lucretia, my reflection

Dear Diary

I have this nagging feeling because I called the door on the building where I go to counselling numerous times and there was no reply. I can only try so many times so I went off to the Gym early instead. There must have been some kind of issue. I also noticed that I have not been able to receive any texts for a while. I may have recieved a message. My texts are working now, but there are still no texts from the counsellor. I feel like something went wrong and I don't know what it was.

Anyway back to other things. I took the protein shake right before the training session and I definately felt a boost. My exercise consisted of 20mins calisthenics, 20mins weights. I pushed myself pretty hard on both, and I have been following a guide that I read on Men's Health. I then put in an hour on the x-trainer, I pushed the resistance up to 10 and that made quite a difference I think. Normally, my workouts reach from 600 kcal, sometimes if I'm really lucky I go up to 670kcal. Last week I started using resistance and I did about 700. Doing 800 was so far beyond my normal target that I didn't really comprehend, or feel very confident. Normally I aim for a specific outcome, on the basis of past experience, but I didnt' know what was 'good' or the proper form.

Regarding form, it was not so great, despite the high calorific cost of the workout. I kept slowing down and speeding up too erratically and additional to that I kept feeling fatigue and low moments through the x-trainer session. If I can aim for good form and that amount of calories I would be laughing my way to fitness. After training, Diet is everything. I was naughty and had a walkers crisps and bacon/chips binge this morning. That racked up my calories quite a bit. In addition to that my milk intake was pretty high, but it needs to be if I want to assimilate those protein powder supplements. All in all (excepting the confusion about counselling), I think that I've done fairly well today.

Yesterday, for some reason unknown to me, perhaps a sense of guilt, I went into that support group that I created and sent a few goodwill messages of support to people who are having a nightmare. It felt good, it felt like I was delving into an ancient part of myself that I've ignored for a long time.

I'm too tired to think with much lucidity so I'm going to have a shower and probably go to sleep.It was a good day