something's gotta give

Dear Diary,

 

My mum is bedridden today, as such I've had a few different tasks today to account for that, namely, making her tea, making sure she eats and doing all the domestic stuff she does during the day. Isn't it amusing when a guy is seen as acting extraordinarily towards domestic tasks (special candidate examples include cleaning the car, doing a barbeque), but then if a woman does such domestic tasks it is not extraordinary. Yes there is a gender disparity, and I suppose I contribute to that problem. The scare of yesterday has hopefully now gotten away now that mum is home (albeit sickly still). For some reason, perhaps coincidently or non-related, I'm really getting into watching episodes of House. More likely because I've found a channel that shows regular episodes on a daily basis instead of every week. Man I love Hugh Laurie, and I love how the characters are all broken and hurting in some way.

 

If I have anything to say today, I suppose it is that I have nothing to say. Everything in my life, or everything I was taught to believe, was that any achievement comes through perseverance and determined hard work. Being able to play that Rachmaninov piece I used to play, for instance, took so much effort, it was like engaging in a personal relationship. I used to compare it to weightlifting and training, now that I actually do weightlifting and training, Ithink the analogy is more involving and less involving in disanalogous ways. It is less involving in that when I'm training, I can't give up the plan and it affects even the way I eat. For the record, don't mix protein shake into one's tea without properly mixing it. I nearly threw up! Another way in which musicianship is more involving is that it involves more reading. However, for the longest time that analogy seemed apt.

I had been concerned about my weight loss programme of late, mostly because of all the food I put in me of the past few days. I have luckily found some redemption in the fact that my weight hasn't gone up *too much*. Compared to my really low readings of last week, I've only gained 0.6lb, which on balance, is not bad at all. I have a wedding coming up on Friday, I wonder to myself if the food and alcohol partaken will offset my weight. I will, for my sins, do some training on the morning after.

I'm a bit pissed off because of all the schedule tasks I've done of late, too few of them have involved applying to jobs. I've applied to a few grad schemes lately, yes, and I have kept my job search extensive. But I have found almost all of the jobs found in my searches don't feel right, the following reasons I have given for finding a job unsuitable:

• I don't want to work in finance
• I don't have an economics degree
• I don't have that specific software package familiarity (usually Raisers' Edge)
• I lack 1-2 features in the PD/JD
• I lack experience - consequently, no one is offering me a job because I lack experience, and I lack experience because I dont have a proper job

I ask myself why is this happening to me. I have two degrees and I can't even get a fucking admin job. I even have admin experience. I'm so frustrated I want results, I want an outcome. Yesterday when I was training I reached fatigue pretty early during weight training. I was doing some floor calisthenics, which I have unfortunately been avoiding for 2 weeks. After blasting my abs I gained a better appreciation of physical pain, I then did some weights. According to Caloriecount, calisthenics involve more calories than weight training, all the same, the latter makes me tired in as painful (albeit different) a way. When I was pushing those weight machines I worked as close as I could to failure, I think I did in fact reach failure in the leg excercises. I felt so incredibly close to a cramp and to fatigue, that my breathing became a bit of an issue, in that way it reminded me distinctly of the physical similarities with stress, which I was feeling as well that day.

Today I'm going off to counselling, I question whether I really need it, or more specifically, whether I need to lose £100 a month when I'm not even making ends meet. if I had more spending money I would be able to do things like buy a new laptop, or go out socially. But on the other hand I can also make mistakes with cash, too. All things considered, I am perpetually broke, and this is in no small part because of my gym subscription, and counselling, and travel. Some of these things I absolutely need, I can't not travel because if I can't go to work I can't get paid! The gym subscription is absolutely necessary for my weight loss plan, maybe if I reach 160lb in some theoretical future I may reconsider that situation. I think its fair to say that for now, something's gotta give.

I hate saying that something isn't working when people are so resistant to helping me, or if I'm still not giving it enough of a chance, but it's not working. I can't continue to be perpetually broke and just making ends meet, I can't keep applying to these fucking mind numbing jobs because there are not oppurtunities for a PhD, I can't keep getting rejected for jobs, I can't keep my mind suffocated by the listlessness of everyone else who is unwilling to affect change. What do I do? What can I do? In the words of Immanuel Kant: What may I hope? (He also asked 'what is man?', but that's academic)