!!! maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...

Dear Diary,

I didn't get the job. I suppose I should have known. I'm quite upset about it. Yesterday I was talking about how I'm not good at talking about when I feel down. I suppose it is because talking about feeling down perpetuates the feeling. I'm so reluctant to perpetuate the feeling entirely because I'm trying to fight it when I feel it. I wasn't always like that, but I would dwell. Not to say that I don't dwel, but I suppose I realise there is an extent to which I feel it doesn't help.

I feel angry. I suppose that's easier to face than feeling disappointed, easier than feeling vulnerable. Why can't it work out for me? I've been trying really hard.I wish that I had my break. I feel like crying, or maybe purging. If nobody is in the house right now I think I'll purge. I'm so fucking fat I hate it, the more weight I lose, the more I realise how I need to be even more thin. I fucking hate how my belly is portruding out a few inches. I fucking hate my large thighs, it's not all muscle and I want to get rid of the unnecessaries.

I don't know how to face myself in the mirror right now. I don't know how to face the world. All this rejection makes me feel like I'm not wanted.I'm just dead weight. I'm writing this post as a way to escape, as a means to perhaps one might say, vent. I feel the same way when I'm sitting in the toilet. Whether purging or not. What do I do for the rest of the day? It feels so hard to just continue, as if I'm not affected. I am affected. Maybe that's my challenge. Maybe I'll feel better later on after I've processed emotionally. Presume rationality when nothing makes sense. Maybe that's what my higher functioning self would do...