Something is eating at me

Dear Diary,

Today is a better day than yesterday. Yesterday ended up being so bad, that its damage has overflowed into the early hours of this morning. I went through some traumatic memories last night, I felt so terrified by those thoughts that I had to stay awake for a few hours just as a distraction. I describe this as if its a normal routine part of my life, I suppose being huanted by the past is something I do when I let my thoughts wander.

There has been a certain theme in my thinking of late, I don't acknowledge it much but I think it was most succinctly expressed when I was watching a video presentation of Bono (of U2 fame) addressing a graduating audience from UPenn. Bono said something like: the great way to challenge society is to expose its hypocrisies and the way in which it is fundamentally defective. For Bono it means addressing the elephant in the room of Africa, and what it represents to the west (nation inequalities, capitalism abuses, blindness to human rights of all). I feel there is a lot of hypocrisy in the world, I see it in terms of the disparities that graduates go through, I see it in the false class consciousness of many of my friends in their 20s and early 30s and the utter complacency of many to resist change or challenge. I feel suffocated by it, or perhaps different to suffocation, my fear is that I will inhale in this stink of shit that is mediocrity.

After my nightmare of last night/this morning, I got up at a fairly good time in the morning. I am clearing through a whole lot of schedule tasks, but not yet doing any job applications. I find all the jobs I've found sofar, or the ones that I've set to apply to are not suitable for me. There's a lot to do over the coming 14 days, I'm clearing through these tasks at a reasonable pace, with luck I will go and do some training today as well. My main setback for today is that I had a massive binge in the early hours of the morning, because it counts as monday's eating, I am basically almost at my caloric limit of intake. The past few days have been bad for my diet. I'm not sure what the change is, something is eating at me (excuse the pun).