no good exemplar.

Dear Diary,

There's a lot to do today, the way that I have planned it I should essentially complete many of the tasks just going to the high street, each component task is important to complete, and in my mind I cannot seem to focus on them all. I'm not good at dealing with bulk tasks, thus the need for my schedule. Anyway, this morning I've felt a bit distracted. There's a part of me, like, I suppose many people, which is deficient. Deficient because I am alone and isolated. Many people are said to live 'full' lives even if they are not fortunate. Full lives often include love, sensitivity, a caring nature, engaging in nurturing relationships.

I often speak of ideals, I often speak of the notions of eminent character, in some cases I would try to exemplify them. I am no good exemplar however, I'm not a good exemplar of anything. When I train, I partly do it to punish myself. I feel like I need to be broken apart, and re-set into someone else. Like, I suppose, how the Jesuits changed me, or how I changed at uni. So often do I have to break apart and re set, so often do I have to make myslef seemingly more suitable for the world, or perhaps better put, more adequate to succeed. But I'm not succeeding, I'm a failure. My greatest fear is inadequacy. I wish I could escape this feeling.

Its raining today. I hate going out in the rain. I think that I shall attempt to get as much done today as possible. I might not be able to do any training, though.