Housing woes

1. I can't find a place to live for monday.
2. I have been constantly rejected for accomodation.
3. I was ditched by someone to be in their party so they could find a place on their own.
4. I don't want to be homeless for monday.
5. I feel I am on my own struggling to do this.
6. I feel no one will help me in the way that I need.
7. Time is running out.
8. My anxiety is getting really bad; I've been going through nearly a bottle of rescue remedy.

I've been praying; but I accept Jesus might not help me. I'm not sure what to feel about that.

Anxiety

I've started to purge after every meal. I feel an immense amount of anxiety in the leadup to the start of my Masters degree. In a way; I have no expectations for the future, but in other ways; I seem hopeful for the future. Lets distinguish two strains of thinking on the issue:

Positives

1. I have gotten into a Masters programme at a fairly decent university
2. I am closer to my teenage dream of getting a PhD
3. I am losing weight
4. I have a chance to start anew as a postgraduate
5. I have a chance to start my life again

Negatives

1. I have the stigma of being ugly
2. I have the stigma of having few friends
3. I have the stigma of being mentally ill
4. I have the stigma of being disabled
5. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; fun undergraduate life
6. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; sex
7. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; romantic relationships (emotional)
8. I have the stigma of lack of life experience; romantic relationships (physical)
9. I have the stigma of being overweight
10. I have problems with anxiety which do not make me fit in
11. I have no confidence
12. I'm scared (I want a cuddle)

A beautiful body

If you want it bad enough, you can get it. 16 days ago, I decided, I want it! I want it badly. I will do anything to get it, and I believe it can happen, I can have it. I now have hope, and I don't want you to take that from me. Taking hope from a person is like removing truth from mathematics.

What is this thing I want? Beauty. I want a better body. I hate my current body. I hate it with a passion. It is as if I take all the thing that are bad about my life and take it unto one thing, that all my anger and fears and objects of anxiety conflate to one (false) idol, one object. My body.

I know its not the answer to all the problems, I need more confidence, I need to be more assertive and studious. But a better body is one thing I can do while I build on all those other things. If I have a better body then maybe a girl will like me and I will feel good about myself, and not feel stigmatised for my involuntary celebacy. I won't be a loser anymore. I still have a lot of work to do...

Today I purged:

1. Roast chicken
2. Gravy
3. Cola
4. Potatoes
5. Apple bramble
6. mixed vegetables
7. Croissant

I'm a calorie whore, and now I want to be calorie celebate. I purge for the dream of a better body. I feel that in purging, that I express in one action, the hatred I have for myself, the self-contempt for my failings, my weakness, my inadequacy.

A typical day in hell

They say that Hell is the place where Jesus' salvation is rejected. Hell is the rejection of God. Hell is certainly a privation, a rejection. Today I went out with friends to a film. It was a teen movie about guys who were inept with women, like I used to be as a teen. Except, in true hollywood fashion; they live happily ever after and the guy gets the girl.

My life? There is no happily ever after. Yes, maybe I am closer to the one thing that is important to me; my career as an academic philosopher; but I'm still a pathetic loser, I don't have the girl, I don't have closer with my past, I don't have some resolution with my friends and family, and I don't have a smile on my face or even a hope for the future.

What do I have? Purging, a qualification that can only get me one job, memories of being great. Today I hardly ate ANYTHING at all. I ate a couple of bananas, some water, a cider, then purged, and then a chicken fillet. I hope I lose weight soon. I have been graduating from XL shirts to L. I'm kind of glad I am eating myself away.

Yours, a Fat 36' waist, 226lb bastard.

Introduction

Contatus means striving. Spinoza believed that all things have a 'conatus', or a striving to be. This striving characterises human existence and that of the rest of the natural world. This blog is about my striving. My struggle.

This is my life. Anonymous. Candid. Naked. Honest but not necessarily clear. This is my striving.

Striving for what? you may ask. I can ask you the same thing. What do YOU strive for? What would you answer? My answer? I don't know what I strive for. Perhaps understanding, perhaps comfort from pain, perhaps love, perhaps lust, perhaps my own end. Time shall make it clear as I record my failures and occaisional triumphs, for I am, he, the one who strives.