back to routine

Dear Diary,

Today is the first day of regularity since Wednesday. Thursday involved wedding preparations; Friday involved a wedding; Saturday was the hangover and then a meetup with friends, that continued to Sunday and then I went home. Today I did the following things:

• Job Search (I made quite a few searches)
• Catch up on GReader backlog
• Prepared an application but then the server of that website crashed. I couldn't complete it
• I went to the gym, in frustration. I did 1250 kcal damage. That almost covers for the fact that I overate today (2200kcal)
• After gym I finished that application (server was up) and then sent off another application
• A side note, I did a lot of reading today, and I was following thsi website that looked through the history of music. I loved the 20th Century. Having that historical context kind of gave me a bit more of a context on my place in the world.

So, its business as usual. I send off job applications, go to work part time, do the gym a little bit and once a week I do some counselling. I need to up the ante: more applications, I need to be more serious about the fact and belief I have that I need a job, a proper job. Even though there aren't many proper jobs out there. I have nearly a year of admin experience, good work experience with charities (which I continue to do), experience working in hospitality and events, and volunteer experience with victims of crime. I also have a masters degree in a subject that people are shit scared of, I have a bachelors degree and 'A' Levels in subjects that intimidate people because it represents 'old white history' and traditions that probably would have made me fit in well at Cambridge (note to self, if I go to the past, try to apply to cambridge, that, and tell your younger self to avoid all girls until you finish your second degree).

I did a lot of tasks today, I'm glad in a way, I'm also glad because I have been distancing myself from a few awkward feelings, let me list them:

1. Last weekend I may have drunkenly annoyed a friend
2. Today I found out I annoyed her (as in girl in 1.) friend, and she (as in former girl in 2.) won't talk to me
3. I had a go at my dad, I feel he deserved it, but I also feel guilty. My mum and I are always having a go at him, usually for things like how neglegent he is with his body. It pisses me off because it reflects badly on me. It shows me up, and it shows my flaws. It shows me not only what I could be, but in other regards what I am now as a flawed person. My fear is that I am so angry and pissed at those things about him, that it makes me transparent, or unable to deal with my issues because he pisses me off so much.

In other news, a friend of mine is a bit down because a girl turned him down, and Sadia is flirting with me again: it's only sexual. Tomorrow brings more things to the fore: I have a lot of jobs that I could apply to, my timetable is actually quite full, despite mentioning earlier that I cleared up a whole lot of it. The fact of the matter is: i've cleared it up, but its still full. That may sound overly stressful to have so many tasks set for myself, but right now it doesn't scare me. I'll also need to fit in some training tomorrow, as well as of course, counselling. I need to train to get my weekend weight out of my body. I ate a whole lot on Friday and the weekend, sunday night/monday morning led me to eating some ice cream as a binge. I was still in 'holiday fun' mode mentally. I've gotten it out of my system for now, I think.

Looking prospectively, I think that the regularity of my schedule and even the tasks which involve initiative don't have results that I want. I did apply, for the record, to 2 jobs that I'd really enjoy doing if I got them. I never get those jobs. I'm being negative, do you know why? because I'm better than so many people, I enjoy richard strauss, i read Sophocles, and I have a high memory retention even when I have memory problems. I use linux and when I have a problem I have to use initiative to band-aid it. Fucking lazy windows bastards. I feel like it is the limitations of other people that get in the way of my progress. It is however, my only response that I must try to boost myself even more, my memory to the limit, my learning to the limit, my initiative and task-handling. I do so many little tasks that it takes only the transparent record system of Lampe to remember what they are. I act like I have a plan, but when people ask me the mid or long term, I leave it to lampe to decide. I can't act like I know what I'm doing, because I don't, and also, I'm always trying to make a way to fix things.

Earlier today I was listening to a graduation speech by comedian Conan O'Brien to (I think) Dartmouth College's graduating 2011 class, the one thing he said was that his experience with the tonight show and the whole leno situation forced him to change his game, and in recreating himself, he found another route to do things. Because of the flux that occurs in life, the economy, society, being flexible is very important, it means that the criterion of success becomes harder because of changing circumstances, but it also means the crieria of success can be edited to allow other new things, and innovations unforeseen.

Perhaps I need to consider new ways, new conditions of success. I have such a drive and I can see other people don't have it. Why can't I succeed?