I'm trying to change it. Question is: am I really going anywhere?

Dear Diary,

I've not written a proper entry for a while now, I think. I have some time to reflect as I've set more than enough time to prep for my interview. Last night I was imagining how awesome it would be to have a real life again, not having to justify myself constantly and embrace the good things in life. I was only mildly thinking that this kind of reflection is bad because I haven't got the job yet, and I never do. However, as I always say about many jobs, 'I have a good feeling about this one'.

It would be such a nice posh job, working in Victoria, in an old English building, being the office grunt and least senior member there. I think my ex is seeing someone again, it never takes too long for her. I shouldn't be surprised, I guess I just wanted to cuddle her again. I'm lonely. In counselling yesterday I talked about a lot of very intimate things, things which I would normally find extremely difficult. "It's easy to put up barriers", I said to her, "what's really hard is to admit of one's flaws and vulnerabilities". Over the past few days, my weight stagnation is changing a little bit. I've lost a few more lbs. It's slow progress but I'll take anything these days.

I may have mentioned that a few years ago, I kept my old skinny clothes in storage 'in case the day may come'. I almost forgot about those clothes until last week, when I started wearing some of them. I also started wearing smaller trouser sizes. I could wear 36 but only at a stretch, so I wore 38 with a belt. Depending on the clothing retailer, I'm a comfortable 36, or a loose 36, for one pair of gap cords, I'm a loose 34?! Tdoay is the first time I'm wearing a smaller chest size for my dress shirt. I'm pretty proud of my changing body.

It would be such a wonderful opportunity were I able to find time to have more fun, or go on holiday, or get laid! Man, I'd love to get laid, however something about 'come over to my parents house discreetely with a cum soaked pillow' doesn't speak of greatness. Improvements start from the smallest places, my weight loss is a good one, I need to work on my anxiety, confidence, and income now. It's time for me to start living like a real person. I feel the inadequacies deep within me. Another observation is that summer is over. There's no Indian Summer this year, its just getting more cold and more rainy, until it becomes such a routine phenomena that by the time you realise its already November and the fashion world is talking about their 'spring range 2012'.

I'm typing here because I'm lonely, I don't have anyone to talk to. Everyone that I know, knows me as a certain kind of person, they know me in a role. I'd love to just be the real me, I'm less glamorous or intelligent or sexy as I might appear to some people. I'm probably smarter than other people think I am, and I'm more determined than I'd like to believe, fo course I always need proof. My activities are proof, my weight loss and developing ab muscles are proof. There was once a me who used to believe that perseverence and massive amounts of effort and skill took you places. What happened? I got depressed and overworked.

I wish there was something I could say right now to lift my mood, or find some inner resolvement of character that will strengthen my mettle, but there isn't. I'm scared that the interview will go badly as usual. I really want this role. I just realised something now, 1st september 2007, I'm almost glad that I've forgotten, I deleted it from my records a couple of months ago, so I won't remember it close to the time (in case I trigger). It's been a long time since those days. I'm still living from its consequences, from its destruction. I'm trying to make it right, I'm trying to change it. Question is: am I really going anywhere?

Now I'm off to the interview. I'll probably post on here later today about something else. Do you think that a 3/4 trench is too much to wear today? It is post-summer...hmm