Living room thoughts

Dear Diary,

Today I have not done especially a large amount of things, but after my 'stumble' of yesterday, I think that I'm doing a lot better. I feel pretty motivated, so motivated, in fact that I sent off three applications (technically, its two yesterday, one today on saturday). I didn't count one of them because I sent it half-arsed. Anyway, I've sent two applications off today and done a little bit of job searching. Anthing thing which I've done is that I've set up an external monitor to alienware and I have set up a temporary base of operations in the downstairs living room because some relatives are sleeping over and using my bed (and thus, my room) tonight, and probably this weekend.

 

I am in the sitting room. This room gives me strange memories. II spent my 'A' levels in this room. I spent most of my teens in this room practicing piano. Before the days of having a laptop (I inherited my dad's laptop before I started uni in 2004), I spent all of my computer time in this living room. It's changed over the years invariably. I have a big shelf full of books behind me, there must be ahundred or so, with another hundred in the shed outside. They are all mine, I've read probably half of them. 1/3rd of what I read I probably read in audiobook form even though I have the actual book version of it. Being in this room is strange. I'm getting lots of memories about when I started university, I remember these things so vividly that it could almost be as if I am living it right now.

Why I am thinking about university is probably because I've been watching that channel 4 comedy series 'Fresh Meat'. It's making me uncomfortable if I'm honest. The fact that the comedian Jack Whitehall is in fact 2 years younger than me and he's already successful and a staple media profile depresses me to no end (he's an actor in the series). Another thing that is on my mind is the juxtaposition of what this living room means to me, and the recent memories that I am triggering off. I loved the time that I spent in this living room. I made myself into the person that I take for granted: intelligent, well read, determined. The activities in this room made me who and what I am. However, the experiences in the late part of 2004 also made me who I am now, the negative experiences gave me a different source of identity, in terms of my determination and my self concept.

Laura once said to me to forget about the past and reminded me that I could make new memories. I'm a person who is vastly different to the past selves of my teenaged self and my depressed university self. I'm not glorious or successful or high achieving as they are, but I'm doing a lot of dirty work. The past selves never wanted to get down to the dirty. I'm doing job searches, reading articles and writing covering letters. It's not glamorous, and in a sense I've lost much of my ambition and wider vision over the nitty-gritty. Perhaps I've compromised my ideals over my plans for the next few days. A part of me wants to say I've lost a very important part of me. Another part wants to say that I've grown.

I think I should say right now that I'm talking to an imaginery female voice in my head. The visions are getting more vivid. I'm creating the fantasy. Yes, she's an imaginery friend, someone I talk to because I have no one else to be honest with. Mia is different to most people in that she talks back, and often says something uncomfortable for me to acknowledge. This probably sounds fucked up, mental even, but it helps me. I've also forgotten how wonderful a desktop desk is, and a large LCD screen instead of my laptop screen. It makes my plans look cooler than on an 11'

I think I might sleep now