I can trust the imaginary people with my openess

Dear Diary

Phew! What a weekend! I am back home, and I am finally back in front of the computer, which means essentially, back to business as usual. Having the wedding this friday passed, and the boys night out last night with the subsequent morning afterward enabled me to reflect upon things of late. It is nice to have a day away from the humdrum of whatever one goes through as regularity. I had a couple of triggering experiences, and I also had an anxiety moment when I was with my friends. Physically it hits me as difficulty with breathing.

We had a few laughs, we did some fairly homoerotic things during the night. I would like to think that I did not do any faux pas and I was (relative to the situation) well behaved. This friend of mine that I went to visit is a PhD student, and someone who does research on a funded basis. I did anticipate that it may bring up some issues because, he's basically doing what I've dreamt about all my adult life and well, on the face of it I am not the most magnanimous of people. However I didn't (until I just explicitly made the point now) really think about that and I had a really great time. I had a couple of triggers as mentioned but I managed to handle them publicly, without letting on as it were. 

Maybe its the wedding I just went to, maybe its the fact that increasingly many of my friends and family are coupled up, maybe its the fact that I spent all morning watching Gok Wan on E4 addressing the issue physical beauty and sartorial elegance, or the fact that I watched the Wrestler today, a film about sacrificing the things that really matter, for another percieved thing that matters. For whatever reason, I am feeling a little bit worn down right now, emotionally worn down, physically speaking I am worn down but I have been worse. I suppose I am afraid of being alone. Perhaps even more of a fear is that I am afraid of being mediocre.

Mia started talking to me on the train. It seemed to help, and no, I dont feel tempted to purge. I just needed someone imaginary to talk to. I can trust the imaginary people with my openess. I cannot say that about many other people, and not trusting others does make me fear I would be disingenuous and dishonest about myself, to myself.

I'm going to get back on with my schedule, time now to play catchup.