Dear FutureMe,


The past few days have not been my best.

I have been thinking about some things lately.

I have been thinking about Self care. I've been through a lot and I go through a lot. It looks like things will get harder before they get easier at work. When I shine at work, I am dulled in life. This saturday and Sunday I got out of bed late. Although on paper I got all my objectives done, I don't think that I did so efficiently and getting up in the morning was still a problem.

I have been thinking about: What is important to me. I read a book about the bullet journal method and one of the founding precepts is that at any given time, one should ask if what one is doing at any given time, fits into the wider view of one's values and one's plan for life. In short, we need to be deliberate about the things that we do.

I have been thinking about The future. Honestly I don't know what lies ahead. I wish I were earning more. I want to move out. My earnings have been better than before but I still wish I could do better.

I've developed Lampe to be better increasingly, but I find that I shouldn't overload it. There's a physical limit to my actions. There's a physical limit to my time. I am coming to terms with my finitude as my 32nd year comes to an end. I realise I'm not young anymore.

It means I need to value what I have, and what is to come.

Thanks for reading this.

w20 (last week)

last week (I didn't get all the numbers done for these).

I had a cigar day. I've had a few too many cigar days this month

My plasticity is high. I did go to a concert. I've been on 2 dates. I've saved about £750. I properly cook once a week. My distraction is a bit higher than usual

Last week I broke my weighted vest. I hit 4000kcal. I hit 18 total fitness activities (including modifiers)

I haven't read as many audiobooks. I haven't read as much. 

On this Day of previous years (w20)

2010 - Brother's friend Elv's dad's funeral

2012 - Stag do for Elv [he married my cousin] (they now have 2 little ones)

2013 - My mate (who turned 30 in 2015) gave me his VGA - I'm definitely not using it

2014 - Saw godzilla film,

2015 - My mate's 30th birthday, mum and dad are in mexico/guatamala. I set up a betting matrix document 

2016 - Gym instructor A's last class before her surgery (she's back and in good form)//Lolo C died (my mum's aunt)

2018 - I saw deadpool 2 after taking a half day at work

2019 - I broke my weighted vest. Had a hotdesker, probably the 4th person to cover me. He wasn't very good

Things I'm positive about:

• Seeing prices of studio flats not going up too much 
• I have some upcoming social meet upts this week
• I've booked a ticket to comicon
• I'm catching up on things today doing what is needed
• I woke up early after not getting up in the best way, to end up doing fairly well in the gym.
• I did an LBT class and then a gym session, I then topped it off by walking about 2.5 miles 
• I did some cooking this afternoon

Dear Diary,

I think that I found empathy difficult lately.

There were these girls at the gym class. They had just finished exams. I was trying to remember how it felt when I finished exams, to envisage how they felt. Cognitively speaking, I knew it would feel good, a sense of relief and a sense of freedom for them. Perhaps even looking forward to a summer of fun.

But I couldn't emphasise it.

Then the class ended and I felt my sense of exhaustion and relief. I was working out and pushing myself fairly hard today. I then realised a sense of relief.

This week my boss has gone off to get married. Boss man had a really busy week, not least for me busting his balls. We had a lot going on. Things were so tough that people from management and other sections of the paper were made aware of how hard we fucking worked and how well our section of the newspaper is working for the company's objectives.

I told my colleagues that I am over worked and a result of this is that I am actually behind on crucial parts of my role.

The commercial departments were forced to pay for some casual admin help (the kind that I used to be) to help me catch up on work.

When I have gotten home this week from work, I had barely paid attention to the computer, to TV, to the internet. Except for watching Game of Thrones I have paid attention to nothing else.

I'm thinking about planning for social events in the future.

My boy, my best bud, the guy from Bristol days. He's back in the city and we have these ideas about being one again.

Last week in previous years

Didn't get a chance to reflect on this:

2012 - I saw Micky Flanagan in a Work in Progress gig


2015 - My instructor who first introduced me to classes left ; Saw Age of Ulton

2016 - My first polo shirt. As it happens I'm wearing a Black Uniqlo polo shirt now (not the same one as it is not so faded). It really is a sign of maturity; My last shift at the syndication service (sad), on the same day [the only man] at editorial management offered me a fixed term contract (I've since been promoted and my pay gone up by 9k since that point); My first day wearing converse shoes, The shoes broke pretty quickly.

2017 - My bosses won a major industry award for a major journalism project they worked on.

2018 - Desk move at work (I've since moved again) ; I gave a careers talk at my old university (then I had the sexes with the exes) . I had a lot of reminising and a very literal walk through memory lane. After Walking for about 90 minutes I then felt I've had enough of thinking about the past and just want to move forward and move onwards. I had a realisation at that point that my life which hitherto was often defined by looking backwards, was changing (not fully changed) into looking forward and into the unknown.

2019 - My bosses confirmed that I did have a pay rise and a job promotion. They told me I have been excellent in my role and service to the newspaper. I never thought I'd be in this place. I'm happy. I've also not told too many people. That same day when I had that chat with my bosses, I saw Avengers Endgame. I saw it again later that week

Dear Diary

I felt really rough on Thursday. Actually I've felt rough all week.

I have spent time away from the computer when I got home and just spend the time listening to the radio or watching actual TV (not netflix, not iplayer, not tv shows from the US that aren't out yet), actual TV, well, TIVO.

About 8-9 years ago I really got into watching Deep Space 9. It seems like that cycle has come by to me right now. I bloody love that show!

In my first official week knowing that I've been promoted. I've really been taking to the new role like a duck to water. Getting a promotion and a pay rise basically means I've become someone's bitch and I act like an editor without any of the glory and any of the kudos. Well, a nice lady in her 40s always cheers me on.

I have been giving one of my bosses a lot of shit lately. He's got to make a whole lot of decisions and he's not really around right now. In addition. He's about to get married soon.

Next week one of my colleagues is going to leave. She was working as a casual. I will miss the picture editor. I always felt a connection to her. I dont know how I'll act on her last day. She's mentioned how she won't know how to behave on the last day.