Dear Diary,
Over the past couple of days, I've had a few triggers, upsets and anxiety moments. Part of this relates to social embarrassment. There have been some embarrassment triggers or upset factors that have sunk into me a little bit today, but just because they have upset me a little bit doesn't mean their affect or their power is great, I've much better coping mechanisms lately. Still, while mechanisms are in place, its still not very good.
One thing that has really gotten to my curiosity is when I get upset at something, my mind is suddenly thrown back to certain historical moments in my life. I'm led back to certain feelings, experiences, situations. I'm not sure what to think of it, in a way I don't really want to readdress those feelings. In another way I have to, and in another way, I have to keep going in spite of them. For me that seems to be the essence of embarrassment. I guess I'm not good at admitting embarrassment because it's so hard for me to admit a sense of vulnerability.
It's hard when I'm in counselling to admit the things that really make me feel vulnerable. I just don't feel comfortable telling an attractive blonde in her early-mid 20s that I'm vulnerable. The counsellor has also appeared in a few of my dreams. One dream got a bit weird and sexual, but not sexual about her. I looked up the notion of 'transference' because a lot of stories about therapy have come on the news of late. Anyway I'm babbling now.
I feel a bit unnerved right now. My dad got a new modem and it doesn't work, so I put the old one in again, I feel a bit guilty. I also feel embarrassed when I put out too much of myself to people. I didn't go to the gym today, I guess this is a rest day
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