https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QjsX0IrUtBw (2004 memory - serge lebon, i'm in halls trying to fit in, its October -november 2004 at and I've just started first year. i find an internet radio station for anime soundtracks and this station has songs that frequently repeat and comforts me. despite the pain I feel some comfort in the familiarity of this painful memory that I keep revisiting

 Definition of success today at work:

Got down from 45 to 35 'unresolved' emails. About 2 weeks ago I was on 130. Steadily doing about 10 a day

Did all my payments

Dealt with a sensitive issue I hope with compassion and I'll do some follow up next week

Sorted August Payroll before month end

All did it while I was technically half day sick

 Every few days I set reminders for myself. One reminder is around memories and eras of my life.

I pause for a bit and I live in my head in specific memories, for a controlled period of time and a controlled era. It is grounding and I believe processes trauma and difficulties I had. I also revisit old demons and problems to...think about my current ones

I'm revisiting 2005-2006; 2006-2007. I see points of time, fixed moments and then it moves to other fixed moments, things move forward and then I do. 

But do I move forward? i feel like I haven't changed much in 5 years. In addition I see everyone moving forward in their lives but not me. I have a different burden. I'm doing very different work. Many people will not know the full extent of what I'm working on. j

I've been writing in this blog since 2007 - 2008 I think. I write iwhout context or explanation. Some things increasingly I cannot talk about in detail but I wonder sometimes I the fabric of me is unravelling and I fundamentally change. I suppose we can't choose that we change. That's mortality. It's also the case we can't choose how certain things affect us, like you know, the looming environmental collapse and economic disaster. 

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences : I went to BBC Prom on Tuesday

B: Build mastery in activities: working on encyclopdia lately

C: Cope ahead: I'm writing plans of tasks to do ahead of time in the diary

P : physical illness prevention. I went to the gym on wednesday and monday. nOt only that but I'm planning minimum 3 sessions a week in my diary

L : low vulnlerability to diseases> i've had bad mentla health lately and this has  been a difficult issue for me

E: Exercise regularly - see above

A : Avoid mood altering drugs: I had junk food 

S: Sleep healthy - I'm doing okay with this

E :Eat healthy : I had popcorn instead of crisps. Does that count?

 Post covid bucket list : items complete:

Watch Brahms concert (not exactly my plan but close enough)

BBC Prom

 21 July - something big happened that I cannot discuss on this blog.

All I'll say is: social battery /embarrassment exhaustion /worn out feelign very exposed

 note that i just got paid so it's not as representative.

I've got 49.4k in assets today right now across my savings portfolio 

 ABC PLease - 18th august

A - Accumulate positive epxeriences: I reported something through the company whistleblower system

B - Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: I lifted 45kg at the gym on Wednesday. I went to the gym on Wednesday despite my horrible mood

C - cope ahead: I'm trying to plan ahead in my paper diary

P - physical illness prevention : didn't have a takeaway in a while - or at least the delivery bike kind

L - low vulnerability to diseases: I don't know how to answer that. I called the GP on Wednesday asking to have a physio appt

E: Exercise regularly - see above. I haven't been cycling much but I did manage to do a few gym + waitrose trips. 

A: Avoid mood altering drugs. Well I smoked some cigars, and by cigars I mean...Rocky Patels

E: Eat healthy - I've lost some weight. I'm 112.6kg .I was 115 a couple weeks ago. I guess that's good? what would be super good is if I either keep at 112 or I go down more.

I've got a new ABC list - some of these are really good. I'll try to do them more. For now I'll end this post.

abc please

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I'm going out this Friday

B: build mastery in activities  that make you feel confident - heavy bag this week

C: Cope ahead - I'm working after midnight to clear NPS

P: Physical illness prevention. I should do better with this

E: Exercise regularly. - Cycling and gym I guess?

A: Avoid mood altering drugs - takeaway? 

S: Sleep healthy : I'm doing well at this

E: Eat healthy. - takeaway?

