knowledge is the adequation between thought to its object

Dear Diary,

I have completed most of the tasks which I have had on my mind of late, mainly pertaining to losing my gym pass, having loose glasses and preparing for the wedding. I should feel a little at ease. When I was outside, I was reminded of how consistent many of my actions are, how a sense of consistency, or perhaps, better stated, regularity rules my life. I guess this is why people think I am autistic or autistic spectrum: on the basis of my 'obsession' with order. From what I was once, the schedule, as I always call it in counselling, is key. Having a sense of order goes in such detail, from having spare wax strips in certain bag, having spare deoderant which I probably haven't used up since 2008 after Boots had a discount on that brand I really like. I always seem to anticipate certain things, that's normally why I keep odd items in my wardrobe. Odd perhaps to many people, but to me, it makes perfect sense. I keep trinkets from the past, perhaps more to remember what I have immediately forgotten in the days of yore, and things that just somehow end up being useful, like a usb wireless adaptor.

Having a sense of order also means that I religiously stick to it. I need to have my equipment, or I need to adapt my gear depending on the situation. For work, I need my smart shoes, for social events, I use my boots. This sounds small, but my inventory inclodes a whole amount of variations, my newest of late, is a bowtie. I have been (to my failure) attempting to tie a bow, luckily I don't need to as my mum knows how to do it. Ironically, I taught her how to tie it, I taught her the how to do it theoretically, and showed her the bit that I didn't havethe manual dexterity to do. I suppose in situations like that, where my body does not obey my mind, my disability shows.

I wish my body obeyed my mind a little bit more. In my mind I am rigorous, ordered, obsessive, tough, smart and determined, my body however is flabby, unmaintained (cf. hairy shoulders), and as I have just checked now, flatulent. When I used to purge, my body fit my mind more, however my mind also became warped. I wish there were a better connection between the two. There's so much I need to change, where does it start?

I've officially completed most of the tasks I've really needed to do today, I *could* go to the gym, even though its raining horribly outside. I could even catch up on my tasks. Now that, would be amazing. I did everything that my anxiety ridden self wanted planned, and then some. I just wish that translated into personal and career or even financial success.

I'd like to hope maybe one day I'd want it to. One thing I've addressed during counselling is that I'm stubborn. I'm stubborn about my ideals.