its 21 July 2025.

I realise that I have different schematisations of hoarding. all my hoarding items are organised in different principles, then i abandon it for a more sophistated one but they are piled digitally and physically on top of each other in something that's clearly a pattern but also clearly chaotically put together.

My revelation is that a lot of the things I'm hoarding are tied to significant dissociative episodes, distress, grief, loss and things I don't feel able to cope with directly. I hoard things as a way of holding on for a time when I'm ready to face it. The earliest unarchived google keep item is from 24 April 2025. That was my correspondence with the conversion therapist. I exactly realise why I have struggled to cope with my hoarding since then. I'm not over what happened. The conversion therapist said some things that if I ever even uttered or took seriously could be the very end of me. The suggestion that I am fundamentally defined by my birth, by my organs, by my disabilities and those set who I am and nothing else, nothing else can be different by the way I was born.

It's also why I run. I have changed my body. I remain with a partially reconstructed arm and significant sight loss. I still have difficulty with speaking and balance. But my appearance my suggest otherwise. I'm the fittest I've ever been in my life. At 39 I am probably the envy of all my future and past selves. Lots of people including myself idealise the early 20s self but I think early 20s me would be massively envious. I am on track to clearing 400 hoarding items. I realised on the way to April 2024 there were other moments. moments of loss, grief, distress, struggles to make decisions which I'm still coping with. I think I have under 4000 items of processing, perhaps even 2000, given that I cleared about 400. Well, that's under the schematisation from April 2024. it's evident there's clusters that have compression documents keeping even more things dating to 2021 but I believe those will be quicker to process with the way I archived it at the time.