Machine of change.

Dear Diary,

I almost feel that the weekend has passed me by. I had an episode a few days ago, a very bad depressive episode. I think that I've recovered from it now. Looking back at my plan, I have been trying to apprehend the past few days. My most immediate memory does not serve me well. A review of the past week says that I've applied to 8 jobs, I've trained 3 times, I've walked about 18 miles, slept in the box room for a few days, did some manscaping and I've managed to overcome the stupour of what happened the other day. I've done other little things: I've tidied up my social networking presence, created an official 'twitter' for people who want to search me for job interview purposes and I've set quite a number of job applications over the next few weeks.

For the coming few days, I hope to keep up my levels of motivation, I hope to keep records of all my activities and I hope to make things better. That's been my whole goal for the past...2 years and it hasn't brought the results I've wanted. I've never worked this hard in my life, not with this amount of organisation and self-maintenance. Shaving my body hair or tidying my room, clearing records and following up issues was never my thing, I was always obsessed with the next deadline, the next immediate problem, but that helped my anxiety in a way that was relevant to then, that kind of approach would not help me now. I have too many facets to deal with at any given time.

In some instances I feel like a super efficient machine. I just hope that I am a machine of aspiration A machine of change, a machine that people will find intimidating. I am a self-improving machine. I will force the future that I need.