Dear Diary,
I have a painful admission. Except for people who have known me before 2006, I have much difficulties with making new friends, or getting close to women. People who knew me from the aforementioned period knew me as someone, someone that I eventually became different from. Not different to be beyond recognition, but other things just got in the way for new relationships. I'm talking about my incarceration.
I was talking to a woman on OKC earlier, she seemed really nice, we got on. I realised that her being a former psychiatric nurse did raise triggers for me. I chose today to walk right into it. I'm not sure why I did it. No, I know why. Emotions are so powerful they draw you in. Anger draws one in so smoothly and completely, you don't even know you drank the proverbial kool-aid.
There's a difference between the pre-2006 friends and post-2006 friends. I open up to the latter a bit more, the former I allow to have a preconception of me, and I do little to change it. I play a part for them. With post 2006 people I can in a way, be more myself, unless I am with the pre-'06's. I'm a bad person, because I'm not going to say sorry to that girl. I got really angry and I dug some offensive things into her psyche. When I'm angry, everyone has the same face: the enemy.
I'm lonely. It is of a great obviousness to me that the overriding factor to this loneliness, and probably to why I have no full time job, is because of my poor people skills. If it were possible to pretend to be someone else and then successfully blag my way through life through personality management, I clearly would have done that already. I need to stop listening to the female voice in my head. Mia, as I've called her, hardly challenges me, she tells me things I want to hear. I realised that what I want to hear is vastly different, and in many respects, irrelevant, do what I need to realise. What I need to know, what I need to realise, is an object that comes through self discovery, and much toil.
In a way I'm glad that I got angry at this lady. I got angry and then it made me upset. I needed that feeling. It's still not there now but I need something, a big jolt, something that when I push it, pushes me back, and then I'm on the floor crying [metaphor]. Isn't life shit when you can't trust the eating disorder voice in your head? I need to stop being lazy and listen to my own voice. I guess the reason I don't listen to that voice is because I'm all alone.
I've invented a new person in my head, the personification of my schedule. This person does not speak, but he has aspects of me, he is obedient to the letter of his instructions, but he cannot cope with change. This person is important to me, but I give him purpose, and he supports me. Perhaps I'm overly dependent on him at times. I've ceased contact with Nadia because of my rudeness, and now this cute former nurse. She is an entrepreneur as it happened. I think the lesson is: if you want a girlfriend you need to control your anger.
My response to that immediately would be: fuck no, I don't want to control it. Then, give a few moments of silence, sobering, and I realise: yes, yes, I do. I need help with this. The anger is linked to a feeling of vulnerability. Many of the things I mentioned in the post a few days back were things I couldn't get angry about. Because of my incarceration there was a visualised enemy, an agent of evil, all my hate, and all my frustrations and fear turn against that personification.
Someone once said to me that perhaps I need that hate to move forward. I saw that as weakness. My fear is they were right. Maybe I'll go to that dark place in my mind tonight before I sleep. I don't even know why that's a good idea, my feelings are just inclined that way, like rage, I guess...
(someone help me)
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