to make excuses or be terribly defensive if I take up the point that he is not doing it and is wasting time. My dad replies that it is not an important task and there is no rush. My reply is; you could have done it over the past three weeks when I have been reminding you, but you have just lazed about doing things on a whim instead of planning tasks and getting things done systematically and in an ordered fashion. My parents and their flaws are so aggrivating that I feel inclined to just give up complaining and pointing out their flaws, I think that I have already reached that stage. I am powerless financially to criticise them. They say how they paid through my university fees and my living fees and I have no right to criticise them. Not even if the point is valid, they would say.

There is a saying that goes something ilke: take the log out of your own eye before noticing the flaws of others. It is biblical, I suspect. I need to focus on my own flaws, and I have a lot of them; here's a list:

1. I am a giver-upper
2. I didn't fight hard enough for my relationship
3. I am slothful
4. I don't push myself hard enough
5. I am too complacent with this limbo that I am living in.
6. I am not envisaging the future that I want.
7. I am not where I want to be
8. I have disappointed myself
9. I am fat
10. I injured my leg
11. I am not confident and assertive enough
12. i fucked up my masters degree
13. I am 23 and wasting my life
14. I have jealousy and envy and hate, and yet i find it difficult to face myself and improve who I am, find it difficult to make things right.

I will make things right, undo the mistakes that have ruined my past two years. I will move forward and become a new person, I will make it all better and improve this situation. It will all be resolved when i use the strength of my will and demonstrate my strengths and realise that I am in control of my destiny and I can make it all right for myself.

No comments: