Dear Diary,

 

I got pretty drunk tonight. So drunk that I threw up in the toilet last night. I was about to put a 'funny' facebook message on a friend's wall (conducive to my drunkenness), but I then realised that I received an email telling me that I didn't get the job last week. As drunk as I can get, that message really hit me into sobriety. Nothing is funny right now. Instead I feel like a clown who took a joke too far. I realise with that job rejection the difference between artefice and core. Reality and illusion. The reality is that I didn't get the job. The artefice, the illusion is the appearance of feeling joyous when I'm drunk.

In a sense, the joke is on me. Everyone gets on with their life, their job. I don't. I didn't get the job. Its the story of my life all over again. I'm broken, beaten, exhausted for tonight. Alcohol is not my refuge as I thought it might be, it is my curse. Sobriety will come tomorrow. Disappointment will come tomorrow. How will I face myself? How will I face what I am.

If I weren't drunk, I'd feel utterly disappointed. If I weren't drunk I'd feel utterly lonely. This is me saying goodnight. This is me trying to put a brave face.How do I honestly feel? I feel sad, disappointed, let down by myself. I feel like a failure. I feel like purging.