the best I can ask of myself

Dear Diary,

 

I have little to say in terms of emotional depth, writing those posts yesterday and the day before had a very powerful effect on me. My dreams have started to become violent. For reasons unknown to me, I had real trouble sleeping last night. I think I balanced it out by waking up at 10am, after sleeping at 6am. Today I sent off a job application, for a role actually related to something I'm doing now. I did a whole lot of job searching, and reading of articles, and I even went to the gym. I did a half session today because I felt like I tore my arm doing deadlifts. I felt to myself that if I were to continue I would invoke some harm so I decided to stop. I could have done more cardio but I realised even light cardio would have aggrivated it. I was being reasonable, at least I did 4 sessions this week. My diet has not been as good today in terms of calories, however, my calorie rating is B+, I guess that's a good thing.

I am forcible deciding to end my scheduled tasks for today. I said yesterday (it was technically earlier today to be pedantic) that I had a lot of tasks set for myself after the rescheduling concerning the wedding I'm going to in 2 weeks. I think that I've cleared a bit of the air for that. I did so much job searching today that I realised that if I did any more, I wouldn't have reasonable expectations to complete the actual job application process for all of them.

Taking some mature external standpoint, I feel to myself that it's a good time to stop tonight. I could apply to more jobs, but I can always in principle do so. Tomorrow is another day, and another oppurtunity to apply to more jobs. I'm off to a remembrance mass in the evening, and maybe jogging in the morning. I should go jogging tomorrow, if for anything to redeem myself for the poor performance today at the gym. I should have warmed up before deadlifts, silly me.

I deleted Sadia from my msn contacts. I'm chatting to her and using her too much as an emotional crutch, and not the good kind. If she wants to contact me I have nothing against it, but I don't want to contact her. I'll make it one-way. What my counsellor said is slowly seeping into my thoughts: I have trouble trusting women. I have trouble trusting people in general, but somehow its more significant that many of these people are women who I distinctly distrust. Maybe because threatening them with violence is not an entertained option compared to doing so with men.

My mind has been through a bit of an emotional rollercoaster today. I've had a lot of triggers today. But I managed, I guess that's the best I can ask of myself.