I haven't even mentioned that article 50 is going to be formally advanced tomorrow. I work in a news organisation and people are bleeding out of their liberal hearts.

I've got my own problems so I keep my distance.

dear diary,

panic attacks have reached levels I've never dealt with in my life.

This is a real struggle.

Sometimes people ask my why I do so much work at the gym.

A couple of days ago, I was sitting on my bed, struggling to get up. Struggling to find a reason to keep going.

That's why I spend all that time at the gym and pushing myself to extremes. It feels like a dress rehearsal for my greatest demons.

Enough self aggrandisation: I have to sleep early and work tomorrow.

there was a terrorist attack yesterday.

It happened when I was at work.

I am having my own problems right now.

It intensified my darkness. I chose to go home early as I felt very low.

I still feel very unwell.

Dear Diary,

I feel like I have an addict's mentality.

I'm addicted to things that are not good for me in the quantities. Always trying to organise my life, porn, gym, always aiming for things that I get distracted from reasonably achieving. I'm too obsessive sometimes.

What I need, what I desperately need is a sense of serenity and silence.

No audiobooks, no podcasts, no music in the background, no news feeds, no  TV, No other RSS feeds, no social media, no messaging.

Just keeping it simple, for short periods of time, for periods of clarity to keep my mind clear, to keep my mind focussed.

And then, eventually, going back to the world of news TV, RSS feeds, constant spotify, audiobooks, podcasts, social media...in a controlled way.