Dying alone

Hope is a weird thing. Being positive is a motivating constitutent of action; yet is hope really something that can be fulfilled?

It seems, that when we hope for something, we believe that a state of affairs will obtain; this may include:

• Finding love
• Finding good health (for yourself or another)
• Finding an answer to a deliberative issue
• Finding meaning (same as above really, just restated in verstehende terms)

To hope is to believe our calamity has a point where it will be resolved. The hope for the Christian is that Jesus' act of salvation means their suffering being resolved, their dream of the afterlife will all have culmination.

I wonder what hope I have; I wonder where my future lies. Will my desires ever be obtained? I feel not; my desire to find love, my desire to find a future I can feel comfortable with? I feel a bit of a tendency to limit what I desire, or, have it not so important to me that I ever find the object of my desire. Is this even possible? Let me give piecemeal examples, perhaps.

• We can curb desires and change our habits, like overeating, or even for contrast, undereating
• We can curb addictions, albeit very difficultly
• Many people who lose the thing that they use to define themselves, sometimes (albeit difficultly) come to terms with that loss and reform their preferences and goals

Its okay to change your mind, that seems to be true in almost all cases; so long as it is on reasonable grounds.

What do I hope for? If I ask myself that right now, as I sit here in the univeristy late in the day, tired, uncomfortable, my wrists strained from typing all day, my eyes in pain, my mood, somewhat subdued, defeated, and a little residual distress from my earlier events, I answer this:

• I wish Marie would talk to me more &
• I wish I could see Marie more, even if just as a friend &
• I wish I had someone to cuddle *
• I wish I had something nice to eat
• I wish I had more confidence
• I wish I had a more attractive body
• I wish I had more stamina
• I wish I read more
• I wish I could be good enough to do a PhD
• I wish I could be an academic

Things put with [&] I do not actively seek because I don't want to pressure Marie, she is a person with intentions and desires and a will, and if my desires involve her she must be consenting to them.

Things marked with [*] I try not to seek as a matter of character. I'd feel almost insincere if I went out one day, or one night, as many to, to find someone with whom I could be close to. I don't say to myself, 'perhaps tomorrow is the day I find her'. Well, in principle I think that!

The other ones, I think I am working towards; I control my eating (sometime by purging), I do occaisional physical training, I read a lot towards my Masters. I try to push myself a bit more in social situations, take risks that in the past I wouldn't have and regretted long afterwards, like saying 'hello' to a girl, or an unknown person (gender nonspecific).

As I lose weight, my body becomes more attractive, I like seeing my skeletal features, and feeling bony parts of me. I still have a long way to go to have that body I so desire, I also have been using quite a few cosmetic products: facials, post-shave cream, anti-wrinkle cream, and the like. I think I feel comfortable in the style of clothes I wear.

I should try to be optimistic because: my body is looking better, I am making motions towards the dream of being an academic, and my confidence on occaision is better

I am as a matter of fact, feeling low, or even just numb: because Marie isn't talking that much to me, I get the distinct impression that she is ignoring me or purposely not talking to me that much; furthermore, I feel like I'm not good enough for her, and reminded, nay, brought to realisation of the reality that I will die alone, and I will always be alone. What I want most sometimes is just a cuddle, just someone to care about me and someone to think about me when I am too weak or too distressed to think about me, someone to remind me that I am still human, and that I still exist, and that I am a certain kind of person, even when I do not feel that way. Someone to touch me when I feel such despair; that I remember, that I am part of a world with other people, and I don't have to be alone. What I want most is not some noble intellectual ideal; what I want is just someone to love me (in the non romantic, but simply human sense, like how a mother loves a child).

As a corollorary point, I kind of feel sympathetic to that Fruedian notion of the oedipus complex for the said reason; not because I want to do anything sexual with my mother! But I miss that amount of love and affection she used to give me and make me feel. I miss that love I used to have; I guess I feel sometimes that I want just to be back in the womb; or how I imagine the womb, as being in a big warm vat of liquid in perfect comfort and being sustained completely by another, who loves me greatly. I admire mothers, they love their child so much, and pregnant women look HOT.

I'd so much preferr affection than any meaningless physical interaction. I guess, in answer to a comment made on a previous point, that is my fear about sexuality. I'm not really sure how I should express it! (well, there is wanking of course, but I don't need to say anything about that!; nor does it seem important to sexual identity...maybe I'll write a post on wanking in the future...). Damn, and I tried to end this post sounding serious. Its important to have a laugh once in a while. Especially with a life like mine.

Striving,

Conatus

Confidence

I heard from an old friend from facebook the other day; he's 17/18 now (I'm an old 21). This dude was a little tyke when I was a senior prefect in college; I was part of a group that used to be respected in the music department. This guy (lets call him Shane) was a legend; he was far better than all of us, and I thought to myself; imagine how this guy will bloom in his last year at College...now he's in that stage. I'm so proud of him. He is continuing the music life that I abandoned.

On friday, he had his last St. Cecilia's concert. I remember my St. Cecilia's concerts. I lacked confidence; and there was a point towards the end of my music life when I gained confidence at performing; but I didn't have confidence with girls!

Recently, I have been a little bit more confident; I am doing things that I thought were impossible for a guy like me. I get text messages from girls, talk to girls, I went on a couple of dates, and I even am helpful and supportive to people. I feel a real sense of connection with people, or at least sometimes, before my depression eats me up.

I think I am able to be myself a little more; I'm a little shy, but I don't want to be too imposing or forward with the opposite sex; be polite, listen to them, and be friendly. I really don't like flirting. I should avoid it entirely! Men are just women with penises who can't have babies (they do have boobs like women...).

