its 21 July 2025.

I realise that I have different schematisations of hoarding. all my hoarding items are organised in different principles, then i abandon it for a more sophistated one but they are piled digitally and physically on top of each other in something that's clearly a pattern but also clearly chaotically put together.

My revelation is that a lot of the things I'm hoarding are tied to significant dissociative episodes, distress, grief, loss and things I don't feel able to cope with directly. I hoard things as a way of holding on for a time when I'm ready to face it. The earliest unarchived google keep item is from 24 April 2025. That was my correspondence with the conversion therapist. I exactly realise why I have struggled to cope with my hoarding since then. I'm not over what happened. The conversion therapist said some things that if I ever even uttered or took seriously could be the very end of me. The suggestion that I am fundamentally defined by my birth, by my organs, by my disabilities and those set who I am and nothing else, nothing else can be different by the way I was born.

It's also why I run. I have changed my body. I remain with a partially reconstructed arm and significant sight loss. I still have difficulty with speaking and balance. But my appearance my suggest otherwise. I'm the fittest I've ever been in my life. At 39 I am probably the envy of all my future and past selves. Lots of people including myself idealise the early 20s self but I think early 20s me would be massively envious. I am on track to clearing 400 hoarding items. I realised on the way to April 2024 there were other moments. moments of loss, grief, distress, struggles to make decisions which I'm still coping with. I think I have under 4000 items of processing, perhaps even 2000, given that I cleared about 400. Well, that's under the schematisation from April 2024. it's evident there's clusters that have compression documents keeping even more things dating to 2021 but I believe those will be quicker to process with the way I archived it at the time.

 It's taking me a while to get around to it but I'm putting my 'on this day' anniversaries for May- present day, which is up to 6 July (I'm writing on 7th July).

Quite a few things happening in May and June. Pride month I have told many different storeis about how Pride month is for 2025. I saw a couple of gigs. I might have even socialised a bit. I think a lot happened in short spaces of time that I wasn't prepared fully to deal with physically or recover from. Every day running on next is just barely catching my breath from the last day. Catching my breath. That's a nice metaphor, visual or something metaphor to describe exhaustion, so exhausted that I am struggling to deal with the current breath while recovering from the next. It's more than a metaphor, I run 2.5 hours a day. I have moved my baseline a bit. I stick to 2500 a week, which I do on the first day. KCal that is. I aim for 300 points a day. Which I mostly do. Some days like office days I don't achieve this. Other days I exceed it. One thing that helps as a heuristic is if I say 300, I mean hitting 300 heart points in the treadmills, so there's other activity like cycling home and home prep and chores which rally up additional heart poitns, that's a bonus. 

I couldn't make the baptism today. My best friend's son. He's named after Richard by his middle name. Our friend Richard visits Tony more. It's right that he's named after him. Not least because M didn't make it to visit. I have been having a fever since Thursday. I'm run down...again these bloody running metaphors. I was so overwhelmed on Friday that I decided I couldn't do gym on Saturday. I say 'decided'. I was too tired. I really couldn't get out of bed.