Dear Diary,

I've been thinking about furniture. How much I like my office chair for one. I have mixed feelings about my chair at home at my desk.

I've been fantasising about Glenn Gould's chair. How I'd love to have an all purpose chair. It would fold, height adjustable (legs) and seat adjustable.

I'd use it to transport myself. I'd use it to play the piano. I'd use it everywhere.

writing exercise.

when did i first encounter pornography?

1. How old were you?

About 8-10 I think? I was introduced by a friend in his house.

2. What were the circumstances?

I was with someone else. He had a VHS video tape.

3. What kind of pron did you encounter? What behaviour and experiences were portrayed?

It was a european german and very explicity situation. It was aggressive and there were bodily fluids that I didn't associate with sex. There were also things that I didnt know were acts of intercourse

4. How did you feel??

I dont know what to think. It was a very shocking thing to see. I laughed. I laughed a lot, laughing was  my only response as I didnt know how to deal with it. Was it nervous laughter or awkward laughter? Was it funny to me? I can't answer that.

5. How did I talk with others about the experience?

I talked to a few people. I discovered that some people would tell my family, and others would keep it secret.

6. Did your first encounter make you want to see more or search for it?

No, not at first. After a few more times I saw it, then I began to look for it when I turned around 12-13 or so.

7. Is there anything that bothers you about your first exposure to porn?

Yes

I was not mature enough when I saw it.
I didnt know what it was and didn't know whether to say yes or no.
It had an impact on me and the way that I related to people who were either older or my own age.
It made it difficult to relate to people of my own and opposite sex

My first exposure to porn bothers me a lot.

Dear Diary,

It's 2349.

I'm listening to the radio.

I'm reading the past 3 days worth of newspapers (still not done).

I'm looking at mid-range (£100-500) shoes and outerwear.

I have literally had the thought: who wears penny loafers? I bet I'll be that guy one day...

At that realisation. I think that the original purpose of this blog is now over.I was a young 20 year old or something when I began this blog.

I'm 31 going on middle aged.

I have discovered recently that I have new demons. Addictions and PTSD.

I need a lot of work on these demons.