Advent calendar at 1 January

It's 1 January 2026.

I am coming back from the train today heartbroken. G says she doesn't want us to be intimate because it will break my heart. She's right. 

I am broken. I'm broken in a way I forgot I could feel. I can't bear this feeling. I revert to my young self. I'm doing IFS at the moment and I am working on my parts. 

I want to write about hoarding. I'm trying to sort stuff out in the calendar and planner right now because I'm super anxious. I notice it's nearly 10pm. I just finished watching worlds strongest man, a new years tradition. As soon as it ends I feel very depressed. I was depressed watching it. I am trying to sort out my life. 

I notice there's an advent calendar. I only went up to day 4. It's the first day of 2026, January 1 and I still have last months' advent calendar only 4 days in. It seems like a small thing but I know this is the kind of thing I want to hold on to because it grasps that the sense of loss and gravity of my isolation and the pain of G's rejection. 

G said it wasn't my fault. Ju said that too, Aster said it too. They always say it wasn't anything to do with me, but its always the same result. I am crying as I am writing this. In the IFS book I'm supposed to lean into these feeling. I wrote Gemma two poems, from two alters. From my feminine self to, my child self. 

I'm heartbroken. I'm heartbroken because I know this impacts her relationship with Jand my relationship with J. I've lost them both. I am typing this, scoffing 20 advent calendar chocolates on 1 January my hands covered in tears. I feel pretty damn low