It's been a while since we've last spoken.
How are you? Time has passed for me, I appreciate that it has passed for you. What's new with you? New relationships, deepened current relationships, broken old relationships? New experiences, new identities, new interests? I really want to know.
I am not so keen to talk about myself sometimes. I have so much going on at work, perhaps you could say career defining stuff. I do genuinely feel I'm at the right place at the right time currently, with all the political stuff going on right now.
My birthday is coming up. I really need to make a plan. I've asked my bosses at work for some time off. I've booked up to 4-5 non consecutive days. Next week a guy from my school (Jermaine in the year below) has a funeral for his dad.
His dad is very similar to mine and it upsets me to think that he's lost his old man. It upsets me that I will one day lose my loved ones. In fact its been very much on the forefront of my mind lately. I'm terrified of what I could lose.
I've been through some therapy over the past couple of years. Some of it not by choice. I've learned a lot about myself. There is know-how and know-that.
The difference can be: know-that is knowing that i'm much more productive if I don't masturbate. Know-how is when I'm deep in activity or at home and my mind goes idle, and goes in directions I'm trying to resist which will impact on my other behaviour.
I'm thinking about avoidance. That was a theme in the group therapy. One person used alcohol for avoidance. The question I ask myself is: what do I avoid and how do I do it?
Lately I've avoided my family, and avoided my mum meeting my girlfriend after the first time didn't go so well. Perhaps i'm avoiding it because I am unwilling to face the negative things. Unwilling to let her speak badly about T. Or perhaps because I realise how she has such an overbearing influence on my life (mum).
Let's talk about gratitude, here are some things I'm thankful for:
- Even though some of my friends make orders of wealth more than me. I'm sort of okay about making what I make...hoping I can get promoted one day
- I'm saving money and I'm being quite rational about it
- My organisation system is costly in time but it does yield results
- I appreciate my few friendships.
- At work I felt like I had potentially developed new bonds.
- I'm getting a reputation for myself at work -for better and for worse
- I'm struggling with my weight lately, but I'm trying to work on it.
- I love my mum and my dad and they are everything to me
- My investments are delivering a small return
Okay, I have a few other things planned for tonight so I need to get on.
Good night.
