When days pass by things happen. Things happen that I don't choose to disclose or want to talk about. The things I'm reluctant to talk about are how my bike has been away for a few days. It's made me immobile, less able to go outside except for essentials and less outgoing. I had a couple of socials planned but I didn't go. I could have gone to the gym more but...didn't. It's nearly a month and I desperately miss my bike.
Today I woke up at 5-6am. I properly got up maybe 8-9am. I started work around 9. I had a proper and full day of work. It felt purposed filled for a while, but by about 5pm I felt I've done enough and I fell asleep. I woke up maybe 8pm without a sense of purpose and the realisation that so much of the world has moved on without me.
T is doing well. T's got a nice job at a university that's quite unique.
I saw something that prompted me to write. every so often I have flash cards coming up on my google keep. For difficult feelings I have a flash card. THe flash card said on this occasion: avoid avoidance. Avoidance to me feels like this: avoidance is not getting my admin done. Avoidance is not writing about the recent feelings. There are things I could do tonight. I'll maybe clear some tasks for the next 6 hours. Every day I'm hoping to get my bike back.
Three things I'm positive about today
Without my bike
I feel immobile. I feel the issues in my life piling up. I see my weight gain. I realise I'm not living the way I could. I realise my sleep is off. I'm eating junk. I'm underperforming at work. I'm underperforming in life. There's a hole, a God shaped hole maybe? or a bike shaped hole.
T is getting into religion a lot. Like, really a lot. It's ...odd.
I'm coming to the realisation that at 35 I'm possibly over the half way point of life. It's downhill from here. It's slow physical decline. Or rapid physical decline if I'm even less lucky. In my 2020-2021 diary I'm over the half way point. I've just started my 2021-2022 diary though. Begun on 1 July. I'm trying to fill out a day to a page. I have more than enough to fill out 2-3 pages a day, but that is also good because there was a lot from my 2020 where I didn't really fill it in. I think that's more because I had a 2020 diary already at the time and also...anyway I'm meandering.
I haven't been to the gym for a few days. I haven't had my bike back. I'm a bit lost. I'm just trying to hold it together. Can I think of some positives?
Tomorrow (or later today), I'm due to meet HR. Thursday and or Friday there's a work dos which I may attend. If I had my bike. I properly started my day at 1459 yesterday and I've been almost all cylinders firing until 0405. This may be not only the most active I've been but the most consistent. I can't really tell. The past 10 days have been a blur.
I need to do more therapeutic writing. I have so many thoughts and so many things to express and nobody to speak to. I speak to a lot of people at work but its always so formal and direct and specific.
I better go to bed. I have lots of work for Wednesday.
dear diary.
One thing that I find as repeated advice when I look for things that relate to my emotional flash cards and pre-prepared advice is: when experiencing difficult emotions, name it and define it.
It helps me if I have a pen and paper, if I write down the feelings. I have lots of different feelings so I write them down as lists. Often the feelings are clustered together, particularly the bad ones. I don't have too many names for good feelings, I just have 'feeling good'. I need more. I seem to be quite articulate for the bad feelings.
Things aren't going so well in life. I am a bit stressed. There's a discrimination case at work and I really want to sort it. My line management and HR are aware of the situation but they wish to do nothing about it.
