my hopes for the future

My hopes are: spend more time with romantic stuff, finish my logging, increase my savings, be independent, be healthy, be happy with myself, have a life of my own.

 In the past year I've set up google keep memory cards to remind me of songs from specific years and each one gives a meaning to me or reminds me of a memory. 

I'm listening to 'enjoy the silence'. I remember this song, it was 2007. I was out of hospital for a few montsh and tried to give the doctors and counselling a go. I was doing my finals (early 2007) and I ended up with a 2:i. I spent a long few nights working on my uni work. Between being hospitalised and doing my finals I surely changed.

Later in 2007 after the summer I changed again some more. This isn't really crystallised in a song when I listen to it as a memory. When I listen to a song I think of a fixed immortal moment in time. That's not how time works though. Time is ever fleeting, just as the song fades out, one phase of life transitions into another. Just as it did then it will now.

 My hopes for the future

I want to cuddle again and be close to someone. I want to feel vulnerable and protected by someone, instead of constantly guarded and alone

I want to beat 30% bodyfat and get to 29% and hold it consistently, maybe even get to 28%

I want to hit it hard on Monday, Tuesday and Friday for the gym classes, but if and when I do, I want to integrate waitrose visit as well and I want to ensure when I get home I have enough energy to do my chores and not just faint straight to bed.

I have to get my work done and not get fired

Perhaps for the nextt week I might try for more of the following habits:

1. Plan meals in advance
2. Get fresh air every day
3. Keep a journal of your thoughts
4. Start a savings goal
5. Practice gratitude (this will be hard)

ABC please (13/11/2022)

 A: Accumulate positive experiences - I have deliberately been outside and cycling when I didn't need to or when I thought to myself I don't need to get extra supplies. I realise that its important for my emotional wellbeing to be outside more when it gets dark so early

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - It's been some time since I've properly written in this diary. I have been doing a lot of treadmill lately. I've even gone as far as doing treadmill before AND after I do a gym class. This takes a lot of effort mentally (why i'm not at my desk to do therapeutic writing as much) but it has really improved my cardio fitness. I'm quite fitter, objectively speaking.

C: Cope ahead - I'm working on writing up timestamps for my activity for days ahead, especially gym days and when I finish work. This helps me and it also makes me realise when I wont be at the computer much doing my important admin work

P: Physical illness prevention - I'm eating more veg, see comment above about treadmill

L: Low vulnerability to diseases - except for my overeating today, 6/7 of my days this week involved a caloric deficit so large that today's eating is relatively neglegible - I am thinking about specific and concrete weight targets based on BMI and healthy weight

E: Exercise regularly, except for feeling powerless for not going gym today (I did cycle 5 miles though, and rationally I need to recover), I think its fair to say I'm exercising regularly and I am making it so that my intention to continue this trend into next week

S: Sleep healthy: I think I'm doing okay with this, even though I have trouble sleeping at night I don't distract myself on the computer. This might change tonight

E: Eat Healthy: ummm...I'm eating more veg. I'm still eating takeaway. Is it healthy? I don't know. I tell you what, Idon't feel I can eat more veggies than I am right now. Or else I'll lose my sanity. 

Saturday 13 August

 Anna from work invited me to her birthday - i guess we are friends

Yesterday I smoked 2 4 cigars

buy bin freshener

buy fridge freshener

Chores: bike (6)

cigar hangover

It seems while I was working on my bike I had a lot of ideas and I wrote them as to dos for later on: 

(3) used stickers on new cigar box to hide from the health warning

yesteray: on this day - bought 300£ of cigars , brazilian puros

as part of my desk clear out i went through my essential oils on the bedstand

'(£) renewed Metal Hammer subscription for another 13 issues (a year )

yesterday: distress (I lost my tetradrachm)

Finished doctor strange documentary

1 September 2022

 dad went to dentist doay and got a tooth removed

phone task: update natwest with bonus/loyalty cards

phone tsak: update google wallet with bank card

completed gibbon reading task (learn: 1)

Tuesday 23 August

 feeling unsafe

despair

feeling isolated

feeling vulnerable

(£) Booked ticket to BBC prom

watched brahms, webern

uber home

Friday 19 August

 Bought AA Williams tickets

(HR) upsetting but supportive email

screaming in bike mezzanine

desk from 1130

angry

disappointment

diffiuclites with vision

Fri 12 Aug

 cigar hangover

exh after getting home

pirates (£)

social eating

yesterday off sick

upset after meeting with HR

triggered after meeting with HR

rumination after meeting with HR

new HR manager tells me that an incident in december 2019 was reported and asked for details