on and off time

Dear Diary,

Today has been lazy, perhaps purposely so, perhaps necessarily so. On an ad nauseam basis, I'm going to go on about 'ooh I've so much to do and so little time'. Well, today I did have time, and I spent it going to the gym, reading for my book review and resting up a little bit (which may have involved a 3 hour wank). It's important for me, it seems, to have time away from everything, in order to do the things where I am 'on'. On time requires 'off' time. At the gym, I am trying to work on some different exercises, I have started using the smith machine, for example, I am also trying to lunge. If I didn't forget my shorts earlier I would have gotten into the sauna.

So I have decided to keep a few days of Xmas and new years free, this will necessitate an upsurge of activity to do before those days to keep those days free (what's the opposite of backlog by the way?). So that's all the stuff going on outside my head, now I'll talk about the stuff going on inside my head.

I'm thinking about purging again. I'm getting these thoughts, it kind of goes something like: do you want to be popular again? do you want to be smart again? do you want success?Its strange, it's not the connection between putting fingers into my mouth and the proposed result of getting success in life that is queer, it's the allure. The allure of being offered something that I deeply want. It reflects a wanting, and it reflects a perceived privation. I wish I had more money, more money improves the quality of life. Perhaps more friends, a social life, success, a life...my life is fucking imploding, I have nothing going for me except my parents' generosity, google calendar and a well heated home. I do appreciate many people don't even have that, but I have so much at my disposal to help me and no results are coming, that makes me a failure. I'm a failure of the deepest kind. Mia knows that. There used to be another female voice and I've come not to see it as mia, but the mia I have come to know before is coming back. Mentally, I'm wearing down. I can't be 'on' all the time, I think that's the moral of the story.