its just past midnight on sunday night/monday morning.

I thought it might be poignant to talk about the 'on this day' markers of previous years:

• 2017 (this year) Theresa May called for Snap election
• 2010 - my brother's band had an album release - he now is a music therapist 
• 2013 - I was working in events - at Margaret Thatcher's funeral
• 2014 - I was working at the Sentinel on Sunday, and I was invited to write some copy that ended up on the paper
• 2015 - my gym instructor who ended up in a few porn films, did his last class (he emigrated)
• 2016 - I bought my first polo shirts from Uniqlo. It felt like a big gesture of me growing up. Those very same polo shirts form my clothing staple at work

I think these events sum up the kind of person I am. 

things aren't so great for me at the moment.

Mentally my mind has gone to places I can't come back from.

If I come back, or get better. It won't be the same.

I've been thinking about CBT and the whole chain of thought thing.

An event creates a thought in my mind, the thought creates a feeling. The feeling has an effect on me, which may impact on my future behaviour (call that, the next event or event+1)

The event upset me, made me angry, made me feel threatened. Those are feelings so I'm skipping a step. The thought was that I was threatened or perceived that I was threatened. I can question that. The feelings are that I felt sad, angry, annoyed. If I change the interpretation (thought) of the event, I might be able to trickle in a reinterpretation of the feelings I have.

Then there's the link between my feelings and the effect it will have on my mood, my outlook, my motivation and that in turn affects my behaviour.

Something upset me and its made me feel like I don't want to go outside.

I'm trying to challenge my thoughts, feelings and its effect/affect on me so I can combat the motivation loss, and most of all combat my sense of loss and despair. In order to feel right enough to go outside again.

I feel like my end is very near.

My mind is tearing apart.