Christmas for other people

It's 3am right now. I am not tired but I am overrun by things to do and to think about. I spent the last 3 hours trying to plan my week, with job applications, PhD proposals, two parties and gym every day for the next week. Maybe I'll say what I've done over the past few days:

Thursday: training, a bit of book review reading, falling asleep out of fatigue; planning the next few days

Wednesday: Training, job search, skyrim

Tuesday, First day of my friend's training regime, ended early, met up with some guys for computer game madness

Monday: Boxing day, some family awkwardness

Sunday; Christmas day, visited some family friends, played monopoly until ridiculous o'clock, I got some nice presents as it happens as well.

 

Now lets talk about other people. I've been an observer this Christmas. I've been thinking about how the year has been for other people around me and not just myself. Two stories come to mind right now.

One is of a family friend, back when I lived in bristol I was tight with this family that lived in a town in somerset. They have two kids, one is nearly the age of my brother, the other nearly the age of my sister. The younger one is seen as a bit of a dullard by other people, but I've always thought the world of him when I was little since he was older (that old one). This fellow has had some hardships over the years, he's been keen on joining the armed forces but keeps getting turned down, one time they said his 'hands were too rough' or that he was 'too short'. Despite this he has always been active and always pushes himself. I admire him as a determined individual although I did see a sense of sadness and isolation in recent years.

Recent gossip from his mother is that he is no longer seeing a girlfriend of over a year, and is now seeing another girl. Now it is a sign of how judgmental my family are and how judgmental his parents are that they emphasise how the girlfriend (whom he is no longer seeing) has children. With that they add how he spends so much money on them, with the implication in their inflection that they do not approve of this, or that these children don't deserve gifts. The other insight from his mother is that his new girlfriend is 17 years old. That immediately invites judgment from people. My mum told my sister's mother in-law this story and she went on in a diatribe about how 17 is too young and how she disapproves. My sister's mother in law is opinionated about many things, she makes me feel a little bit uncomfortable.

Another observation is from an online friend. I've known her for maybe 6-7 years now. At the time she was severely mentally ill, she held a few jobs but couldn't hold them down for long, and was in and out of the hospital. It's fair to say that her life was pretty shit, she had bipolar disorder and it really wasn't easy for her. As a depressed person myself we used to chat. I used to be a very angry and insensitive person at that time, and I said things that I regret saying to her. I think perhaps she also said things that she regrets, but I hold nothing bad against her. It's fair to say that I did develop feelings for her at some point. After a while of not hearing from her, I built contact with her again. I found out that she turned her life around, she met a new guy, she was doing a foundation degree and she got married.

Carol (so I'll name her) is a really determined person, she's in her 3rd year of med school and will soon enough be a doctor. I really admire how far she has come from hopping between mental hospital beds to being the student doctor, it actually makes me jealous. Carol used to envy me because I could at least control my depression to survive unviersity and I only ended up in hospital once, and in elss worse circumstances than her. All things considered, I didnt have it as hard as she ever did. I'm envious of how well Carol is doing now, med school and marriage is something that would have been a distant dream to anyone in a mental hospital, she really did make it out of there. To contrast, in some ways, my mind is still in that horrible place.

Carol told me that her marriage has ended, her husband said she didn't love her anymore and things had been difficult for a while. I  was utterly shocked when I told her and I felt incredibly sad. I know that she's come so far, and then something like that happens. I didn't know what to say to her, but I thought I might say: You'll pull through, I know it. But the thing is I don't know that. I do know that she's been to hell and back. Maybe, this isn't hell, so maybe she could survive this with less difficulty. I did tell her, and I felt horribly cliche at this point, that I was there for her at any time if she wanted to chat or talk about it. I felt disingenous because my feelings for her get in the way, I feel much sympathy and sadness for her, and it reminds me of how  I used to be with Marie, I felt that I wanted so badly to save her, to rescue her and make it better.

Face it, man, I can't 'save' her, she has to sort out her own problem. I can't make things better for people, I can't prevent tragedies. I feel this deep need inside me that I want to just make it go away for her. Carol represents so much hope to me, seeing her in this situation scares me deeply. Carol represents recovery, and the hope that someone who was in the bell jar can escape it.