!!!! more memories of 2004

One of the hardest things I find is to admit vulnerability. But in a reasonable sense, not so much to say 'oh I'm a victim/martyr look how heroic I am', but more to see the good mixed with the bad. So here's my attempt. I had great friends, I was a great friend, I was smart. I thought that's all I needed. Then I started university. I fell apart. I realised I needed life skills: deal with the unexpected, have adult relationships, not frame your present on the past, not have too many specific expectations with no plan. Stop trying to fit the mould of everybody else. I'm getting all sorts of triggers at the moment. Listening to Alan Bennett's play reminds me too much of this time in 2004, just about to start university. I was all on my own, completely culture shocked.

If I did it differently, I would:

• Tried to do more things, even if I hated myself for it or felt scared that I didn't know anyone
• Tried counselling earlier
• Told people that I was having a problem
• Went to the doctors sooner
• (I've just had a trigger in typing up this list)

(writing in stream of consciousness) Thinking about my mindset then, I can completely recall the feelings, but not with the words to describe it. I felt scared. I was afraid. I felt alone. I missed the old days. I finally realised that the old days had died. I'm no longer the prefect, the school I left has moved on. Emotionally speaking, I didn't move on. I was too afraid to move on because it meant in some way letting go.

This must sound really strange that I'm talking about this. That I'm always talking about the past. Please let me talk about this. What happened defined so much of afterward. What happened defined my pessimism, my depression, my anxiety, my hopelessness. With counselling I've had a good effort in trying to understand my anxiety. I've not had very good tries at explaining my depression. Most difficult is trying to accept my hopelessness (i'd rather not to be honest).

The day before freshers sunday when I moved in, I stayed over at a family friend's. I've known them all my life and they lived near Bristol. I kind of chose the university because I've been to the city a few times because they lived nearby. Seeing them was kind of like a symbol: they were familiar, and part of a symbolic transition: the last minute saloon to becoming a student. I feel overwhelmed right now. If I said I felt overwhelmed by sadness, I'm not sure that really captures it. I feel lonely, isolated, stuck. I'm stuck in the past right now. But I'm also stuck in taht mental moment. Phenomenologically speaking, I can feel the contours of emotion of that time.

On the sunday that I moved into halls, I stayed in that night. There was a hall bar, and 'everyone' seemed to have been in there. I felt tired and didn't want to go. I also felt scared, vulnerable and drained. In fairness, the me of this age and time period would probably have done the same. My anxiety and experiences have taught me not to go full on to social situations all the time. Save a bit of energy, of breath for yourself. The next day, everyone seemed to have paired up with their new friends. I felt like I was left out. I felt like everybody had their friends, made their cliques and allegiances, and I was like always, the last to be picked on the football team. Perhaps it was even worse than that: I didn't even exist to them.

That feeling still sticks with me today, it still haunts me. It feels like every day of my life is that feeling, and many experiences that I have justify and give evidence to that feeling I have. At work I feel it, in interviews I feel it, with social situations I feel it. I'm that cunt who didn't have the balls to make friends and join a clique at university. That first day defined my mindset. But lets be honest: one day doesn't define a person's social status...does it? I don't think so, not among reasonable adults. Among kids in school/college mindsets - maybe, and that's the mindset I was thinking in. It may also have been the mindset those 18 year olds were thinking in as well.

I feel like an outsider. I felt like an outsider.

I need someone to talk to.