I hope my confidence grows; but I think I will remain alone in life. What I want most these days is a big cuddle with someone, where I fall asleep in their arms, and feel comfort in their touch. My sexual desire has gone down a bit with my medication, and after reading so much. I am kind of scared of sexuality. I think its better I stay a virgin and never be in a relationship. I guess I'm the kind of loser guy who can't find a girl, anyway.

In other news; I am starting to work hard at my graduate degree, and I am starting to like my changing body.

Yours,
Conatus

Triggers

A trigger is something that reminds you of a painful or difficult experience. Sometimes when people talk about mental illness, it is a trigger for those who have come across it in the past. If, for example, you had a loved one named Caroline who recently died; and you met a lady named Caroline, you shall associate her (or her name) with your loved one; and feel sorrow; and that is how a trigger operates.

I have had triggers since my incarceration. Things reminding me of the hospital; or things leading up to it. More often, triggers come to me in normal social contact with people; sometimes I pause, or some tears suddenly well within me. I don't know how to expose all the triggers. Let me list some of them:

i. People who look like my incarcerators
ii. Mentioning people who go to hospital
iii. Mentioning mental illness
iv. Low quality food
v. Certain phrases (such as 'I'm on your side')
vi. Certain smells
vii. Certain facial characteristics
viii. Certain names

A precis of my recent week

1. I got humiliated in a debate
2. My friends remind me of 1.
3. I spent the evening chatting to a lovely girl in the pub; it was a discussion group but only the two of us turned up!
4. I chatted to Marie a few times; and she told me that she also purges; she feels despair a great deal, and I told her that I think she is beautiful, I care about her, and chatting to her makes me feel better and it means a lot to me.
5. Marie talks differently in public than on MSN; she has difficulties expressing herself interpersonally and is afraid to be open.
6. I hear Claire has found another guy, good for her :)
7. I am taking a massage class, and today I did a charity event and massaged 3 people; two guys and a girl. I undid her bra strap to give her a back massage. I have never touched a girl's back before, hell, I've never touched a girl before! I loved feeling how certain parts of her body were cold, and others were warm, I loved the softness of her flesh, and the bony and hard parts, the body is a whole mix of textures, a planet of pleasure. Massaging the guys was fun too. I loved feeling their taut muscles, and making jokes with them. I use a different voice when I massage; gentle, soft, and higher pitched; friendly, comforting, safe. Massaging people (especially girls) makes me feel more confident as a person, it is not just the touching physically, but the talking; asking them how they find the pressure, putting my hands on them to express assurance, and the communication is what really helps me feel confident.
8. I gained 6lbs, then I lost 7lbs. I find that I lose weight quickly by purging, but slowly gain if I eat. Ideally I shouldn't purge, but I am trying to find the equal balance of fitness and eating; I am starting to feel sexy, I'm starting to feel like I am a sexual, male, adult being. I like it; I'm scared, but I like this new image of myself, instead of a puddle of nothing that hates himself.
9. It has been 1 week since the event-of-which-I-cannot-speak

In summary:

• I am getting closer to Marie
• I spent this evening talking to a girl about the emotions and just being myself, and non-flirty and non-hitting-on-her-ish. Just talking. I loved it!
• I massaged a sexy girl in the back and undid her bra. I was so nervous, but I love touching the female body; it is divine!

Telephone etiquette (going badly) and mental illness stigma

Ever since the event of last year; I find it so distressing to be in a phonecall that I just end it. I suppose it does seem very rude, or angry. I normally wouldn't have been able to do it, but I have lost something in me that were to normally hold me back.

I've been hung up on, and sometimes it really hurt, lets give instances:

1. My university's nightline hung up on me 5 times: they have this phrase "I'm sorry but Nightline does not think we can help you so we are terminating the call", then they hang up.
2. Samaritans says similar, or, they ask you to speak up, or very odd condescending questions like "I have to have my coffee break can I pass you on to my colleague?"; they also put the phone down after 45 minutes
3. "You are a repeat caller and we are terminating this call" - A local Mind helpline

It hurts so much. I find it so hard to trust anyone, even my close friends. It hurts so much, I'm so alone. I'm glad I have this blog to express myself, albeit through a fake name. I have been so embarrassed to tell anyone about these phonecalls and the way they treated me, because these organisations are there to help people like me; I don't want to take them down or criticise them for their intention to help, but they hurt me bad and treated me in a stigmatising and inhumane way.

Conatus

Impotent

Impotent is the word of the day. I am unable to help her. She was feeling despair today, she went offline, so I phoned her, she wouldn't answer, and gave me a text saying she will be okay tomorrow.

I need to help her. I need her to be okay. I told her:

1. I will do anything to help her
2. I am always here
3. I am worried about her
4. I think she is amazing
5. I think she is strong
6. I can help her

I want her to be alright, that is more important than my own infatuation with her. Duty before passion.

Conatus

My second ever date!

I went on my second ever date today with 'Claire'. She kissed me on the cheek when we met up, then we went to a museum, and a cafe inside said museum. She was insistent that she would buy my drink. I had a peppermint tea and water, she had a really bitter lemonade, she asked me to try it, so I did, it was indeed bitter.

We talked about our family, our lives, our past, embarrassing thigns about ourselves, and sentimental objects we have. We talked until they said the cafe was closing. When we left all the lights were put off in the museum! I then walked her home.

Why don't I feel great that I have had another date? Because of Marie. I think Marie is amazing. I told a friend about how I feel about her, and he said 'she will be good for practice'. What a fucking bastard. My friend is a cunt.

On the other front. I think I lost some friends; I also have been very aggressive, and I am apparently very different in behaviour around people. For the worse. I guess I am a jerk, and I'm getting the girl attention too. I am the very thing I hate.