ABC Please

24/04/2024 (0744  i've been up since yesterday)

A: Accumulate positive experiences: Yesterday I had a good chat with my neighbur and best friend Mu, asked about his boys, his wife. 

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless: Running has been good lately

C: Cope ahead: I think I'm doing actually good at this one, in spite of fatigue I've been able to organise through my paper diary

P: Physical illness prevention: This is a loaded question given I've been up all night, my bodyfat is the lowest its ever been

L  Low vulnerability to diseases: does gender dysphoria count?

E: Exercise regularly: I think I'm doing okay with this, rest days make me anxious

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: Pizza, but I'm okay with it

S: Sleep healthy, except for this insomnia ll nighter, yes its been good

E: Eat heathy? My bodyfat the last time I checked was 24.8% the lowest I've had it. That's literally after I ate a 15 inch pizza

 Things I did today (Saturday 20 April)

I hit the middle of the 25% zone after oing up to 27% during a panic attack. I'm recovering a bit from the panic attack. I didn't go to the gym today. I decided to sleep in instead of going to the step class and doing early treadmill running. I decided to go to waitrose, then go about 3 miles in another direction to get to Uniqlo. I was meaning to get some more M sized tank tops and I got some M sized pants. I have been recommended to get smaller pants because it helps with my testicle problem. It is seen as a means to help my gender expression to have smaller pants - so that my balls are held up a bit more. 

I also bought some lamb ribs. I am preoccupied with Pizza this week. decided instead to get some lamb ribs tonight. I bought 18 lamb ribs and I only ate about 4 so far. I have put them in my oven to eat for later. I'm thinking about having more meaty/proteiny fast food. I have some boiled broccoli pre-cooked to have with the ribs when I eat it later.  I've lost some weight lately and I realise there's a challenge to keep my weight and bodyfat down. I have set a really high pace of activity and it's my realisation that to keep that body i Have to keep my activity level up.

 Goals achieved

keep 31.5% and under for 2 weeks (03/09/2023 target)

keep under 31.5% for 3 weeks (25/09/2023)

Hold 30% or below for 2 weeks (02/04/2023 target)

Get to 29.9% (25/02/2024)

Get to 28.1% (03/03/2024)

Hold 28% for a week

get to 106kg (15/10/2023)

get to 100kg (26/10/2022 traget)

 ABC Please

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I went to see Tans in Oxford, I went to at least two gigs since my last ABC,

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel positive: I did climbing a couple of times, new to me, bloody hard, also keeping up with the running

C: Cope ahead: I'm working on this today to get things written up in my diary as future events

P: Physical illness prevention: This is hard to answer when I have a penic attack

L: low vulnerabbility ot diseases: again see above

E: Exercise regularly: Yes. I think this week I'll probably need to take it slow

A: AVoid mood altering drugs: that reminds me I have a biryani downstairs

S: Sleep healthy - Trying my best

E: Eat healthy: My bodyfat went up 0.1% in the past day. I dont think that's good, but its not the worst thing. 

 GOals achieved:

bodyfat down to 28% (05/11/2022 goal)

Bodyfat down to 27% (06/11/2022)

Bodyfat : 27% (22/03/2024)

Saturday 23rd

 2024

On this day: 2024: climbing for the first time, went with Mu and Chris with E, Jean. My bodyfat is just around 27.0 (26.8% on 24th the day after), I was terrible at climbing compared to Mun and Chris and Ethan but I had so much fun and I felt affirmed. Before then I was playing piano. I went to the gym but I forgot my keys so I didn't get any running done. I ended the day not quite at 200 points, 184 which I'm happy with.

0811

24/03/2024

 Tucking. Lately I've been tucking. I've not 'lately' been doing it. I've been doing it since my balls dropped over 25 years ago. I never knew it was a gender thing until recently and now I do it's changed a lot of things for me. I guess that's kind of a big part of realising I'm nonbinary.

I should say for confirmation I still use he him pronouns and I'll refer to myself as a man. But ...I have to make space for something different inside me after this revelation. In recent weeks I've bought tucking tape and medical tape that I try to do the process myself. This week I tried the latter and the tape was really sticky and painful to remove. 

What is tucking? for it me it means I need my balls in a lifted position (the one it was in before it dropped when I was 12-13 or so) because it feels more right to me. How can I explain that it feels right to me? Well after tucking I feel capable of doing 1300kcal+ workouts and still wanting to do more. I feel more myself than I ever have...in some ways. It does mean I'm dependent on wearing a pair of shorts all the time or else I don't feel that assurance or sense of self. I've become hooked on the increased abilities it gives me. It feels positive. I know some people will judge. 

 Achilles Schema goals achieved:

Get to 31.5% bodyfat (24/09/2023)

Get to 31.4% bodyfat (11/12/2023)

get t 31.3% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.2% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)

get to 31.1% bodyfat (11/12/2023)

Get to 31% bodyfat (24/09/2023)

get to 30.9% bodoyfat (11/12/2023)Get to 30.8% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

Get to 30.7% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

get to 30.6% bodyfat (02/01/2024)

... IT GOES ON

Weight,: 102kg (set 02/12/2022)

Body fat: 28%

get to 105.5kg (21/01/2024)

get to 98 kg

 3 things I'm positive about this week:

• I've been sleeping better
• I've had positive pro social relationships lately
• I've lost more weight and not too quickly
• More importantly my bodyfat's gone down
• I have a fighting chance to do my projects

 ABC Please: 09 March 

A: Accumulate positive experiences: I met with J this week spontaneously

B: Build mastery in activities that make you feel confident and not helpless - I started playing piano again

C: Cope ahead: This is an area I am working on constantly but I think I'm better this week than I was last week

P: Physical illness prevention: I've had really low energy and ...possibly 'mia' has come back

L : Low vulnerability to diseases: I've been running myself down a lot

E: Exercise regularly: now here's something weird: I'm working out less this week, but my bodyfat is the lowest it's ever been and I'm possibly the fittest I've ever been in other ways. I've reached a new level in my physicality (just hit under 100kg), and I think the way I do things now is a bit different now I'm sub 100. Different weight class now

A: Avoid mood altering drugs: I don't think I had a deliveroo this week...ahh am I gonna get one tonight??

S: Sleep healthy: some insomnia, shotness of sleep but...I think the sleep has been good in the sense that my weight loss and bodyfat have not led to flare ups in that regards

E: Eat healthy --- i dont think I'm reliable on this. I have lost a *lot* of weight lately. The last time I lost weight this quickly was the terrible and unsayable panic problesm of 2017 and the 2007-2008 year when I had an eating disorder