one step further

Dear Diary,

 

I woke up a little stressed, financial woes taken me aback, and I am ready to sleep knowing that I've done a lot today. I've applied to one job, I've been invited to an interview (and declined because its unreasonably far - and too far from a train station), I've done a big amount of job searching and I've withdrawn from my ISA. Now, most of these things merit a diatribe or a story in themselves: I hate withdrawing from my ISA; I barely applied to that job and I feel really shit about declining a job interview because its too far.

I've been invited to give a talk. A talk at an art gallery, about art, about my degree expertise. This is really odd and its been on my mind for a little while, I guess i'm chuffed about it.

Another momentous thing: my dad's last day of work is tomorrow. My dad is retiring, and as of today he will be a retired man. I guess that means he's gonna be in the house a lot more, it also means financially speaking, I need to be the breadwinner eventually. There's a bit of pressure on me. My parents are getting older and health issues are increasingly evident. I will need to face the fact that as their health declines that will become a ...another issue to deal with in my life. I suppose one can never be prepared for that, but I do anticipate it. I also wish that I could get a proper job. All the things that happened today are evidence that I can be a worthwhile person and contribute well to the world: I was invited to a project management role, even though I had to turn it down.

When I think about the time I tried to kill myself, I realise life has changed so much. My sister is married and now has two kids, my brother has had 2-3 girlfriends since then and about a dozen and a half jobs he's been laid off from, cousins married, family members and friends departed from life, and I am but an observer. I think its fair to say that I'm a little isolated. I didn't go to the gym today but I did observe the dietary restrictions to a point ( I didn't overeat). I should probably weigh myself tomorrow. Perhaps something has changed in the past few weeks and it is this: its a belief in change.

I write this blog because I have less and less people to talk to with such candour. I write this blog because I would not exist if I didn't: I'd just be another anonymous face in the crowd. I feel in a little way that my life is slipping away, but I also know that I do things and I innovate and creatively think and act in ways that most people would never consider. I think if I just keep doing that I'll get further in life, and hold on to that sense of creativity and sponteneity and determination. I need to mould it, like how I'm trying to mould my body. It's not easy. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get more done, and most importantly, I'll be one step further to where I really want to be.