Dear Diary,
I was too tired to write anything at the end of last night's training session. It was one of the first times I really took the protein shake right before I started training. I suppose to summarise my day I did the following: training, counselling (I brought up uncomfortable stuff which fucked up my mood afterwards), more job searching, and I sent off an application. All in all its not too bad. The training session was pretty intense, I did more oblique excercises than I usually do, and on the x-trainer I normally go between 550-670kcal burn, now that in itself is a pretty big variance of energy output. However, it was like I was on steroids or something yesterday because I changed the parameters, I increased the resistance of the stepping machine, and perhaps it also helped (if for anything, psychologically) get more out of me. By the end of it I really felt worn down and since my neighbours were also at the gym they gave me a ride home.
I am starting to think to myself that I should stop counselling. For one the money could be better used I think, and for twos, I am not sure its really helping me as such. I spent over 6 months there, if I haven't fixed anything in my head I never will. I can at least say, that I've tried to give it a go. I am not sure there is as much a problem now, or perhaps the problem is the world. Which I repeat in varying ways to express. For some reason I my thoughts keep leading to the past, I'm not really sure why. I was really scared when I started uni, I didn't have a clue how to make it in the real world, and to a large extent I still don't. I feel so incredibly infantilised by my parentsbut I won't blame them for my undoing, being around them however, does not help me help myself.
Maybe I should focus on the now. I woke up this morning feeling pretty fatigued, it always seems when I wake up on a work day I feel tired as fuck. As it happens the following few days are planned fairly rigidly. Today I'm off to work, after I finish work I aim to do a big workout. I think however, that I would need to get a bite to eat in that intermittent time. Either a burrito, or I eat something now. My mum is feeling better and is finally out of bed, but that also means I can't cook that pizza in the kitchen. I can hear it now: it's too early to eat pizza! Well I need a big fix of calories right now before I get my clothes on! Thursday is fairly determined, I am going to do some job searching, finalise my suit preparations and perhaps shave my beard. Friday is the big day for my good family friend and his lovely fiance, it will be a joyous day, it might even be a sweaty day (why do tuxedos have to be overwhelmingly black), after Friday, I've set Saturday and Sunday as potential 'recovery days'. I think I'll play catchup on various tasks, or play some Xbox. I'll have the house to myself on saturday, or I could do the gym. I have broken finally the 220lb barrier, it's a long time coming but I'm glad it came. Now I need to keep going, this is the lowest weight i've been in probably just under 2 years.
Yes I know I am a tubby fuck. I found that I need to accept my body as it is, I can only change it if I accept it. Accept it and then surmount it. That seems to be my mantra for these days. Okay, I'm off now to prepare either some food, or piss about online a bit more!
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