Saturday 16 July

 Cleaning Portable humidor (smells a bit)

After the cigar and drinking night last night, I barely tidied up my kit so I thought I'd spend Saturday afternoon, a lazy and hot day, on cleaning out and charging up my loadout

setting up banking apps and nutmeg on pixel 6

tally assets (financial schema)> Plan tv the bbc proms

> Plan radio bbc proms

Wednesday 13 July

 i am very overwhelmed today

extreme discomfort during sleep for heatwave 

Tuesday 12 July

 bought more insect repbellent

x ray hospital appt

Feedback from doctors (positive). at hospital: reading D&D book

Social exhaustion

heatwave

pain in arms
Go to boots the chemist (£). buy deoderant - white stain remover.  buy deoderant - long lasting. buy more suncream. buy insect repellant? Sueprdrug (£)

1120kcla

Monday 11 July

I saw a job email for the APPG and I've asked for some more details with the view to applying for it

 obs : conversation going on about trans pride london

therapeutic writing and futureme 

Sunday 10 July

 post bike overstimulation

i feel i am coaasting in life

angry (at myself). watching wimbledon final. feeling v low

Saturday 9 JUly

 cycling home from soho for the first time (using sat nav). I forgot to bring water to pride. saw a flare/gas canister let off

Friday 8 July

 feeling very drowsy and dizzy from the filter coffee

feeling loved

smoked 2 cigars. cycle partly to work

briefing cancelled .> postponed

Wednesday 6 July

 take covid test

(0800) feeling unwell

covid negative (test 2)

confused positive (test 1)

vomited yesterday

too ill to go to the gym yesterday.

today (onsetvation: multiple cabinet ministers resigned between tuesday and wednesday and it seems a febrile news situation)

Tuesday 5 July

 drunk

received flipper zero. attempt to install device

Pride conversation planned on wednesday

received insoles. changed/placed insoles

8 July 1930 table for 4 booked

very low motivation

mum brought kfc (lunch)

Monday 4 July

 set up natwest on app

Check the costs if I in fact bought the quad lock - I've not received the quad lock mount yet. I discovered that I did not infact purchase it a week ago. Very important that I discovered this process was not completed.  I checked my natwest accounts to determine that no quadlock/brompton mount expense took place. IN addition I realised looking at my natwest spending that I'm really spending too much money. Perhaps tis all the phone stuff that tallied up, perhaps its the ubering and the restaurant stuff. I hope that now pride month is over I'm no longer travelling so much.

Note to self: uber's a bit expensive for me now.

did not have a shower yesterday

Sat 2 July

 Went to pride in london

I lose my watch case

Sunday 3 July

 start using new diary today

polishing boots

discovered foil in my boot soles (worn out insoles)

excited about insoles

thinking about bridget's comments defending a transphobe at work

I feel very attached to my batcombe boots

I found an old woolworths shoe polish that has now run out

I was ruminating and thinking a lot while polishing my shoes

Friday 1 July

 walking around London bridge 

today I focussed on difficutl emails and emails I've been avoiding

Thursday 30 June

 heartening conversations 

Networking event at pride month at a news organisation

went to bar in clarkenwell afrer

Uber hom

 A nice memory

I'm thinking of wirting nice memories because things have gotten to black lately. 

One time Rens came back from Canada, him and the badminton boys got together for a curry. they (stupidly) got an exceptionally spicy curry and they spoke the day after about the 'rits' it caused them. 

It was undeniablyl a happy memory. we were all packed in the car like that sticker/emoji thing of the sumos in the car. 

 abc please 

A - accumulate positive experiences: I met wiht a union rep at work trying to build relationships

B - build mastery in activities that make you feel  confident - I worked on my encyclopediea

C - cope ahead: I didn't do this so well and this is a big problem for me

P - physicall illness prevention - i didnt cycle this week i don think i did well on this

L - low vulnerability to disaese - although i didnt cycle muci, i have been outside and in the sun a bit more

 E - exercise regularly, i did one class and that's about it

A - avoid mood altering drugs, i had takeaway on friday and the first uber eats, but i'm still eating junk

S - sleep healthy - probably one thing im doing reasonably well

E - eat healthy - non

 Goals for the future

• Meet J again
• Meet T as its overdue
• Meet Tone in Norfolk
• Meet Antonia?
• Go to a BBC prom

 

Accumulate positive experiencces: I went to a party for play and broke my 2 year sax drought

Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident: let's just say I had some of that

Cope ahead: I'm very weak at this. I have done so much that I have had no time even to react let alone plan

Physical illness prevention: I think my eating has let me down on this

Low vulnerability to disease: My arms have been weak lately

Exercise regularly: I did do a good amount of cycling

Avoid mood altering drugs: I had mcdonalds on saturday

Sleep healthy: I have been sleeping very well

Eeat healthy: see above

 post covid goals achieved

cycling 25 miles in a week

cycling 28 miles in a week

cycling 30 miles in a week