On 23 May I went to a speed dating event online and I didn't really have any expectation. I didn't feel comfortable going. As a nonbinary person that's 'AMAB' I didn't feel I belonged.
I matched with her. Her name was Star, Star and Discord. We had 6 minutes to talk with each person speed dating and the sun was setting outside my window. I told her that Homer described the Rose fingered dawn. Rhododactylos Eos. It is a moment of beauty so intense that the transfeminine in me lives in that moment and just as it briefly exists it just as briefly fades away and I feel sad as the feminine leaves me to ocme I hope for another day. We connected. Star seemed to understand
24 May was comicon day 1, or was it 25 May when I got the first message? on the taxi to the venue I got a message. I had matched with Star. Star messaged me. Star asked me lots about the sunset Goddess inside me. I opened up. Star was into spiritual practice and psychic practice and I opened up a lot.It was so beautiful and intense and I felt an affinity and kinship with her.
28 May: she messages to say it's gone in a direction where she feels more like I'm a client of hers and we are less romantic than friends and less friends and more like it's a client/patient and therapist relationship. She says she knows I have had problems recently with trust and long term issues with abandonment. she knows what this will mean for me but its best that we cease contact. My last message to her was: I'm sorry.
My first thoughts were: try not to feel abandoned. Try not to feel betrayed. Star doesn't owe me anything. I want what's best for her and her sense of what is best is we cease contact and what we had shared and how we had gotten to know each other she felt it felt uneven, she felt she had too much power and knowledge over me in a way she didn't feel able to open up.
Abandonment. I felt abandonment. I felt a sense of hope and I felt life could be different. I opened up emotionally and just as quickly, so too did I feel abandoned. So too did my sense of hurt get to me. It's about a month since then. I'm still not over it. It's the abandonment, it's the trust. I am struggling to find a therapist lately for DBT and EMDR and my trauma is very difficult. It's making me angry. It's making me struggle with executive function.
I have taken a month to write this.
